traveling light

Mourning loss

2012-01-29T12:45:00.001-08:00

I have suffered losses in the past few years, and I realized today that I am still mourning them.

I have suffered miscarriage, two failed adoptions, and the loss of the idea of having another child. Most of these losses happened for the better in the end, and I know that God has good plans. I have come to realize that I am still effected by these and haven't really grieved in a healthy way.

I'm not positive what is a healthy grieving process, but I'm pretty sure bottling up feelings and pretending everything is fine is not.

T minus 1

2012-01-27T20:54:00.001-08:00

Saturday is my last day before the challenge! Today I was a lazy slug. I did nothing. Cleaned a little in the morning but other than that I layed around. I'm crampy and ache and feel like crap. I gave myself the day. Tomorrow I am running errands in the am and going to coffee with a friend. Then off to get my hair done. After that we need to do grocery shopping for the big start day!

RDWC Week One Meal Plan

2012-01-26T23:29:00.001-08:00

Breakfast:
2 scrambled eggs, ¼ cup shredded cheese, 1 slice whole wheat bread spread with unsweetened natural peanut butter, 1 cup grapes

½ cup low-fat cottage cheese, 1 apple, 1 slice whole wheat bread spread with unsweetened natural peanut butter

2 egg omelet, 1 cup spinach, 1 ounce feta cheese, 1 pear

1 egg, 1 cup cooked oatmeal, ½ cup mixed berries mixed in

1 egg fried in 1 tsp olive oil, 1 slice swiss cheese on 1 whole wheat English muffin

1 cup sliced cantaloupe, ½ cup low-fat cottage cheese, 1 turkey sausage patty or 2 slices of turkey bacon

½ cup low-fat plain Greek yogurt, ½ cup berries, 1 slice whole wheat bread spread with unsweetened natural peanut butter

Lunch:
1 cup lentil soup, 2 cups spinach salad with ½ cup cheese and olive oil and vinegar dressing

5 ounces grilled chicken, 2 cups salad, light Caesar dressing, ½ apple

3 ounces turkey lunch meat, ½ cup lettuce, ½ cup tomatoes, mayonnaise in 1 whole wheat pita

6 large shrimp, 3 cups chopped salad, w/ mixed veggies, olive oil and vinegar dressing

½ cup grilled chicken salad made with mayonnaise (be smart about the mayo!), 1 slice whole wheat bread, 1 slice cheese

5 oz Grilled fish (any kind) in olive oil with lemon, large side of asparagus, 1 pear

3 ounces turkey lunch meat, 1 slice cheese, 1 slice whole wheat bread mustard and small amount of mayonnaise & ½ apple

Dinner:
1 cup whole wheat pasta, 5 ounces grilled ground turkey, ½ cup tomato sauce and sprinkled with ½ cup parmesan cheese

5 ounce grilled chicken breast grilled in olive oil, with 3 cups vegetable stir fry (no noodles!!), 1/2 ounces dark chocolate

5 ounce grilled chicken breast, 1 cup broccoli, 1 baked sweet potato

1 ½ cup whole wheat pasta, 6 ounces grilled chicken, 1 cup broccoli, ½ cup of tomato sauce, 2 ounces dark chocolate

6 ounces of grilled salmon, 1 cup sautéed spinach, ½ cup whole grain rice (no white rice!!!)

5 ounces of grilled chicken, ½ cup red onion, ½ cup red peppers, ½ cup corn, 1 whole wheat tortilla

5 ounces pork tenderloin, ½ cup unsweetened apple sauce, 1 cup brussels sprouts

Snacks:
½ ounce low-fat cheese, ½ orange

1 ounce turkey lunch meat, 1 cup strawberries

small handful of peanuts, 1 string cheese

½ cup red peppers, ½ cup cottage cheese, 1 small peach

1 orange, small handful of almonds

1 hard-boiled egg, ½ piece of whole wheat toast spread with unsweetened natural peanut butter

1 cup naturally popped popcorn (be careful of the kind you microwave!), small handful of cashews

Choose one breakfast, lunch and dinner and then two snacks for the day. Substitute as needed. The challenge starts on the 29th. I’ll post the homework and workout plans soon.

Shopping List:
So, here’s the deal. With the exception of eggs, I have everything numbered by how many meals they are in, so it’s not necessarily that you need four packages of Turkey lunchmeat or seven loaves of bread, it’s that it is called for, four / seven times in the meal plan.

Eggs are the exception. I have the number of eggs called for in the plan. So, it’s eight eggs that you need for this weeks plan, not that they are called for in eight meals.

Hope this helps!!

Fruit:
1 Grapes
3 Apples
1 Cantalope
1 Pear
2 Mixed Berries
1 Lemon
4 Oranges
2 Strawberries
2 Peach (small)

Veggies:
3 Spinach
3 Salad / Lettuce
1 Tomatoes
2 Mixed Veggies
1 Asapargus
2 Broccoli
1 Sweet Potato
1 Red Onion
3 Red Peppers
1 Corn
1 Brussels Sprouts
Meat:
1 Turkey sausage or bacon
6 Chicken Breast
4 Turkey Lunchmeat
1 Shrimp
1 Fish
1 Salmon
1 Ground Turkey
1 Pork Tenderloin
Bread/Grain/Dried:
7 Whole Wheat Bread
1 Oatmeal
1 Whole Wheat English Muffin
1 Whole Wheat Pita
2 Whole Wheat Pasta
1 Brown Rice
1 Whole Wheat Tortilla
Dairy:
8 Eggs
1 Shredded Cheese
4 Low Fat Cottage Cheese
1 Feta Cheese
1 Sliced Swiss Cheese
1 Low Fat Greek Yogurt – Plain
3 Cheese
2 Low Fat Cheese
2 String Cheese
Canned:
1 Lenti Soup
2 Tomato Sauce (Hunts makes a really good no sugar added and it’s fairly cheap too!)
1 Unsweetened Applesauce
Condiments:
5 Unsweetened Nut Butter
5 Olive Oil
2 Vinegar
1 Light Ceasar Dressing
3 Mayo
1 Mustard
1 Parmesan Cheese
Misc:
2 Dark Chocolate
2 Peanuts
2 Almonds
2 Cashews
2 Popcorn

I should share that I got this meal plan and shopping list from the ladies on the Roller Derby Workout Facebook group. Thank you!

T minus 2

2012-01-26T11:24:00.001-08:00

Two days!! The challenge begins Sunday. I actually went to the gym again last night, twice in a day. It was quiet and actually very refreshing. I worked on my lower body.

Today I went and did cardio again. I had a busy day ahead of me with kids and housework. I was able to go out to my studio to paint a bit too. Tonight I have scrimmage practice and I'm excited!

My not so mid-life crisis

2012-01-25T20:15:00.001-08:00

Last summer was a rough one. I seriously had a mid life crisis. And now, although many of my friends know about it, I want to air it for everyone, in hopes it may help others.

First of all, I got married at age 19.
I went right from living with my parents to living with my husband (who was 20). Honestly, I spent our first night together in tears, and our first year was full of arguments. But we made it through. And today I can say that I am married to my best friend.

Secondly, I had a baby at age 21 (almost). I was still a baby. Then I had another one 18 months later. Then another four years after that and adopted two with special needs. I had only one identify...mom. I had given up everything I had to care for these kids God gave me.

Thirdly, I became a foster mom. We took in a child with high special needs who was disabled. Seriously, the state could not find anyone else to take her and she was about to end up in a nursing home. I was her primary caregiver. Her story was so sad. Disturbing, really.

Add all this up, throw in a husband working in the most stressful job environment possible, and you have a recipe for disaster.

I had been spending most of my life caring for other people and had forgotten myself. I didn't even know what my interests were anymore. I found myself spiraling into a strange situation, almost manic/depressive. I began acting impulsively and doing things completely out of character. It had my husband and close friends concerned.

I went to the doctor, got some medication for depression and anxiety. My husband and I went to marriage counseling, because words like divorce and separation were coming up in conversation way too often.

I began seeing a counselor on my own too. She had been helpful to get me really thinking about my behavior and why I was doing the things I did.

After 7 months and a long rocky road, I am doing pretty well. I am spending much more time focusing on myself and my marriage. I've gained new interests and hobbies, made some new friends and am trying to step out of my comfort zone. I'm finding what makes me happy vs doing things out of feelings of obligation. I'm still dealing with things and feelings, some days better than others. I still put too much trust and faith in people at times, and other times not nearly enough.

RDWC food guidelines

2012-01-25T16:59:00.001-08:00

WELCOME TO ROLLER DERBY WORKOUT CHALLENGE 2012!!!

Think of this as your bible.

We are hoping that you are here to commit to making some pretty drastic changes in your lifestyle in order to truly train like an athlete. We realize that in the next 8 weeks we will all have our successes and our failures. That is why we wanted to create a group atmosphere so that we could take this journey together. If we all try to stick to the strict guidelines for 8 weeks we will emerge on the other side healthier and more educated about our bodies. Hopefully we will have made some major life changes that will stick with us from now on.

NUTRITION is the most IMPORTANT element of fitness. You must be fueling your body with the correct food in order to gain any benefits from a workout. Eating healthy is hard. IT IS HARD!! But we promise if you can throw out your bad habits for 8 weeks, you will see an enormous change in your skating, your body and in your overall health. Here goes… you may hate us now… but you will love us later!!

SUGAR AND REFINED CARBOHYDRATES

If we could make only one change in your diet it would be to eliminate sugar and refined carbohydrates. This includes sugars, corn syrups, honey, white breads, and white pastas. High fructose corn syrup is poison, ladies. It should be avoided at all costs. READ YOUR FOOD LABELS! Just because something is marketed as a diet food does not mean it is good for you. Even artificial sugars like Splenda create negative changes in insulin and appetite regulating hormones. Lean on fresh fruit to give you your sugar high.

PROTEIN CARBS AND FATS

We have learned how to balance on our skates and now it is time to balance our diets. Anytime you sit down to eat anything, whether it is a snack or a meal, you need to have a balanced proportion of protein, carbohydrates, and fats. You should have the same amount of calories coming from each group. Now this can get REALLY overwhelming and complicated so we are making it easy on you by providing meals and snacks. Just remember that what we have put together is not to be separated. Each piece of food in a sample breakfast is there for a reason. We will be discussing this in more depth down the road but for now just know that it is important to look at our meal suggestions as whole units and not something that you can pick apart.

SODA POP AND JUICE

Get rid of it. All of it. Even the diet soda has to go. Drink water. If you must drink caffeine it needs to be in the form of black coffee and tea. We would rather you stick to water but if you must, we will let caffeine slide as long as it isn’t poisoned with sugar.

BOOZE

We aren’t gonna pretend this is going to be easy. Going 8 weeks without a drink in the roller derby world seems like a real stretch. But with the support of our group we are gonna do the best we can to really cleanse. So beer is out. No more. Remember that alcohol is poison. But if you MUST have a drink keep it in the family of vodka and red wine and keep your portions small. AND NO VODKA SPRITES!!! If you are gonna drink it, do it with soda water.

CIGARETTES

Um…. If you are a smoker you know that you need to quit. QUIT!

Whew…. Ok this is where we give a little disclaimer and let you know that we are not doctors. If you are under the dietary care of someone who has a medical degree, please listen to them and not to us. You should always consult with a doctor before starting any new diet and exercise program.

We want to thank Logan Hood from Epoch Training 87eleven Action Design for introducing us to true fitness! We can only teach you all this because we learned it from them.

T minus 3

2012-01-25T13:14:00.001-08:00

Almost to 23,000 hits!!!

Oh I'm starting to PANIC about the Roller Derby Challenge!! Do you have any idea how many times I have started something similar to this and was unsuccessful? Too many to count most likely. This challenge is going to be challenging! I'm a little scared to be honest. I have a feeling the first week I am going to be a bit cranky!

Today I went to the gym and did cardio. I burned 600 calories. I ate a healthyish lunch and cleaned some more. Relaxed for a few hours and did some thinking, made a call to my doctor to make an appointment I have been putting off making for a long time. I'm not sure what I will make for dinner tonight but I have a lot of healthy food in the house to choose from thanks to my wonderful grocery shopping husband.

T minus 4

2012-01-24T19:54:00.001-08:00

I have not as much energy today and did not feel like working out, but
I made it to the gym for a bit to do cardio ad have been cleaning the house most of the day. Even mopped!

I ate pizza but limited my portion size. No soda. :(

T minus 5

2012-01-23T09:30:00.001-08:00

Five more days!! I feel excited and nervous. Some days I feel so out of shape compared to what I used to be. 130 lbs and working out 3-5 days a week. Granted, that was pre-kids, but still I would love to get there again some day.

I started today by donning my skates. They are so pretty! I did the Roller Derby Workout video in them and it added a whole 'nother level of difficulty with the extra weight. I wasn't able to complete all the reps for the abs portion, but I did my best.

