Feeling let down again

I don't know what it is with me and hosting get togethers! I either pick really bad days to have them, am no fun to be around, or am generally unliked. I spent all week preparing my house for a fun dance party, invited over 50 people (mainly new derby folk), went shopping and even shampooed my carpets. Five people came, total. Most of the night it was 3. I had fun and enjoyed myself but was worried about the poor turnout all evening. We had more people RSVP, but a lot had to back out last minute. I ended up crying myself to sleep that night. I am trying so hard to meet new people and fit in, but it feels impossible. I am on vacation from work all week, but have been home feeling anti-social. Blah.

Merry Christmas!

I was woken up this morning by K rustling around the house trying to wake the rest of the family. Surprisingly, she hasn't succeeded, yet. That give me a few minutes to wish you all a Merry Christmas.

It's been the first year J has been off work in 13 years! We spent the day yesterday finishing last minute preparations and headed to my parents' house. My mom made lasagna and we ate, opened gifts and enjoyed the evening.

I feel very thankful. This year our family was adopted by three different community groups to help with gifts and food. I am a little proud, but i have to admit, it was a great help. With the fire expenses, we would not have been able to get much this year. The kids have many gifts to open and several boxes of food was delivered. Yesterday a friend stopped by with some gifts and gift cards from people from her work. She had been here helping with our fire work party, told them about our family and they wanted to help out this season. I am excited to use one to buy some new sewing material!

Tonight we are giving back...we are headed to our church to help serve a free dinner to the less fortunate. Turkey, ham and all the fixings!

I hear all the kids now so we will start our Christmas morning traditions. Have a wonderful day!

Preparing

I went to see my new naturopathic doctor to go over my blood work on Thursday morning. She told me that my thyroid medication dosage is working well, however my anti-thyroid antibodies were really really high. Which explains a bit why my medication needs to be adjusted way too often. I went expecting miraculous solutions to all
my problems: weight, allergies, depression, fatigue, sore muscles and joints. But basically I was told that I have an autoimmune disorder, which is near impossible to treat and there are not a lot of answers in the medical community. I spent the day feeling very sad and depressed. I wanted to hear that she had all the answers and during treatment I would lose weight and feel better. Now I will have to work even harder all on my own.
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anti-thyroid_autoantibodies

I am preparing for my elimination diet to happen soon after Christmas. If you have any good non dairy, wheat, citrus, soy, nut, sugar, caffeine, aspartame, preservative, egg free recipes, I would love to try them!

Happy 12/12/12

Today I am celebrating my small accomplishments in my pursuit of health and fitness. I have been keeping to my habits of no aspartame, more fiber, no alcohol, no caffeine and no sugary drinks. I am beginning to feel a little better and have a bit more energy. I know that once I completely cut out the other bad stuff in my diet (while hard at first) I will feel even better. On Jan 1 I will start my elimination diet for three weeks at least. I have been staying in my calorie range and exercising daily.

I get discouraged easily when I don't see immediate results or when I mess up on my eating plan. I need to remember to hold my head high and be happy with where I am right now.

We had our first team scrimmage last night during practice. I felt like I am improving! I got some good hits in, and I feel like I am starting to understand what is happening on the track better.

dark deep

I have not really stopped crying since 9 pm last night. I have been