After the video and when the house was quiet with time for just me, I soaked in a mineral salt bath and just relaxed.

I did well with my eating and stayed on my skates for several hours!!! After dinner when J got home we went to the gym where I was on the elliptical machine for 50 minutes and stretched lots. I feel so good today!

T minus 6

2012-01-22T22:57:00.001-08:00

No real workout was done today. I did wear my new skates around the house for about an hour tonight. I was really busy, I went from church, to DEA practice, 1 1/2 hour drive to skate shop, to a Phinneus and Ferb live show (never will get those two hours of my life back!) then 1 hour drive home. I'm so tired!

Today I learned derby skates are a lot tougher to skate on than the roller rink rentals! Yes, you could say I'm a poser, but I'll be the first to admit I know nothing and I'm starting out very slow. My goal is to wear my new skates around the house as much as possible and when I'm more confident, practice more on the cement floor in the studio (after getting some pads!).

I'm also learning slowly about the game, rules, etc. But I will get there! Today at practice I learned a ton, hopefully I will retain it all.

Skates

2012-01-22T15:06:00.001-08:00

Went to a skate shop in Seattle called Fast Girl Skates. www.fastgirlskates.com
I tried on two pair within my price range and skated on their floor, landing flat out on my rear once. I picked out the Riedell Vandal and a couple pair of awesome knee socks!

T minus 7

2012-01-22T13:00:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I went to the gym with J and spent 30 minutes doing weights (dead lifts, push ups, inclined bench press and rows) jumping jacks then went on the elliptical machine for 40 minutes.

Diet wise I did ok, but could have done better. I did burn a bunch more calories cleaning out a room in the studio for about four hours last night.

Eczema and me

2012-01-21T10:42:00.001-08:00

I get horrible eczema and I started doing some research on food sensitivity causing it. I came across this article: http://eczema-natural-healing.com/eczema-food-allergies.html
I would like to give this diet a try. But what is left to eat??

T minus 8

2012-01-20T22:44:00.001-08:00

Ok today was a baaaadddd day and I had zero motivation. I started the day in an argument with the hubby and all I wanted to do today was sleep, cry or stuff my face with junk food. Thankful we did not have junk in the house but my plea for pizza for dinner was heard and I ate three pieces! We made up, and decided to get out of the house since I have not been out for five days. We went to a local Mexican restaurant and I indulged in a drink and shared a plate of chicken nachos. No exercise today and my gluteus-maximus is very very sore!!
(vegan diet put on hold for a bit!)

T minus 9

2012-01-19T11:43:00.001-08:00

I woke up early but stayed in bed late. We are having a winter storm and school has been closed all week. I finally got up and picked up the boys' room a bit. Then I got motivated enough to put on the workout video. I did it barefooted with no weights. It was so much tougher than it looks! Mid way I was dripping sweat from my brow as I was doing leg lifts. I feel like I got a really good workout.

My diet was not the greatest but I stayed under my calorie limit!

Roller Derby Workout Challenge T minus 10

2012-01-18T23:21:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow marks the first day to prepare for the Roller Derby Workout Challenge. The actual challenge begins on the 29th, but I would really like to get a little head start!! I am going to be writing my diet down at myfitnesspal.com (my user name is carsoncity) and working out with my Roller Derby Workout Video. Join me in my quest to lose about 50 pounds and get into the best shape ever!!! (well since high school!)

Just the girls

2012-01-18T00:44:00.001-08:00

As part of our Christmas gift, my mom treated me and my girls to a trip to Seattle at the end of December. We stayed at a hotel, went to see Cinderella the musical and went out to a nice dinner. We also had a few shopping excursions and the girls rode on the carousel.

Sickness

2012-01-15T21:31:00.001-08:00

No fun at all. We had planned a fabulous night away, got a room at a nearby hotel, sent all the kids off to various places, had take out Thai and went to a movie. But both of us have a terrible cold! We tried our hardest not to let it ruin our date night.

Derby

2012-01-13T07:49:00.001-08:00

My interest in roller derby is growing. I went to a practice on Tuesday with some new friends, and fell in love.

I have a goal to get in shape, practice skating and attend the Booty Camp in the fall. I am on the team as a non skating official. This means I help with things like score keeping and penalty box time keeping. This will help me learn the game and make connections.

I ordered this great workout video and got it in the mail the other day. I would like to do it every other day. Now I need to buy some skates!!

Learning

2012-01-11T21:48:00.001-08:00

I'm learning how to crochet and I have always wanted some fingerless gloves. I kind of threw this project together without much direction but it turned out ok!

Disguise

2012-01-10T09:07:00.001-08:00

We disguised coconut milk in a glass cow milk container. The kids ate their cereal with it this morning without complaints!

Official fitness challenge weigh in

2012-01-09T13:31:00.001-08:00

Today I was weighed and pinched for the Support Officer Fitness Challenge. It was interesting to see the difference between the results from the Bioelectric Impedance Analysis test and the skin fold caliper measurements. Today I weighed in at 215.5 lbs and at 37.3% body fat.

The challenge lasts 12 weeks and we compete in a team. Our team consists of five people. We will be weighed and measures at the end and will be disqualified if we lose any muscle mass. Prizes are given to members of the winning team.

Early morning

2012-01-09T03:53:00.001-08:00

It's 3:30 am and I'm restless. Not sure why but I woke and couldn't fall back to sleep.

Thoughts are churning in my head. Random things and ideas, goals and dreams, worries and problems are haunting me tonight.

I'm feeling very unsure about life recently. I don't feel joy. I sometimes resent my husband and children. I spend a lot of time wishing for things that are out of reach. I have little motivation to get things done in every day life. I feel like I'm in the movie Groundhog Day, and the same activities are being rerun over and over. I have many things I would like to do but I either can't get away from housework and mommy-hood, am too exhausted to do it, feel guilty for doing it, or sabotage myself. I have been working on my self talk, trying to claim my fears and feelings and also find a positive spin on life, but it can be so hard!

second (or third or sixth) chances

2012-01-08T13:02:00.000-08:00

I am trying again to get to my weight loss and fitness goal.

This time around I have a new motivation.

We are renewing our wedding vows in August,

and I bought a fabulous vintage size 15 dress to wear.

And we are going to Mexico (or wherever we end up going) for our second honeymoon.

I want to get down to my goal weight,

according to my trainer that is 172 lbs.

When I weighed in on December 21st I weighed 220.8 lbs.

My body fat was 41.6% and it should be 18-26%.

This is what I would love to look like by August 26, 2012...

Tuesday

2012-01-08T12:15:00.000-08:00

Meet my "new" '76 VW Transporter.

I named her Tuesday, the day she came home to me.

New me

2012-01-04T09:19:00.001-08:00

Yes I an a little late with the New Year post, but I have been busy. I found a Blogger app for my phone which will help blog a little more (lucky you!). I hope you all had an awesome and safe Christmas and New Year celebration. We did. I have been spending the week meditating on what I want to change or improve on in 2012.

Get Organized.

Be a better mom.

Read the bible daily.

Become VEGAN. I am adopting the vegan diet, mainly for health and weight loss reasons.

Getting fit. This has been a resolution I have failed in before, but I am looking at it as a lifelong goal, not just a resolution. The new year has given me a fresh start to get motivated. I will be blogging about my weight loss adventures. So stay tuned!

New hobbies:
For Christmas, J bought me an older VW Transporter bus. We are going to be learning some new things as we work on getting it up and running smoothly. I would also love to pimp it out a bit!

I also am getting involved with Roller Derby. I met a few people on a Facebook group who are members of the Bellingham Roller Betties. They are in need of officials to volunteer their time. So I am going to be tagging along to a scrimmage in a week to get some information and check it out! Also, J is planning on volunteering for security at their bouts.

Bartering. I got involved with a bartering group on Facebook and I am hooked! I have a surplus of stuff to use for trades, and I have been enjoying clearing out clutter for things we need or have wanted. I have also met some great new local people through people. I will write a separate blog on my bartering adventures soon.

Happy Birthday S!

2012-01-03T21:20:00.001-08:00

S is celebrating his 4th birthday on the 4th! We are currently on a family trip to Great Wolf Lodge, and we are all having a great time! We got S a cake tonight since we will be checking out tomorrow. He loves chocolate!! Happy birthday to our sweet boy.

Save the Date

2011-12-24T17:43:00.001-08:00

We are renewing our vows!!

Friends and family, please save the date,

Sunday, August 26th, 2012 at 7 pm.

Formal invitation will follow.

Early Christmas Day

2011-12-24T00:00:00.000-08:00

J. has to work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I am not sure but it seems like it has been a long time since that has happened. We decided to celebrate early, on Friday, so that we wouldn't be rushed for time together.

The day was wonderful. We read the Christmas story together, opened gifts, shared a yummy breakfast of Overnight French Toast and sausage, played with our new toys, watched a movie, read books, and then later enjoyed a delicious ham with scalloped potatoes, veggies, rolls and sparkling cider. To finish the day, we sang "happy birthday" to Jesus and ate birthday cake.

We wish you a Merry Christmas!

Blogworthy.

2011-12-23T19:13:00.000-08:00

E. on Dec. 23, 2011.

I have been putting off blogging for a while, mainly because I felt like I did not have much worthy to write about. But my goal is to post every day. Hopefully you all will find my life blogworthy. If not, don't read it. At the very least it will do me some good.

Newsy

2011-12-09T21:06:00.000-08:00

So many new chapters going on our family right now. Where to begin?

I am starting my own business and applied for a license (it came in the mail a few weeks ago). I named it White Rabbit Arts. I am still kind of developing a business plan, but here is where I am going with it currently: kids arts classes, crafts for young and old, fine art and mixed media, event planning and children's room decorating and organizing.
I have been teaching a dance class for preschoolers called "Lil' Crocodiles. It is being held at this awesome older building in town and I am able to trade cleaning it for class use. I am starting out with one weekly 45 minute class for kids ages 2-6. It has been lots of fun!
Bartering has been something both J and I have been really getting into. We have been going through the house, ridding rooms of clutter and unused items and gaining some nice, needed things. J and I have also traded some labor for delicious meals.
My newest bartering agreement...providing childcare last minute to a single dad who is a personal trainer. He is going to be training me for two months for me helping him this month caring for his two sweet kids.
We are waiting to hear some big news that may effect our family so be praying. Will write about it soon.
E has been going to therapy here at a local place. She has been wonderful and we had a bit of a breakthrough with him!! It was emotional and awesome to see him express some sort of feeling toward his background and birthmom (we have no clue who she is) and turn to ME for comfort.

Tutoring

2011-11-23T16:21:00.003-08:00

My girls have been going to tutoring weekly for the last few weeks. We found Jennifer who runs Easing Learning. She has been great and my girls really like her! If you need a tutor in the Whatcom County area, I can't recommend Easing Learning enough.

just dance.

2011-11-23T15:53:00.000-08:00

Since I was three years old I have been dancing. Taking lessons at a local dance studio for years and then enrolling in a school after moving across state. Dancing took me to Washington DC, performing in amazing locations there. I have competed, and even danced professionally with our troupe. After I got burned out the end of my sophomore year of high school, I signed up for the dance drill team at high school. There I lettered and helped choreograph and was part of the audition process. I kinda lost my dance shoes throughout time, getting wrapped up in family life, babies, volunteering and foster care. I helped occasionally with the church's musical productions, but other than that, my dance "career" was pretty stale.

I signed my girls up for classes, C. was asked to leave (long story). K. enjoyed it but funds were tight. I loved watching their recitals and my favorite part was watching the adult class perform, I always got chills. My desire was to be up onstage with them, performing. It had been one of my goals to get into a class when I am thinner.

Recently I joined a facebook bartering group. I have been connecting with local people (many moms) and trade goods or services for something I have to offer. Someone on the group had asked if anyone taught dance lessons. After some thought, I decided to speak up and figured I would give it a shot! I have helped teach classes, have choreographed, observed and been in enough dance classes to surely handle the preschool set!

I was able to locate through Craigslist a dance studio. Bartering cleaning services for studio time, I have my location all set. I offered a free demo class on Monday. It was a little rocky, but I had fun and most of the kids did too. I am overcoming a lot of fears and self consciousness by stepping out of my comfort zone and doing something like this!

I am going to be offering a class on Monday mornings and one on Sunday afternoons. If you want more information, like my page on facebook http://www.facebook.com/lilcrocodiles

Goodbye

2011-11-18T15:24:00.000-08:00

On Oct 31st we said goodbye to M. after caring for her since the beginning of July. She was such a sweetheart, but we are all glad to see she was reunited with her parents. We wish her all the best!

these boots

2011-11-18T15:03:00.000-08:00

I found an awesome pair of Tony Lama

cowgirl boots at a nearby boutique.

They are vintage and have been well loved.

And look so darn cute with a brown skirt!

My space

2011-10-27T11:12:00.000-07:00

Our "homestead" came complete with a full sized recording studio building behind our house. While it doesn't have plumbing (which would be sooo nice), it provides extra usable square footage for our family. We have done a lot of work to the interior of the building. There are four rooms in there to use as bedrooms, rec room and storage. I have decided to move out the items in the storage room to make my own art studio. J has been very supportive and even hunted down a beautiful easel for me. Here are some of the photos as we are putting together the room!

More to come!

Apple farm

2011-10-11T16:11:00.000-07:00

We had a fun Saturday at a local organic farm. We picked apples and a few pumpkins, enjoying the sunny day (they are getting fewer and further between).

self care step one...

2011-10-09T23:26:00.000-07:00

Today I went to get a mani/pedi at a little nail salon with friends. It felt lovely to have someone treat my feet and hands and polish my nails with some pretty fall colors!

Also, my mom loaned me the book "The Dirty Life" by Kristin Kimball. I really need to start reading more and am excited to start this book tonight!!

ten of my favorite things

2011-10-09T10:43:00.000-07:00

1: Spending time with loved ones.
2: Passion.
3: Listening to rain hit our metal roof.
4: Holding babies.
5: Clean sheets on my bed.
6: Being creative and enjoying the arts...music, dance, writing, painting, design, theater, architecture, fashion...anything.
7: Giving. (including love, service, compassion and material things)
8: Traveling and experiencing different cultures.
9: Living simply.
10: Moving. (active and non-stagnant)

SELF-CARE: An Assessment

2011-10-07T20:13:00.000-07:00

I recently took an online quiz. No, not the "What Disney Character Are You?" quiz. A more serious, eye opening one. It addressed self-care needs for people in helping roles. Me.
"Being in a helping role involves attending to the needs of others and you are often exposed to negativity and suffering."

I took the quiz and can you believe it? the results (more than 15 very true responses to the 40 questions) meant that it is definitely time to take a close and careful look at self-care issues.

As I stated in my last post, I have been working on self discovery and de-cluttering. In response to the question "how can we make this household less stressful?" my husband answered, "we need to get rid of some kids". Not possible but for one.

The bottom line is this. I need to take better care of myself. Both of us do as parents. The problem is I feel guilty and selfish when I do. Tonight I read this:

"Being self- referential has nothing to do with selfishness or narcissism.

It ironically increases your effectiveness in helping others."

And I found this brilliant quote as well...
"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." -Friedrich Nietzsche

school

2011-09-13T15:33:00.000-07:00

Six kids and five schools. My mornings consist of (with lots of help from J) feeding, bathing, dressing, packing lunches and sending kids on four different buses. It's crraaazzzy. But's been so nice and relaxing to have some time to myself in the mornings the last two days. I was really needing this!

searching

2011-09-03T20:42:00.000-07:00

The last few months have been difficult, maybe the blog is evidence of that. Having a high needs child with a saddening story, dealing with J's difficult hours and stressful job, arguing kids home for the summer and other things have all piled up. I feel like I woke up one day and realized I don't know who I am anymore! I know I am a mom and a wife (and part of other relationships too). But my interests have waned. I don't take time for myself like I should. And I certainly haven't felt genuinely happy. I almost feel like I am going through a midlife crisis, although I am not really old enough to be at the "midlife" point yet.

So I am wading through some emotional things and trying to figure out my real interests, hobbies, what excites me and what I need to say no to. I am going to try new things and do some things I have wanted to do but been too scared to try. I am going to continue working on improving areas in my life that need improving, and de-cluttering and letting go of things that need to go.

it's a zoo

2011-09-03T19:49:00.001-07:00

We had several appointments at the children's hospital for our foster daughter, back to back and over an hour drive one way. So we made it a fun trip and rented a hotel room (actually two), went out to eat and swam in the pool. The next day we went to the zoo and wore everyone out!

Almost a man...

2011-08-23T20:34:00.000-07:00

Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid, one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory.
Douglas MacArthur

Goodbye

2011-08-22T20:18:00.000-07:00

We have had dogs as pets for as long as I can remember. I grew up with several great dogs, and had a few in our marriage before kids. Robin the beagle joined our family about 10 years ago, and we added Jackson, the long haired chihuahua about seven years ago. On the 4th of July, we left both dogs in the chain link dog run outside. Unfortunately, Jackson must have dug out from underneath and escaped. After searching, putting up posters, calling and visiting the local humane societies, we still have not found poor Jackson. Then tragedy hit our family as J. was getting the kids ready to go the other morning. I was at a therapy session with E. and missed the whole thing. I met J. in the parking lot of work to trade cars. I asked how the morning went, and learned about what happened. Robin had ran out the front door left open by a child, and ran right into the road. He was hit and killed by a truck going past. J. was inside, getting our foster child ready to go. He heard yelling, tires squealing, and a loud thud, followed by yells for dad. He went running out, fearing that one of our children had been hit, but it was Robin. He sent everyone inside, all crying and upset, and dealt with the disposal and clean up. And then we all mourned. J. was able to come home early from work that night. We are still sad. We miss our dogs.

Sunburn

2011-07-31T10:02:00.000-07:00

J has been working a lot lately since starting a special work project and picking up extra overtime. Right now he is on a nine day stretch. It is difficult for me when he is at work, because I feel like it is such a chore to load kids up and go anywhere. But yesterday was Pioneer Days in our little nearby town, and when my friend Sarah asked if we wanted to hang out with them, I figured it was worth the effort. It took me an hour to pack up the kids' things, medical equipment and stuff, but we made it!

We had a big time too, walked to the parade and the kids filled up with candy galore. Then while we walked to the local grocery store to pick up lunch, someone told us about some free hotdogs, chips and pop. The kids grabbed lunch there, and ate while we walked. 12 kids and 2 ladies walking across town. They all did well, except S. who probably should have been in a stroller or on a leash. He is WILD.

We made it to the store and the kids all were paired up with a buddy. They were sent to pick out one snack to share that wasn't candy, and was under $5. It was interesting to see what they picked out. I got a yummy chicken caesar salad that I didn't share. We loaded back up to walk back to our friends' house, and stopped at the park along the river to let the kids cool off by the fountain. Then finally made it back, exhausted. We ate, swam, and played hard. The kids were so worn out when we got home. And I was sunburned. BAD. The kids were good about the sunscreen, but I forgot about mom. Ugh.

new things

2011-07-21T14:34:00.000-07:00

I am busy learning all about how to care for a special little girl who is considered medically fragile. M is seven years old and is about thirty pounds. She is tube fed, immobile, nonverbal and suffers from Rett Syndrome. She is the sweetest, happiest little girl too! We've been bombarded with medical equipment, nursing training, and learning all sorts of new things, but it has been a good adventure.

Look at the tractor!!!!

2011-07-17T08:08:00.000-07:00

S. wanted everyone to look at the tractor when at the Rodeo Days Parade last weekend. J. took four kids over to the eastern side of the state to visit family. I was sad I wasn't able to go, our van is having too many problems and we couldn't all fit in the car. But it was a good thing I was home so we could take in a new foster child.

wish we were there...

2011-07-15T18:10:00.000-07:00

No summer vaca for us...just hanging around the house. But we have been enjoying each other and making memories. A few weeks ago we went to a fun party to celebrate foster care families. The theme was Hawaiian Luau, and we all had a great time, even came home with some fun prizes.

Last week a little girl was placed with us in a crazy whirlwind foster care system sort of way. She is the sweetest little girl, but requires total care. We are uncertain how long she will be in our home.

Change in plans

2011-07-08T12:41:00.000-07:00

We have decided to try a local therapist before driving the long distance to see the other one. I was referred to this local woman by our pediatrician, who I love, and spoke to her on the phone last week. She is newer in the area so many don't know of her. J and I went in to see her yesterday and she was great. She has adopted before and seems to have a good understanding on attachment issues as well as how we were describing E. to her. We will meet with her again and bring E. Once she meets him she can get an idea of what type of therapy would be the best...theraplay or writing a life story are a few things she does for younger kids.

We will keep the other therapist in mind if this doesn't work out...but I really hope it does. This will be way more simple and inexpensive!

soon...

2011-06-29T09:52:00.011-07:00

Mark, the therapist I wrote about called me yesterday morning and we spoke for a bit about E. He did not recommend getting a neuropsych evaluation. I was told it can be a waste of time and money and can be damaging for the child if taken to the wrong person. He recommended coming in for an evaluation and going from there. He can recommend some good people if E. really needs one. He said many times these kids "act" like they have a learning disability and manipulate many when they are perfectly capable of getting better.

Mark has a few opening this summer since families are on vacation, so we are able to come in to see him on July 11. One thing I LOVE is that he doesn't see the child alone. He wants to see the whole family, since E. is part of a family and his behaviors effect everyone.

I mentioned to Mark that for the longest time I didn't think my son had RAD or attachment issues. He didn't fit in some of the descriptions I have seen. He is not violent to others, doesn't typically tease or bully, and doesn't have full out rages (anymore). The response I got from him on the phone seemed right on..."that's not good". Mark said these kids are becoming the victim and are internalizing their anger. Then they become passive aggressive. He said we want E. to be able to identify and express what he is feeling, work through it and then hopefully he won't continue acting out as much to everyone else.

I also spoke of E. continually asking for food or water whenever we are in public or around new people. He does it in a way of is implying I am neglecting to care for him. Yesterday he asked for lunch when we dropped his sister at her friends house, as soon as I opened the van doors and he saw Mrs. J standing there. It was nearly 2 o clock and she said, "Oh, you haven't had lunch yet? I thought you ate already!". I told her that he didn't, we had a late breakfast and a snack through, then left to run a few errands. How sneaky of him to make it seem like I am the bad guy! Or the other day when we went to the beach for a few hours and invited a couple J. works with. He would NOT stop asking for water and getting into other's things sneaking drinks. He had three drinks of water in 30 minutes. He was NOT thirsty, but wanted to let it be known to everyone that he loves water and was really thirsty. Not normal behavior for a typical kid, everyone else was playing on the beach, kicking the soccer ball, or playing with the dogs. E. just hovered and annoyed. Mark gave me a good tip, instead of answering him over and over, just say, "It seems like you need some mommy time, come sit right here by me." Then he will soon hopefully learn that his behavior is negatively effecting him and not me. The problem though, is that most of the time when he is acting this way, he is already nearby and pestering. He doesn't want to be anywhere else.

I am excited about our appointment and ask you pray that we will be able to get insurance approval for 100% coverage. At this point it will cover 70%, not too affordable right now.

The Checklist

2011-06-27T23:07:00.000-07:00

Last night I slept horribly. I had dreams and nightmares about E. I felt like my brain would not shut off and all I could think about was how we need to start getting him help.

E. has his good days and bad days. I am fearful of summer with him out of school. He loves to hover around and annoy everyone present, rather than play like most five year olds. If we go anywhere or have anyone over, he spends the majority of time acting silly, cute, or just plain weird. There are occasions where he is sweet, happy and loving. But I sometimes wonder what is genuine and what is not. Last week in church he did great, was obedient, and even cuddled with me. But, guess what was at stake after church was over? Right, cake.

I spent part of last week doing some research about getting a neuropsychological evaluation for E. I was referred to a local woman who sounds lovely and I was so excited to call her. Unfortunately, she doesn't work with children younger than six. No one within an hour and a half drive from us does. I am wondering if we should wait until he is six. I have also heard rave reviews about a therapist a few hours away specializing in working with kids with attachment issues and trauma. I contacted him tonight by email to see how we can get help for E.

His group's website had a checklist on their site that caught my eye.

Circle the items if they are frequently or often true.

My child acts cute or charms others to get others to do what my child wants.
My child often does not make eye contact when adults want to make eye contract with my child.
My child is overly friendly with strangers.
My child pushes me away or becomes stiff when I try to hug, unless my child wants something from me.
My child argues for long periods of time, often about ridiculous things.
My child has a tremendous need to have control over everything, becoming very upset if things don't go my child's way.
My child acts amazingly innocent, or pretends that things aren't that bad when caught doing something wrong.
My child does very dangerous things, ignoring that my child may be hurt.
My child deliberately breaks or ruins things.
My child doesn't seem to feel age-appropriate guilt when my child does something wrong.
My child teases, hurts, or is cruel to other children.
My child seems unable to stop from doing things on impulse.
My child steals, or shows up with things that belong to others with unusual or suspicious reasons for how my child got these things.
My child demands things, instead of asking for them.
My child doesn't seem to learn from mistakes and misbehavior (no matter what the consequence, the child continues the behavior).
My child tries to get sympathy from others by telling them that I abuse, don't feed, or don't provide the basic life necessities.
My child "shakes off" pain when hurt, refusing to let anyone provide comfort.
My child likes to sneak things without permission, even though my child could have had these things if my child had asked.
My child lies, often about obvious or ridiculous things, or when it would have been easier to tell the truth.
My child is very bossy with other children and adults.
My child hoards or sneaks food, or has other unusual eating habits (eats paper, raw flour, package mixes, baker's chocolate, etc.
My child can't keep friends for more than a week.
My child throws temper tantrums that last for hours.
My child chatters non-stop, asks repeated questions about things that make no sense, mutters, or is hard to understand when talking.
My child is accident-prone (gets hurt a lot), or complains a lot about every little ache and pain (needs constant band aids).
My child teases, hurts, or is cruel to animals.
My child doesn't do as well in school as my child could with even a little more effort.
My child has set fires, or is preoccupied with fire.
My child prefers to watch violent cartoons and/or TV shows or horror movie (regardless of whether or not you allow your child to do this).
My child was abused/neglected during the first year of life, or had several changes of primary caretaker during the first several years of life.
My child was in an orphanage for more than the first year of life.
My child was adopted after the age of eighteen months.

If you find that more than a few items (more than five or so) have been circled, your child may be experiencing difficulties that require professional assistance. If, in addition to several items being marked, any of the last three items is check, your child may be experiencing attachment related problems.

Sadly, I circled 22 items on this list.

down by the bay

2011-06-21T16:20:00.000-07:00

K. and I spent a day last week at the nearby state park with the homeschool coop group. We played beach bingo, and found some creatures, and said goodbye to the school year and some great friends.

Fat lip

2011-06-21T16:03:00.000-07:00

S. had his second trip to the ER last night, nearly a year after his first one. He was playing outside, tripped and fell right on his face. His mouth instantly gushed blood and the older kids started screaming. I remained calm, but realized, S may need stitches. I called his pediatrician and they said he would need to be seen by a specialist since the cuts were on his lips.

My friend was able to watch three of the kids, and C was able to stay longer at her friend's house. I took S. to the hospital and thankfully it was a short visit. The overall experience seemed way more traumatic than last year. You could tell S. was fearful and in pain. Poor kid. I must say, the hospital where he got treated last year was a lot more child friendly and thorough. S. did not see a specialist, but a nurse practitioner who used super glue on his cut.

Today, his lip is twice as big as it was last night, and he has a fever. He had a slight fever already from a cold, but it was not quite as bad as today. So we called the doc again and he was seen this afternoon. They said it is going to look bad, and there is not a lot they can do. They did prescribe some better pain meds for poor S. He doesn't want to eat or drink much.

What's the big deal about TV, Movies, Computers and Video Games?

2011-06-14T23:27:00.000-07:00

by Nancy Thomas

It really is a big deal! These children often have damaged and delayed development of the brain, due to early trauma, such as abuse, separation from the mother, not having their needs meet, and being left to cry for long periods, day after day. It is essential that they have the pieces in place necessary to give the brain optimum opportunity to heal.

• Time spent on these activities prevents the brain from healing
• Interrupts the normal thinking patterns
• Time spent out of reality
• Subtracts from time child spends doing healing activities
• Reinforces twisted thinking and behavior
• Eliminates relationship building activities
• Conditions viewer to tolerate more violence and more sexual behavior
• Increases expenses
• Deteriorates self-esteem

The seven to ten second scene changes that most movies and TV programs have, disrupt normal thinking patterns. In some programs, such as the Pokemon movie for children, the changes are actually at four-second intervals. For the brain to heal, the child must spend time thinking, feeling, touching, building, creating, designing, etc. Being in a "ozone state" completely out of touch with reality, for one hour is one less hour that the brain is moving forward in its progress.

The programs and games, themselves, have highly destructive elements to moral character building. These children who know right from wrong often and intentionally choose wrong repeatedly. The theme of many TV shows and movies conditions viewers to tolerate higher levels of violence, sexual behavior and disrespect. Even the commercials often depict parents as ignorant and the child having to tell them what the proper kind of breakfast food should be.

Children with emotional problems that have trust issues with adults often see the adults as inept, powerless and clueless; reinforcing these concepts is counterproductive.

The fourteen hours a day that we are given to help each child, must not be squandered. I see each minute, as a priceless opportunity. To waste them on destructive activities is unconscionable. The brain requires eye contact with a loving caregiver. The aforementioned destructive activities eliminate this. The brain and nervous system in order to heal must have touch. Loving touch and interactive play activity are not a part of watching TV or movies. The "zoning out" in front of the tube eliminates movement, smiles, and normal relationship activities. Some parents feel the TV is an inexpensive babysitter or a distraction to "keep the kid busy" so the parent can work or rest. I believe the time a child spends sitting and staring at the screen is incredibly expensive in the long run. Costs need to be observed in several areas. The cost to the parents is in the form of more therapy needed. While the cost to the child is in the form of more of their childhood lost, whereas, the cost to society is yet another member with delays in work ethic, relationship skills and/or moral character.

When I begin the therapeutic parenting program with a child I plan on not having the child watch TV, movies, play computer or video games for one solid year. I prefer toys that increase creativity, problem solving, cause and effect thinking, tactile stimulation, and focus. My favorite is a bucket of Legos. They make big ones for little hands all the way up to motorized for teens. Incredible creations the children build can be used as a centerpiece on your table at meals. To build self-esteem, I also like to have the child hold their creation while I photograph them. The act of photographing the child’s project in itself says "what you did is important." The follow up of showing the photos to friends and relatives and putting them on your refrigerator further builds the child’s belief in their abilities and value. Action video and computer games are very helpful for a child planning a military career, the increase in the trigger finger speed can be helpful in a real life battle situation.

It’s been over twenty years since we eliminated television from our home life. I find our children reading more, talking more and interacting more. Why not unplug the tube and plug into your child’s life!

First warm-ish day of 2011

2011-06-14T21:06:00.000-07:00

On a sunny Sunday when J was off work, we headed to a nearby park with these two turkeys,

no, these ones...

pet and fed some animals,

"drove" a tractor,

climbed trees,

and discovered wetland life.

How do you know?

2011-06-13T16:06:00.000-07:00

How can I tell if some of the behavior we experience with E. is related to trauma/attachment issues or simply a learning delay or disability? If it is defiance or normal childhood ignorance?

We are learning more and more about PTSD/RAD/trauma effected children recently. I have been meeting up with a wonderful group of ladies watching Nancy Thomas videos a few times a month. Great information! I have only seen two sessions but so far I am really impressed.

E. has been through so much in his short little life, and part of his early childhood is missing. No one knows what happened to him from birth to age 8 months. Who knows what trauma he experienced besides nearly starving to death? The fact that he went through the stress of malnourishment, being in an orphanage for years and then moving to a family he didn't know in a new country would be enough to effect him for sure...either emotionally or physically.

When the average person or even a close friend or family member (outside our immediate family) sees E., they see a happy, cute little boy who is eager to please. He rarely has behavior issues at preschool, does fine in the care of others, and loves to make others laugh.

At home, sometimes, there is another little boy. One that is sometimes defiant, that doesn't seem to know answers to questions, that can throw a huge tantrum and who rarely listens or follows directions. Up until the last year we thought this was due to a learning disability. We are starting to get a better idea that this might be something more.

Let me give you an idea:

Me: E, please go get ready for bed.

E.: OK.

E. comes out of his room with mismatched pajamas and a whiny look.

E.: Is it ok if I wear these pants with this?

Me: I know there are matching pants with that shirt, lets look.

I look through his drawer and quickly find the matching pair. No biggie.

Next day:

Me: Good morning E.

E.: Hi!

E. sneaks around the bathroom taking a really long time.

Me: What are you doing in there?

E. I am taking off my diaper.

Me: You didn't put a diaper on last night, because you don't need one anymore! When did you put a diaper on?

E. Hmm. I peed it.

I look at the diaper which is relatively dry, except on the outside, which feels slightly wet. Strange.

Me: Can you please get dressed? There are clothes folded on top of your dresser for you.

E.: Ok!

Me: Don't put on S's clothes though!

Hubby can't find S's clothes, which I also laid out on the dresser. He calls E. into the room. E. is wearing S's clothes.

Me: E., why are you wearing those? Take them off, and put on the other ones. Where are the other clothes for you?

E.: They are in the drawer.

E. had taken the clothes he was supposed to put on and put them in the drawer, under a few other items. Weird.

Another good example:

Me: E. why are are doing that?

E: S. is...

Me: How old is S.?

E.: Hmmm...

Me: S. is three. How old are you?

E.: Uhhh... I don't know how old I am.

Me: Well think about it a minute.

E.: Hmmm...eight.

Me: No, try again.

E. Uhh, seven.

This goes on and on while E. guesses several possible ages AVOIDING the number 5.

Me: (knowing he is lying and DOES know he is 5) I don't think you will be able to graduate preschool and go to kindergarten if you don't know your age. Are you sure you can't remember how old you are?

E.: I don't know.

Me: You need to sweep the floor in the kitchen until you can remember.

E.: I'm mad at you!

I let E. sweep for a minute and occasionally ask him if he can remember. Then, after a few minutes of sweeping, he suddenly can remember he is 5!

He has also done this when playing a color game, pretending he doesn't know the color and going around the entire color wheel trying to "guess".

Now some of you are going to say this is normal five year old behavior. I understand that many people do not understand how frustrating it is parenting these trauma effected children. Please know that this is a small picture of what I go through parenting this child everyday. And imagine that this is going on all day long. Then, when he goes to school, or grandma's, and to hear that he does not have any of the issues I describe while in their care...oh I hope you can imagine.

Why does he do this? Control. And that gets under my skin. I am trying my hardest not to let it. In the video (please bear with me as I have only watched it once and am not great at remembering details) I learned that kids effected by abuse, trauma, etc. use the back portion of their brain the most. This is the fight or flight portion. E. is here a lot, it is home to him, and he does what it takes to get reactions from us (mainly me) so he can stimulate this area. Our goal is to get him to use more of his frontal lobe, the cause/effect part of his brain. The part that helps with attachment, good decision making skills, etc. We want him to use and strengthen THIS part. So when he does something looking for a reaction, and we get angry and frustrated, he can see this and feel somewhat content and satisfied. When we react in another way, throw him off a bit, it will get him to start using the frontal lobe more. This is what I am excited about learning more about!

Stress

2011-06-11T14:54:00.000-07:00

I have had a very hard time these last few years. The stress of adoptions, attachment difficulties, raising five kids, homeschooling some, my husband's job and life in general is taking a toll on my body.

I went to the dentist last week and have three teeth that are needing repairs due to clenching and grinding in my sleep. Two cavities have cracked, one tooth is worn down. My crown also needs to be redone, not sure if it is related or not.

I also have had some problems with my arms, they have been numb and tingly for about a week. I had this happen last year, right before I went to Uganda. I thought it was stress and caused from me on the computer often. This time it is in both arms and more severe. I haven't been on the computer often at all. The doctor doesn't think it is carpal tunnel, but maybe a pinched nerve. She said to wait and see if it goes away. Well, since this is effecting my nerves and circulation, I didn't really want to sit idle. So I went to the chiropractor yesterday (first time I have ever been). She was very nice and really seemed to get me. She suggested taking fish oil and vitamin B6. I went for an x ray and will see her again on Monday morning.

Solar Oven

2011-06-07T14:32:00.000-07:00

My daughter C. is working on a science fair project. She decided to build a solar oven and see how effective it is when baking brownies. I am quite interested in the outcome. She is using this design, which really got me excited to see how this inventor is trying to improve lives in Africa.

She is painting the inner box right now and soon we will start checking the internal temperature. Can't wait to see if it works!

I am going

2011-06-01T11:46:00.000-07:00

to the ETAMM. I can't wait, you have no idea.

updates

2011-05-31T11:40:00.000-07:00

Dust has settled a bit from our difficult week, but things are still tense.

L. is at a counseling session right now with his dad. I was planning on going but was not able to due to childcare issues/preschoolers getting on and off buses. I wonder if he might be able to open up more with me not there anyway. He did NOT want to go. It's a pastor from our church who is a school counselor and youth leader, so I am sure L. is embarrassed and worried about what might happen.

We had a fun day yesterday with friends at the bay. We packed hot dogs, salads and smore stuff and built a fire near the water. The kids had a great time playing and the weather was mild and perfect in my opinion.

We haven't had any more foster care placements, which I think is perfect for now. We had a lot going on and I can't imagine going through that while caring for another child. I am still learning the ins and outs of how things work. I haven't received an invoice for payment yet, and I think today is the last day to turn it in. I hope I can get things figured out soon.

We are needing to plan our summer. There are a lot of possibilities for activities for the kids. But I need to come to some decisions about what to do!

Public school is in the works for ALL my kids in the fall. I am a little sad, but I think it is the best thing at this point. L. will be a high schooler, C. a jr. higher, K. a 2nd or 3rd grader (not sure yet on placement), E. a kindergartener, S. a preschooler. Wow. If there is an event in our school district, you can bet we will be there!

How quickly

2011-05-27T10:46:00.000-07:00

How quickly time has passed...

from the moment I first held my first born son in my arms in the recovery room after an emergency c-section delivery, to hugging a 14 year old son now taller than me!

We've quickly gone from a Batman fanatic to a moody, teenage young man.

And after a quiet dinner of mac n cheese eating outside with his siblings on a sunny day, he had gone without any indication, no one really even noticed he left until late in the evening, we all thought he was hanging out in his room.

How quickly my mind jumped to the worst possible thoughts of things that could have happened to my baby boy.

How quickly our community banded together to help. Pictures were posted on facebook, police officers and sheriff deputies were searching, friends came to sit with me and take little kids for a bit. Many offered to pray and give emotional support.

How quickly, yet how SLOWLY 17 hours passed while he was missing. A note was found that he had run away, and my worst fears where being shared with my level headed husband. How quickly I broke down when he unplugged our computer to take into the police station to have it analyzed.

How quickly I was RELIEVED yet so ANGRY when my son was found by a friend and brought home. Praise God he was unharmed, and came back safe to us. Things might never be completely the same again for our family. We are working on some things, but I must say, his reasons for leaving seemed so small in our adult minds, sister issues and things like that. He had spent the entire night outside, alone.

Please pray for us and him.

Foster kids

2011-05-22T19:23:00.000-07:00

We got our license approved for foster care on Wednesday. During the phone call to let us know we were approved, we were also asked if we wanted to take our first placement, or two. They had two girls who needed a place temporarily. While we were only approved for one child due to WA state law of no more than six children in the home, the licensor was able to approve a waiver for us to take these two girls in. They were ages six and less than one. Super cute and pretty sweet. K. had a great time sharing her room and things with her new friend. The next day the social worker called to tell us they would be leaving. K. cried and cried. But, to our surprise, four hours later they called again and said the home they thought the girls would go to didn't work out and wondered if they could come back. We said, "of course!" and K. was overjoyed. They stayed for three nights and four days. By the end of the forth day I could tell the K. was getting a little tired of her guest. It was great timing for them to go back to their family. We are glad it worked out for a reunion. The older girl was really missing her mama. Two new kids was very wearing on me, so I am not sure if it will be something I would do on a regular basis.

let go

2011-05-16T18:27:00.001-07:00

Six months ago we were faced with some very difficult problems after struggling to bring Mercy home from Uganda.

We tried for months to get a court date.
We got a court date and were refused to be seen by the judge, and any other judge in the capital, where they have a family court division.
We could not get a court date in the smaller town where Mercy was from, after trying for weeks.
I needed to be home with my family after a total of nine weeks being gone. My mother in law who was staying with the kids needed to return home across the state to her husband and her job. She was not able to come stay with them again later.
Mercy's caregiver who needed to be present in court and the visa appointment was going out of the country for a month and the holidays meant courts were closed.
Families who had filed for full adoption where having a difficult time, and the legal guardianship process was now moving smoothly. We filed for full adoption based on her medical needs.
We had no more money for traveling back and forth.
We were noticing some BIG behavior/attachment issues. More than we first realized. Stuff that we were unsure we could handle.

So while I sat alone in my room in Uganda counting down the days for my return flight home, I felt like a veil had been lifted from my eyes. I realized, maybe God is saying NO.

I came home from Uganda, alone without the little girl we had hoped for. Our family was able to rest and pray and make a very hard decision. I had many debates going through my head, the biggest one was how do we know what was God's will or our will? Was it really God's will for us to adopt Mercy, or was it our own? I had reached out to other adoptive friends to ask for prayer and advice. A few had arguments that it could never be God's will for Mercy to remain in Uganda and not get the help she needed. They said we should fight harder, that we would always regret the decision should we chose to give up. We would be letting satan win.

Surprisingly though, many people were supportive of us if we decided to let go. Some were friends who were professionals in the adoption field, and others were parents who have struggled with children suffering from RAD and other problems. We asked our pastors, church friends and others to pray for wisdom for us. We spent nearly a month in prayer and finally had to let people know what we felt God was telling us to do.

The toughest part of breaking the news was telling Mercy's caregiver. I typed the email and sent it, knowing it would break many hearts. So much time and effort was put into getting paperwork ready. Sharing the news with friends was difficult too. So many people had walked along side us on the journey, praying, helping financially and at home while I was away. I felt like I was a quitter, giving in.

A good friend sent me a note saying "Guilt is not from God." It made me feel so much better. And the many months of healing began. The guilty feelings melted away and things began to feel right again. I felt as if a weight had been lifted that had been there for over 12 months. I can remember the day I first felt that weight: the day they said "yes, you can adopt Mercy". It was exciting and scary. I wasn't sure how we would afford the expenses and travel, or how we would be able to leave the kids for at least a month. After reading the email with the news, I went to take my morning shower and cried out to the Lord, in fear, apprehension and anxiousness. I asked Him if he was really sure this is what we were supposed to do. I don't recall ever getting a confirmation from Him. And I think this is where we failed.

We moved on, pushed forward and went ahead. Mercy needed help and we were here wanting to provide it. We were excited to add to our family and we blindly went through the process. I felt like J's quick agreement to move forward with another adoption was a sure sign this was meant to be, since he was usually slower to agree to big things like this. But through the long wait process and the lengthy time in Uganda, I don't recall ever feeling like God had promised Mercy to us. I was uneasy the entire time. I wasn't sure if it was the right time to add to our family. I was not sure about the needs Mercy would have. But I felt like since things lined up just right for us to travel, funds were raised and donated, and we were so emotionally invested, we were surely doing the right thing.

So, after the decision was made, the email was sent to Uganda to Mercy's caregiver at the orphanage and to our attorney, after we cried and talked and prayed, after we broke news to friends, family and church, after explaining many times to our children why Mercy would not be coming home, and after so much time has gone by I still dream of Mercy and Uganda. I had a wonderful time getting to know some wonderful kids. I experienced a beautiful country and met some awesome friends. My husband and I had several weeks to spend together. I had a lot of time to study the bible and pray. God had a purpose for me going there, He refined me.

Thankfully, I no longer feel guilty. I no longer feel heartbroken. I feel peace. I feel God's plan was different than ours, that His plan is better than ours. I am excited to see what He has for us.

But I still. miss. Mercy. I don't think I ever felt like she was ours. She is God's, and I feel like she is right where He wants her to be.

If you want to read about the process and trips, click on Africa in the labels section of the sidebar.

The BIG day

2011-05-15T15:12:00.000-07:00

My idea of what this special day would be like was different that how it really turned out. I was hoping for sun and lots of friends, a big party to celebrate S. Our family friends did not come out, and the forecast was cold with 80% chance of rain. But I tried my hardest not to let that damper my joy. I felt like it was a wonderful day to honor a brave little guy.

My brother in law took time off work and drove three hours to come help, along with my mom. We had C. stay home from school. God is so good, because at the last minute, more P.D. family decided to come help! A few other officers came out on their day off with their families. We had many hands to help put together the play set. It took longer than we expected, about four hours.

Uncle Nick shows C. how to work the power tools.

K. at the entrance to her fort.

E. loved hanging out by the snack/drink table!

I spy...

S. and E. liked working with the tools a friend brought to share.

It started to pour rain, so my mom and I took the little kids inside and hung out while they played. We had pizza and pop, donated by a local pizza place. There was a cake too, but by the time everyone was finished, they were cold, wet and ready to get going so we had to eat it all! Make A Wish had a few surprises too. A new bike and helmet for S. (with a name plate), balloons, and tickets for our family to the nearby zoo.

We were all so tired and ready to get to bed early. The next day we had nicer weather and the kids were able to spend a long time trying out all the fun features and played HARD.

THANK YOU so much to all who were involved

in making S's wish come true.

He will enjoy this for many years. We feel so blessed!

Day one work party

2011-05-14T12:46:00.000-07:00

We had a big day last Tuesday getting things ready for the playground set up. Rock and wood chips needed to be loaded up and spread, and the wood frame to contain them needed to be put together. All these materials were donated and delivered by local companies and individuals.

J asked co-workers to come out on their day off to help. We were surprised by how many people came out! What a blessing to be part of a wonderful "family" and support system. The sun even came out for a while. Someone brought out a gadget (transit) to level the wood frame as it was built and make sure it was all straight. We were loaned a big sound system for music. Most people brought extra tools and wheelbarrows. Muffins, juice, water and granola bars were brought in by Make A Wish. Some people came out and stayed just a while, and some stayed until the project was finished. We are so happy by the way it turned out and thankful for the hard work everyone gave for S!

crushed limestone...hard work!

S. and Dad

S. would not take off his bike helmet

but we figured it was good protection with all the hazards around!

S. got lots of rides!

S. and his Make A Wish grantor (and Jackson the dog)

most of the work crew

For some reason the pictures we took were blurry on one side. Maybe the lens was dirty from little fingers. I hope others got some quality pics!

Site prep

2011-05-07T10:17:00.000-07:00

Yard BEFORE:

We woke up early to the sound of machinery in our yard!

Coast Construction came out to help finish the job for S's wish.

First they brought in several dump trucks of a sand/soil mix.

Then they used a backhoe to level out some of the dirt.

Next they laid out this road fabric to help keep down moisture and displace weight over the peat bog muck.

And with several trips moved the dirt closer to the site and eventually onto the fabric.

They spread and leveled it, making it look nearly perfect!

We met Skip who finished the job (there were two guys who traded shifts). He was great, going over the ruts left by the trucks and even sweeping the driveway. Coast Construction donated all of this for S. I was overwhelmed by the scope of the whole project, and they saw it through to the end. All their work ended up being worth about $2000. Two machines, fuel, 3-4 loads of dirt, road fabric, electrical repairs and 12 hours of labor. We couldn't thank them enough!

On Tuesday a group of J's coworkers and friends are coming to help set up a wooden barrier and bring the wheelbarrows full of wood chips in. Then on Wednesday more friends are coming to help set up the playground and create a limestone bike path around it. We would like it to be more of a celebration of S. than a chore. If you would like to come out, let me know!

PLEASE pray for no rain.

Rippin' Dirt

2011-05-05T19:57:00.000-07:00

25 yards of wood chips to go under and around the play structure was delivered today, all donated. The man who delivered has a grandson who received a trip from Make a Wish about eight years ago, from the same wish grantor as ours! What a small world.

Poor S. was scared of the HUGE truck.

Quite a big pile!

Yesterday we had the big CAT come out to the house.

S. was really uneasy and sometimes frightened by the big machine.

three big stumps were pulled up!

Long days

2011-05-04T17:08:00.000-07:00

I have been busy lately! I am always a bit busy but the last few weeks seem like a whirlwind.

We had a wonderful Easter. J led worship at church and we enjoyed a wonderful message. Then we went to our friends' house to have a yummy lunch and fun, chaos filled Easter egg hunt. We left there and drove to my parents house to visit and have dessert.

I have been cleaning and organizing the house to get ready for our home visit for our foster care license. It took me a LONG time. Partly because I procrastinated.

We did have the visit on Monday. It went well we think. The licensor will write up the report by the 11th. There is a 90 day deadline by state law to have paperwork completed starting the day we applied. I can't believe it's already been that long! After the office looks over the report we could have our license a week or two later. Wow.

I also got a job on Monday. A friend of a friend needed childcare for her son for two to three days a week. I am on day two of caring for him and so far so good! He is a cute little guy and fits in well with everyone.

Make a Wish volunteers came out this morning to do some site prep. Coast Construction volunteered to come out and pull stumps and level the ground. We ran into some issues...muddy, poor soil and cut electrical lines (yes we did try to locate them first but were misinformed). Thankfully the owner of Coast was a gracious and helpful man and had some good ideas. He brought in some heavy duty road fabric to lay over the muck. Then called in a load of sand to put over the fabric in the low areas. This will be delivered Friday or Saturday. We will have a bunch of wood chips delivered to put over that and then the playground. It is quite a process. J had to come home from work to help with the power line situation and stopped by the hardware store to get supplies to splice the wires. The Coast guy spliced and repaired the cut lines like a pro. He gave up so much time, resources and energy for us and S. Really made me feel good that he did such a great job.

God provides, right?

2011-04-28T20:17:00.002-07:00

Lately we have had a rough time with things needing our attention. Appliances, cars, bills, household repairs, etc, etc. It seems like it is all piling up, and we don't have the extra cash to fix or attend to them all. My mama told me not to talk about financial hardships on the internet. But I bet there are a LOT of people having financial issues right now! And I bet those people are not judging me because we struggle like MANY, right? Lets face it, we are a one income family with five children.

Right now I can think of nine big household issues that keep me awake at night. Really it shouldn't, people can live without these things and do fine. I am reminded of this book I checked out from the library once. Talk about eye opening!

But boy would my life be easier if we had a working dryer and dishwasher.

I keep praying for God to provide for us and bless us with the means to replace or repair some of these nagging things. But I am not sure if He will. Honestly, I wonder if I really have enough faith that He will. I somehow feel like these are things I should be able to control or help myself. I also wonder if maybe He is trying to teach us something by going without. However, Matthew 6:25-27 says:

Do Not Worry

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?

But these things we think are needs are really not in the big picture of life.

I am not sure where I am going with this and need to stop rambling and get some things done before bed. Thoughts are welcome!

Sigh

2011-04-21T20:09:00.000-07:00

Busy getting ready for an impromptu garage sale. I don't enjoy it, but we really need the extra cash to pay some nagging medical bills. Plus it will be a huge plus to have less clutter around! Hoping it's successful and sunny tomorrow and Saturday.

The Make a Wish project has become a HUGE stressor for me. I know it is not supposed to be. I think because it involves our property, some big prep work projects going on before the big day, and finding friends to help, it's been difficult. I am getting very discouraged trying to find volunteers to help for the day of May 11. It should be a lot of fun. I hope it is kind of like a big party with lots of friends, food and celebration of a wonderful kid.

Spring has yet to find it's way to our area. It was actually snowing the other day! I know I am super tired of rain, cold and muck.

Baseball has been fun for L. And J. has been putting in a lot of time helping coach when he is able. And soccer for E. was quite entertaining last night. He was more concerned about his (girl)friend A.J. than listening to the college students running the practice! Too funny.

Confirmed

2011-04-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

We got a confirmed date for the playground! May 11 it is. If you are local and would like to help, volunteers are needed.

Not Much

2011-04-16T11:19:00.000-07:00

Some little updates, but nothing much is going on here. I feel like there is a lot of stuff just hanging, waiting...hoping and praying.

The Make A Wish project is slowly coming together. People are trying to make it happen May 11th. S. is ready!
Our home visit for foster care is scheduled for May 2. There are just a few things we need to do to get ready. We recently ripped apart our old deck, and rebuilt a platform/steps to the ground. We need rails put up before then. And I need to find a one way CPR mask. Our house is most of the time cluttered and/or dirty thanks to five kids, so that is a never ending project.
L. has his first Pony League baseball game today, actually a double header. He is catcher for his team, first time. Pray for safety!
I am signing E. up for soccer. It starts next week. That should be interesting!

S.'s cranium

2011-04-11T22:15:00.000-07:00

S. had a big day at the children's hospital last week. I was all set to go, and when I woke up at 4:30 am, it was pouring rain. I was exhausted. I was dreading the two hour drive and long appointments. My sweet husband stepped in and volunteered to go instead. I was a bit nervous about having him go, just because I have always been the one there. I didn't want to be left out of the discussions or plans for S! But it was all ok. S. did great with the anesthesia. He slept a long time after the MRI, but was not fussy when waking.

The craniofacial team (two surgeons) saw S. and were running on time! The plastic surgeon came in first, and answered some questions and concerns we had about S. He will wait until next year to do the big reconstructive surgery on S's eye sockets and nose. This will also include a bone graft. Ouch.

Next the neurosurgeon came in, who said S's brain looks great. His shunt is working well, and his chiari has not changed. We are supposed to continue looking for symptoms from the chiari malformation. He will be present at the big surgery since it will be involving brain tissue.

There was some concern about S's eye. One doesn't drain due to his deformity and there is always eye crust and tears running down his checks. (even when he hasn't been crying) They are referring him to ophthalmology to do some tests and see if there is anything they can do to help.

Epcot

2011-04-11T20:12:00.000-07:00

Garden Show Characters

CHINA

Contest

2011-04-06T12:39:00.000-07:00

I just entered the ECOMOM contest to win a healthy home makeover. If you enter and mention my blog, www.berriesnhoney.blogspot.com, then you will enter me to win a $1000 drawing. Please help me out, and enter yourself to win too! You can vote for me to win here.

spaceman

2011-04-04T12:31:00.000-07:00

S. in radiology

2011-04-04T09:13:00.000-07:00

Please pray for S. right now. He is under anesthesia getting his MRI. J. took him to his appointments instead of me, so I am enjoying being home getting caught up on things.

Magic Kingdom

2011-04-03T20:48:00.000-07:00

When I arrived in Orlando on Monday afternoon, it was pouring rain. I was disappointed and hoped it would stop before we hit the parks. On Tuesday, we started the day somewhat early and it was overcast but not raining. It turned out to be a beautiful day! We went on all the rides we planned for, skipping the little kid stuff. I loved Space Mountain the most. We went to dinner at Portobello in Downtown Disney and returned to the park for the fireworks (I actually got teary eyed!) and another ride on Space Mountain (over an hour wait, the wait time was deceiving). I wished there was more hours in the day, but was glad to get into that lumpy hide a bed by the time we got to the condo!

Happiness

2011-03-27T19:18:00.000-07:00

is:

checking in to my flight for a four and a half day vacation
good behavior in church today by ALL children
chocolate-peanut butter ice cream
Oh Brother Where Are Thou? soundtrack

Lemonade

2011-03-26T09:30:00.000-07:00

An example of how attachment disabled kids can come between parents:

Mom, Dad and three children go out to lunch at a new burger joint.

Dad orders food while Mom and three children sit at a table. Troubled child gets all bent out of shape about the seat he chose to sit in and wants to move. Mom tells him to stay there and he pouts.

Pouting stops after food is in front of him. But not for long. He is upset because Mom does not allow him to drink 20 oz of lemonade in two minutes. Upset because we bought him a grilled cheese sandwich. Upset that Mom does not allow him to dip every inch of french fry AND his hand in ketchup. Doesn't like the way his sandwich tastes, etc. etc.

Mom is irritated because they had just spent over $40 on lunch and troubled child is trying to ruin the outing. Dad is irritated and yells at Mom to "just let him eat, why are you letting him bother you so much?"

Dad leaves table for a few minutes. Everyone is nearly finished eating. Troubled child has a few sips of lemonade left in that 20 oz cup that is now in front of Mom. Mom asks troubled child if he would like the rest of the lemonade. Troubled child glares at Mom and does not answer. Mom asks again. No reply. Mom looks away for a few seconds. Troubled child quickly grabs lemonade from in front of Mom, hides it under other arm and starts to drink the rest.

Oldest son notices the strange behavior and alerts Mom. Mom asks troubled child if he wanted more, why didn't he just say yes? Three sips of lemonade is thrown away. Troubled child cries and makes a scene in burger joint. Mom tries to talk with troubled child but his "crying" gets louder and more noticed by the crowd. Dad comes back to the table and asked what happened. Dad is debriefed. Dad tells troubled child to stop crying and to get his coat on. More wailing while coat is being put on by Dad.

Mom, Dad and three children get in the car. Troubled child "cries" but more like excretes saliva, snot and tears all over himself while making goat like noises. Mom is more than annoyed. Dad again asks Mom why everyone is so upset. Mom explained again. Dad is irritated that Mom is so agitated. Mom asked oldest son to back her up. He does. Everyone is irritated by troubled child. Dad tells Mom to just ignore troubled child and stop talking to him. Mom is irritated that Dad seems irritated at Mom. Mom feels at fault for entire issue, but also just plain angry. Surprisingly, active three year old preschooler got through entire outing without one single issue (besides not wanting to eat sandwich either).

Migraines and such

2011-03-26T08:47:00.000-07:00

My C. has been having migraines this week. Every day for nearly seven days. Yesterday and today she has been feeling a bit better, so that is hopeful. It concerns me because it came out of no where. She has never had issues with headaches before now. She goes to the doctor on Monday to discuss this and her ADD medication. She needs to have gained weight since her last check up three months ago.

L is on his way with dad to Grandma's house. They will be leaving tomorrow morning for Florida. I am not far behind them! He is so excited.

We are preparing the back yard for the playground to be set up. We figured out we will need to move our fire pit which will be a bit of work, but it's the only place in the yard where the big set will fit. We also pulled out our ugly rotten deck. It was such a hazard and I couldn't wait to pull it down. Now J. will be working on rebuilding some stairs down from the house. When we have some more money we can build a nice replacement deck or patio. The playground has been ordered and we are thinking it will be put in early May. We will have some volunteers (anyone?) to come out to help set it up and do some celebrating too!

E. and S. had a school conference the other day. Teacher G had a lot of good things to say but also noted some of the areas that concern us too. E. will be trying Kindergarten in the fall. He will enter with an IEP and he may have to go two years in a row if we feel it's best. S. is doing pretty well, with learning classroom rules and routines. He bit a little boy a few weeks ago and we discussed that. He were also told he has a willful side and gives the teachers the stink eye often!

Count down!

2011-03-20T20:38:00.001-07:00

I am going away for a few days soon. I can't wait. For a birthday gift, my oldest is going with Grandma, Aunt A and I to Orlando on vacation. My mom likes to travel and loves company. She started taking grandkids on Disney trips when L. was 5. Since the youngest boys are still a bit too young to travel, L. is next in line. And Disney World seemed like a fun place to go, somewhere new! Aunt A and I are tagging along, just cause we don't want to miss out.

L. and Grandma will be gone a full week, and I will only be away for five days. I think it will be a perfect little getaway.

Every day L. is announcing to the family how many days left until his trip. He is so excited to go see the Harry Potter stuff at Universal.

We are also going to Discovery Cove. So exciting.

It's approved!

2011-03-17T21:12:00.001-07:00

S's Make A Wish for a playground was approved by his pediatrician. So now we are trying to work on getting a local contractor out to look at the yard and see what needs to be done. I really want to give you a peek of the set S. selected. But that would ruin the final reveal.

Here is the backyard before (taken from our roof):

When we told S. he was going to be getting his playground, he said "Me want a BIG playground!" I think he is going to be one active little guy this summer!

Yuk

2011-03-17T19:21:00.000-07:00

Wanted to pass this on from the Washington Poison Center:
During the month of March, in celebration of Poison Prevention Week, we are offering free Mr. Yuk Stickers to educators and organizations in Washington State.

Quantities are limited. Please download our order form here and fax or mail it back to us.

This offer is made possible by a generous donation from our good friends at Bartell Drugs!

What's been going on?

2011-03-15T10:21:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since my last post. My computer crashed. Yes, our two year old imac decided to stop working. We tried all the tricks and needed to take it in to the shop. They discovered the cooling fan stopped working, therefore frying our hard drive. We stupidly had not backed all our files up in a long time. Since we have dial up it's next to impossible to upload to a remote system. So we lost pictures, files, adoption paperwork, tax info, etc. etc. After $250 we were able to get a new fan and hard drive installed. But they were not able to recover our data. I am still sad. I am thankful that I have this blog, we have pictures on here at least!

Make a Wish came out to our house last week. The two volunteers visited and talked with S. and our family. They asked all sorts of questions to get to know him like what his favorite movie is, favorite foods, favorite color, etc. They brought him some gifts too, animal cookies, a John Deere t-shirt and hat, and two new tractor toys. Tractors are S's favorite. He was so excited. For his big wish: a playground. The next step is to wait for doctor approval, to be sure he does not have any medical restrictions. Waiting for the doctor seems like it's taking forever! In the meantime, we were able to pick out a playground from Rainbow Play Systems, and once we get the go ahead from Dr, then the planning begins.

Cookies, pink (as S's request)

S. and his new J.D. stuff

Volunteers for MAW

I finished the CPR/First Aid/BBP training for DSHS. The two oldest kids came too. It was great to get this out of the way, but I found it very informative too. The protocol for CPR has changed, and it's been years since I was trained. I mailed in the last of our paperwork, proof of our pets' vaccinations and J. and my training certificates yesterday. We should be close to a home visit. We also purchased and set up a new crib and fireplace barrier this week. We are nearly ready!

C. got a big part in the musical Annie Jr. at school! She is playing Ms.Hannigan. She is excited, it was her second choice (guess what the first one was?). She practices every friday after school and the play is in June. I can't wait to see her perform.

it's hard

2011-03-09T12:54:00.000-08:00

Our two year homecoming anniversary is coming up for E. in just a few days. When I look back at how much he has grown and changed I am so amazed. However, I'm coming to a realization that loving E seems to come easy for everyone except us. Outside of home he is happy, friendly, smiley and funny. His teachers at preschool don't seem to have any discipline problems. He has made a few friends at school. Extended family and friends tend to not see any problems. At home it's another story most of the time. I am praying that this is just a season in his life.

He does ok on days when dad is home. He also does better when the house is full of siblings. But when most are at school and E. is home in the mornings with more attention from me (school is at 12 for him), he doesn't know what to do with himself. He wanders around the house. He whines about everything. I offer to read with him, play with play dough, anything. The only thing that makes him happy is to watch a video, (which I try to keep to a minimum) or eat constantly.

Church has been an issue too, since he knows when to push my buttons. I swear this is what he is thinking:

Mom has been busy and tired all week. This is her one chance to get filled. Dad is up there on the stage leading worship, so he can't do anything. I'm gonna make her life h*ll.

So he does everything in his power to try to do just that. I thought I had found a great way to overcome this issue, a few weeks ago I told him if he is a good boy (with specific expectations) then he can have a piece of rainbow birthday cake afterward. He was an ANGEL. Last Sunday however, this did not work. Maybe he's clueing in. I told him his reward for good behavior was cookies since church was having a mission lunch. Ten minutes in he was uncooperative and disruptive. I had to leave the sanctuary. E. refused to go to his Sunday School class. I finally got him situated but later heard reports of him having a difficult time. During lunch I passed the cookie plate around and skipped over E. He gave me the glare of death.

His siblings pick on him, because it seems like he is always complaining about anything and everything. He most often spoils family time. He is always lurking, staring, hanging around. When I was making lunch for C. this morning it was like he was drooling over the food. So I put a handful of almonds at his place at the table and smiled warmly at him. He frowned at me and said, "I'm not gonna eat that."

During playtime he spins around the room, tripping over toys, furniture or people. He wiggles and wobbles through space with his hands and arms flinging around. He does strange things like walking around with dirty socks on his head and when asked why he responds, "Decause it's funny! (insert fake giggle) He can't regulate himself and spirals out of control when he does start to enjoy playtime. A good time playing hide and seek turns into someone getting hurt because he's running around the house yelling and giggling uncontrollably.

This morning was no different. E wandered around the house. I suggested he play in his room. He cried and whined. He got a stuffed animal, took it by the arm and swung it over his head while spinning in circles. I asked him not to do that since this specific animal was losing it's stitching. He got a truck, and pushed it on the floor, with all of his weight on the toy. It's one of the surviving cars we own like this since the others' wheels had collapsed from the weight. I checked on him after a few minutes. He sat there, listening to the car squeak and groan under pressure. He looked up at me and said, "Look mom, I'm playing!"

The long awaited lunch came (he lives to eat), and he took forever eating the sandwich his brother made him. It was a different type of bread, with nuts in it. (my ploy to keep myself from eating bread, since I am allergic to nuts!) He took a REALLY long time eating it, after picking apart the filling and slice of bread. He complained and gagged.

A lot of these behaviors may seem like they are typical for a 4/5 year old. Or that they are really nothing to make a deal about. But trust me, after watching him try to fit in, cope with daily life, and try to annoy or sabotage relationships or situations nearly all the time, we've started to realize this is not normal.

Then today, we had a few minutes to spare before the bus came. I called E to me to snuggle him before he left. He frowned and whined, "why do I have to do this???". I tried my best to love him and explained that giving and getting hugs makes you feel nice. "Doesn't this feel nice?" No response. Then I said, "E, I love you." No response. I asked, "Do you love me?" With more whines, he told me no. I asked if he liked me... no. I told him that it hurt my feelings and made me sad that he said he doesn't like or love me. He asked why. Then hid a smile.

getting ready

2011-03-02T09:31:00.000-08:00

Last week we were busy during J's days off getting things taken care of. A lot of the items on the list were things we needed to do anyway, like get the pets vaccinations current and gather immunization records for the kids. We also should have bought a wood stove barrier/gate a long time ago, when S was a baby. We had a makeshift screen set up around it as a visual barrier but it is easily knocked over or moved.

We turned in the water sample, got the vaccinations for pets and kids taken care of, ordered a crib and fireplace barrier online, and found a great deal on clothes at a local thrift store ($5 a bag). I think all the needed paperwork is turned in, they just need to receive our fingerprint clearances.

We still need to:

Pick up and set up crib
Pick up and set up fireplace barrier
Buy a 5 lb fire extinguisher (2A10BC-rated ABC)
Take the CPR/First Aid class

After the licensor receives all this she will set up the home visit.

Adoption does not make me look glamorous

2011-02-28T14:40:00.000-08:00

I have written a post about adoption and how it seems some couples adopt to gain a "brown baby accessory". Today, I write to explain how my life has changed since going from three kids to five; and becoming an inter-racial family with special needs kids. It has not transformed me into the glamorous A. Jolie. But... I would say I am a better woman because of it.

BEFORE: I used to buy gymboree, carters, gap and old navy. New, in the box, never opened.

TODAY: I buy resale, thrift store and garage sale clothing. The kids sport hand me downs. I don't think they look much different though, since I have scored some great finds and brand names on the bargain shopping trips. And we have been blessed with some great hand me downs too!

BEFORE: We would go out together as a family and people would smile and comment about our beautiful family, or our well behaved children.

TODAY: We go out and people say "Are all these kids yours? You sure have your hands full!"

Or they just stare.

BEFORE: We would enjoy going on fun outings like the movie theater or the science museum.

TODAY: We stay around home a lot more or split up the family. It's just a lot of chaos and work to chase around the young ones and some of us have very short attention spans.

BEFORE: I would go get my hair cut and colored at a professional salon every six weeks or so.

TODAY: It's been over a year since I colored my hair and six months since my last hair cut (which is a long time for someone with a short style!) I also cut J's hair and the kids. I recently botched C's haircut and she was treated to a salon cut, so much better!

BEFORE: We would all go to church and everyone was well behaved and quiet.

TODAY: I miss most of worship having to sit in the hallway with a loud, wiggly, or disobedient child.

BEFORE: I did not like confrontation.

TODAY: I have learned to speak up for myself and my children. Their rights are important to me, no matter what.

BEFORE: The house was somewhat peaceful and calm, most of the time.

TODAY: There is never a dull moment and it's only quiet on a rare occasion.

BEFORE: The kids had more room in the mini-van.

TODAY: The van is full, and if a family trip to Costco, Walmart or hardware store is planned, we have to consider every purchase, just to be sure it can make it home!

BEFORE: I would let little things annoy me.

TODAY: I let the little things go. I try to think "Is this really worth the effort to make a deal over this?" Sometimes they still annoy me. I pray more. I bite my tongue. I count to ten A LOT.

BEFORE: I had a social life.

TODAY: We rarely get invited to dinner. Our first dinner invitation in many months resulted in:

one broken window curtain rod, a spilled root beer, and a p*op accident on the bedroom carpet. We will see if we get invited over again!

BEFORE: I knew nothing of how the special education system worked. I didn't know how to care for many special needs.

TODAY: I know a lot, and am learning more everyday.

BEFORE: We could go grocery shopping and spend $100 on four days of groceries.

TODAY: We go grocery shopping and spend just under $200 on four days of groceries.

BEFORE: It bothered me to have people stare or make comments, especially regarding my sons' ethnicity.

TODAY: I find humor in little things. During our dinner out, S. was referred to by our friend's son as "that black kid who p*oped in my bedroom".

I found it endearing!

BEFORE: Our house was clean, with no stains on the carpet or couch, and it smelled nice. I had time to cook and bake. We had time to play more, read more, and work on projects.

TODAY: Our house is not clean, there are stains on the carpet and couch, and it smells a bit off. (with a scented candle burning to mask the odor!) I don't bake, and the meals I cook are simpler. I don't find as much time to play, read and work on projects, although I have a lot of desire and ambition to do so.

BEFORE: I had a self centered, "it's all about me" lifestyle and mindset.

TODAY: I rarely have time to even think about myself. I live for others, God and my family. And I am happier because of it.

Make A Wish

2011-02-28T13:09:00.000-08:00

We got some good news today. Our S. is qualified to receive a Make A Wish! It took quite a while and a lot of advocating for him, but it is starting to come together. Our doctor was able to speak with the MAW chapter person, and she explained to the doctor what criteria does qualify. It was decided that having the VP shunt does qualify him for a wish.

If there is any question if having a shunt is considered a having life-threatening condition, read this:

Hydrocephalus is almost always treated successfully with surgical placement of a shunt or an ETV; but rarely does either treatment last a lifetime without complications. A critical aspect of managing hydrocephalus is being well informed and staying vigilant about potential life-threatening complications. Most problems associated with shunting or ETV occur weeks or even years after the surgery. When things are going well, it is easy to forget about hydrocephalus and having a shunt or an ETV. We encourage you to stay alert and informed.

Knowing what symptoms to watch for will help you become more at ease. Although the early symptoms of shunt malfunction or infection in children—fever, vomiting and irritability—are similar to many childhood illnesses, you will learn to determine the symptoms associated with shunt failure in a particular individual. Adults tend to exhibit the symptoms they experienced before treatment when there is a problem. If you have any doubt about symptoms, don’t hesitate to contact a doctor. If you suspect there is a problem with the shunt, you are wise to have it checked by the neurosurgeon rather than ignore it. It is better to have a false alarm checked than to leave it unattended. Remember, although shunt complications can be very serious and become life threatening, they can be treated successfully when they are discovered early.

An estimated 50% of shunts fail within two years and 20-50% of ETVs close up within five years. Either treatment can fail at any time. Infections are less common, but still not infrequent. Be informed and vigilant. Be prepared to act quickly. Mere hours can mean the difference between a resolvable complication and brain damage or even death, especially in children.

I am so thankful for the time Make A Wish took to work on behalf of S. They didn't just dismiss him at the first stage of the application. They really cared and made many phone calls to get things sorted out.

Now we will have S's paperwork sent to two local MAW volunteers who will be meeting with our family and S. They will talk with him and try to see what his most heartfelt wish is. This will be complicated, since the whole concept is not really understood by a 3 year old. Once we asked him if he could have anything in the whole world, what would it be? He said, "a cookie!"

S. update

2011-02-23T11:37:00.000-08:00

S. in Jan. 2011

S. at the hospital in April 2008

We are preparing for S.'s yearly MRI and craniofacial clinic at the nearby children's hospital. During that time, we will discover how well his VP shunt is working, see how large his Chiari is, and come up with a plan for facial/neurological surgery. S. was born with an opening in his skull, between his eyes above his nose. When he came to our care, he was receiving medical services from a doctor in CA. Now that he is adopted by us and on our insurance, he is seen by a team of doctors in WA. And apparently doctors and surgeons do things differently all the time in rare cases like S'. And if you ask them, they will tell you that their way is the RIGHT way.

S. had a "patch job" in his opening. The neurosurgeon used some form of medical cement and pushed it into the hole to close things up. This left S. will a strange looking scar, but much better than the large bump full of CSF fluid that was there before. The team here want to redo things. They want to remove this patch, do a bone graft from S's hip bone, and reconstruct his face. We feel this is for the best, but are nervous about it at the same time.

Now, we have decided to refer S. to Make A Wish. I contacted our local chapter, found out what conditions qualified, and sent the local contact person S's doctor's info. We waited and waited to hear back. I bugged a little. Waited more. Then asked if MAW would contact our pediatrician instead, thinking he'd be less busy. We finally heard back that our doctor wrote he DID NOT QUALIFY. Huh? I called their office to find out why. A day later his nurse called with their explanation. Basically, they don't really understand MAW's definitions for eligibility. I argued a bit about why S. should qualify, but felt it might be better to wait to hear back from the children's hospital. They have all his information and have dealt with MAW quite a bit. I contacted the social worker who sees us every visit and found out that we must have given MAW the wrong fax number. The local chapter and hospital are now communicating so it's another wait to see what happens. S's wish, by the way, is a safe play ground to play on. I really hope he gets his wish. He's been through a lot in his short little life. And will be enduring much more in the near future.

Big things coming

2011-02-17T10:52:00.001-08:00

We have been slowly healing and getting some closure with the failed adoption of Mercy. We all truly believe what happened was for the best. We still have sadness in our hearts for her sake, but are thankful she is in a loving and happy home in her own country.

During this time of prayer, reflecting and contemplating, both J. and I have decided we would like to become foster parents. We have hosted children from Haiti in our home before. It was such a blessing to the entire family. We feel like fostering through the state will be quite similar to that experience, yet with more support.

I started the training classes. Although I have taken them several years ago, I needed to retake them. Also, when I took the classes it was solely for the purpose of adoption. After the classes were over, we decided to adopt from Haiti instead. Now, our intent is fostering, not adoption. I am taking a lot of information home and finding it very interesting and helpful. I have learned a lot of tools that pertain to parenting our adopted and bio kids too.

Through experience we have learned that keeping the kids in birth order works best for us, so we put on our application that we want to care for a child birth to age 3. Infants would be ideal, since a child under one can sleep in our room which is quite large.

We are in the process of getting our home ready. When S. started outgrowing his baby things, we sold most of them at a fundraiser garage sale. Now we are starting again from the ground up. We need a crib, bedding, clothes, car seat. We do have our house somewhat childproofed, but we need to get a few more things for our license; a larger fire extinguisher, a few more outlet covers and locks, and a wood stove barrier/fence.

Since J. is CPR/1st aid/BBP certified through work, I am the only one who needs to retake these classes. It's only one day and the state covers all fees for all who take it, even older siblings! So I signed up with L. and C. too, in March.

We need to get our children and pets' vaccination records, our well water tested and our wood-stove cleaned and examined. We also need to fill out a bunch more paperwork.

We are excited and busy getting things ready. Once the application is filed, we have 90 days to complete everything. The pressure is on!

Beautiful

2011-02-14T15:02:00.000-08:00

C. and her cousin last summer

I am challenging K. to do more memory work during homeschool. I found this poem in the Children's Book of Virtues that I really like:

Beautiful faces are they that wear

The light of a pleasant spirit there;

Beautiful hands are they that do

Deeds that are noble, good and true;

Beautiful feet are they that go

Swiftly to lighten another's woe.

Dreams...

2011-02-10T00:31:00.000-08:00

I have had a lot of dreams lately. I have not been sleeping well for a while now. I grind my teeth at night. I had a night guard but the dog got ahold of it the one time I forgot to put it away in the case. So until I get around to making a new one, I do without. And my body pays for it!

I have a recurring dream about pregnancy. I am not sure why. I am not able to have more biological children. Five abdominal surgeries has left me with a lot of scar tissue and I had decided to have a tubal ligation after K. was born.

My good friend recently had a baby, so I am wondering if this is why I am dreaming. Who knows. For fun, I looked up pregnancy in this dream dictionary.

By the way, if you ever dream about porta potties, this is what it could mean:

Porta Potty

To see or use a porta potty in your dream, indicates that you need to express your feelings more openly. Don't hold back your emotions. You need to let yourself go.

Here's what is said about pregnancy:

Pregnant

To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. Being pregnant in your dream may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal. Alternatively, if you are trying to get pregnant, then the dream may be a wish fulfillment. If you are not trying to get pregnant, but dream that you are, then it symbolizes fear of new responsibilities.

To dream that you are pregnant with the baby dying inside of you, suggests that a project you had put a lot of effort into is falling apart and slowly deteriorating. Nothing is working out the way you had anticipated.

If you are really pregnant and have this dream, then it represents your anxieties about the pregnancy. If you are in your first trimester of pregnancy, then your dreams tend to be about tiny creatures, fuzzy animals, flowers, fruit and water. In the second trimester, dreams will reflect anxieties about being a good mother and concerns about possible complications with the birth. Dreams of giving birth to a non-human baby are also common during this period of the pregnancy. Finally, in the third trimester, dreams consists of your own mother. As your body changes and grows, dreams of whales, elephants and dinosaurs and other larger animals may also start appearing at this stage of pregnancy.

So all these dreams has got me thinking. What could they mean, if anything?

Empathy for my pregnant (she has a beautiful little girl now) friend?

Desire to have another baby?

New directions, projects or exciting things happening soon? I hope so.

My baby

2011-02-05T15:15:00.000-08:00

My youngest daughter is turning eight. I can't believe how fast time flies.

K. is a wonderful little lady.

She is kind, compassionate, and loveable.

She makes friends easily and is very social.

She is a Daddy's girl and can't fall asleep without saying bedtime prayers with him.

She loves art, animals, playing outside or with friends.

She is petite and lovely,

brave and adventurous.

I am a little sad to see her grow.

But I love to see how she has grown.

Happy Birthday K!

Need help

2011-02-03T11:02:00.000-08:00

I have a friend who has been through some really hard things. She has lost a lot in her young life and now is struggling to get by as a single mother of two. Soon she will lose her apartment and will be homeless. She is receiving some help from the state, but the wait list for housing assistance is currently 3 years long. She has a few options and has a few months to figure out a solution to her problem, but I can see it is causing a lot of stress for her, which is understandable.

Our family is trying to think of ways to help. We have five acres AND a covered parking space for an RV or trailer. We thought she might be able to live in a trailer with her boys on our property temporarily and give her a chance to get back on her feet. BUT we don't have a trailer. And no one really has money to buy one.

If you know of someone selling an older nicer RV or trailer locally, will you let us know? Or if you have one you could lend or give (will be during the summer months), contact us? If you have space to rent for 3 people for under $300 a month contact me? Or if you want to give financially to my friend, let me know too. If you could pray about this situation I would appreciate it much.

"If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." 1 John 3:17-18

Special Needs Adoption

2011-02-03T08:23:00.001-08:00

We have two adopted children who have twenty months difference in age. One was placed in our home at 12 weeks old, has had several neuro-surgeries, has special needs and is considered "disabled". The other was referred to us at one year old and was brought home at 35 months of age. He was considered healthy and typically developing when he got home. Now can you guess which child is more challenging to care for?

What are considered special needs?

"Special needs" describes several categories: disabilities, race, age, sibling status, and at-risk.

Disabilities include mental, physical and emotional disabilities and disorders which can range from mild to severe. Behavioral problems are part of the emotional disabilities group.

Minority Race. Some agencies consider minority race alone to be a special need, especially when the child is male, and other agencies do not. This does not mean that being a member of a certain racial group or gender is a disability. It means that, at this time, we have not recruited enough families to adopt our waiting minority race children, and especially the boys. In all racial groups, males outnumber females, sometimes by as much as three to one.

Age. The age limit at which a child is considered to have special needs differs from one state to another and may differ according to the race of the child. In general, a child over age 5-8 years may be considered an older child.

"At-risk" children. An an "at-risk" child is one who, while currently healthy, is at risk of developing learning, emotional, behavioral or physical disabilities in the future. Babies exposed to drugs, abuse, neglect, and those with genetic pre-dispositions to mental illness and physical disabilities are called "at-risk."

Our son E. is by far our most challenging child to parent right now. Although S. was born with an opening in his skull, developed hydrocephalus, has a VP shunt and has had two brain surgeries; I would not really consider his daily care difficult. E. has been home for nearly two years now. He would not be considered a special needs child but it's becoming more apparent that his needs take up more of our time and energy than his little brother's.

We have seen how far E. has come in a short period of time, but we are also realizing that his past has effected who he is. We are wondering if he would benefit from therapy. We are looking into that and reading more about attachment. I found this checklist online and surprisingly we circled 18 from this list:

Circle the items if they are frequently or often true.

My child teases, hurts, or is cruel to other children.
My child can't keep friends for an age-appropriate length of time.
My child doesn't do as well in school as my child could do even with a little more effort.
My child pushes me away or becomes stiff when I try to hug, unless my child wants something from me, in which case my child can be affectionate and engaging.
My child argues for long periods of time, often about meaningless or silly things.
My child has a large need to control everything.
My child is hyper-vigilant.
My child acts amazingly innocent, or pretends that things aren't really bad or a problem when caught doing something
My child does dangerous things such as runs away, jumps out of windows, or other potentially harmful actions. My child seems oblivious to the fact that my child may be hurt.
My child deliberately breaks or ruins his things or other's things.
My child doesn't seem to feel age-appropriate guilt when my child does something wrong.
My child is impulsive. My child seems unable or unwilling to stop doing something my child wants to do.
My child teases, hurts, or is cruel to animals.
My child steals, or shows up with things that belong to others with unbelievable, unusual, or suspicious reasons for how my child got these things.
My child likes to sneak things without permission, even though my child could have had these things if my child had asked.
My child doesn't seem to learn from mistakes, consequences, or punishments (my child continues the behavior despite the consequences).
My child makes false reports of abuse or neglect. My child tries to get sympathy from others, or tries to get us in trouble, by telling others that I don't feed, or don't provide the basic necessities.
My child seems not to experience pain when hurt, refusing to let anyone provide comfort.
My child does not usually ask for things. My child demands things.
My child lies, often about obvious or ridiculous things, or when it would have been easier to tell the truth.
My child is quite bossy with other children and adults.
My child hoards, sneaks food, or has other unusual eating habits (eats paper, raw sugar, non-food items, package mixes, baker's chocolate, etc.)
My child often does not make eye contact when adults want to make eye contract with my child.
My child has extended temper tantrums.
My child chatters non-stop, asks repeated questions about things that make no sense, mutters, or is hard to understand when talking.
My child is accident-prone (gets hurt a lot), or complains a lot about every little ache and pain (needs constant attention).
My child acts cute or charming to get others to do what my child wants.
My child is overly friendly with strangers.
My child has set fires, or is preoccupied with fire.
My child prefers to watch violent cartoons and/or TV shows or horror movie (regardless of whether or not you allow your child to do this).
My child was abused/neglected during the first year of life, or had several changes of primary caretaker during the first several years of life.
My child was in an orphanage for more than the first year of life.
My child was adopted after the age of twelve months.

When we started the adoption process, we had to fill our paperwork explaining what kind of child we preferred. This was so difficult for us, to say "yes we are comfortable to adopt a child with hearing problems but no, not a child with CP"? We were scared of special needs at the time, so we just circled those issues that were correctable. After God placed several people in our lives and we began hosting several special kids with severe medical needs, we realized that caring for kids with special needs is a blessing, not a burden.

I hope that more people would be open to adopting special needs children. S. has been such a wonderful addition to our family. I can't imagine life without his sweet smile, his cheerful little personality and his spunky energy in our home. I also think adoptive families should be aware and educated. They should consider EVERY child who have experienced some sort of trauma (even at a young age) a special needs child. Even though the agency lists them as "healthy" or "normal", these kids have issues. They need special care and attention, some even more than children with medical needs.

Leftover salad

2011-01-30T17:56:00.000-08:00

Today I made a yummy salad for lunch:

3/4 head green cabbage

2 carrots, grated

2 leftover pork chops, chopped

1/2 can crushed pineapple

balsamic vinegar salad dressing sweetened a bit with agave nectar

Mix and serve.

The kids even liked it!

The tough side of adoption

2011-01-25T09:24:00.000-08:00

Look at that adorable child!!!

He is not perfect, he is human.

He's been through starvation, illness,

abandonment and early life in an orphanage.

No one talks about it openly. But you get a group of adoptive moms together and you hear it. Usually more than one mom has a story to tell. Stories that will scare anyone into thinking twice.

Tales of sexual abuse, violence, homicidal or suicidal tendencies.

RAD, ODD, PSTD, ADHD, FAS.

Lack of resources, counseling services and therapy programs.

DSHS, neighbors, police and church involved.

Respite, rehoming, disruption, hospitalization, residential treatment.

Many people do not like to discuss these ugly issues. Adoption is supposed to be about love, selflessness, sacrifice and obedience. But sometimes it can be so. dang. hard. It can cause severe depression, marriage complications, hurt to other children, stress and damage to material possessions.

I wonder how many families delve into adoption without first becoming educated? Yes, reading a few books is great, but really talked to people who have adopted and are open and honest? Or spoke to a professional or went through training? It seems like more and more I hear of families going through international adoption and bring a cute orphan home from a foreign country without counting the costs. I recently learned of a family who had adopted internationally and had never even heard of RAD before! Seriously. Adorable brown babies are not an accessory.

Yes, adoption has been wonderful and life changing for our family. It has been joyous. It has also been so difficult. I sometimes thing about what life would have been like for J., me and my three kids before adoption. Simpler, easier, less issues. Would I do it again? Yes. But it truly is not for everyone. And I do believe there are mis-matches. How does one choose a child that is right for their family when they are across the world? The information they get about that child is missing pieces, inaccurate or untruthful. Many kids' ages are even wrong simply for the ease of finding an adoptive family. Some adoptions are finalized before the adoptive parents even meet the child!

Please don't think I am writing to discourage adoptive families. I just want more people to get educated and keep learning through the process. I know for us, doing independent adoption, no one was there to be sure we were. We had to be self motivated and thankfully I met some wonderful people who pointed us in the right direction and helped form a small support group.

If you are in the position of going through some hard things with your kids, know that you are not alone. There are so many people walking that path with you, but remain silent. Don't be afraid to seek help. Talk to other adoptive parents and I bet you will find some support and love. We are all in this together.

Free

2011-01-24T00:03:00.001-08:00

I am liberated from facebook. I was going to wait until Tuesday to deactivate my account, but I decided to do it tonight. I feel great, like I have a newfound freedom and more time to do the things I want to do. By the way, facebook is kinda lame. They don't totally delete your account if you choose to deactivate it. When you want to return, all you need to do is log in and click a button to reactivate. So I need all my people out there to hold me accountable that I won't return anytime soon. Maybe down the road when my priorities are set straight and life is not so stressful.

My goals/activities for this week:

Clean the main living areas of the house, declutter along the way

Plan a menu and grocery shop

Read "The Connected Child"

Meet a friend for lunch on Wed.

Have a playdate on Thurs. morning

Visit a friend in the hospital, bring her family dinner

Go to C.'s orchestra concert on Wednesday

Figure out a plan for K.'s birthday (on Super Bowl Sunday this year)

Make a doctor appointment for myself

Eat less carbs

Exercise every day

Get to bed by 11 every night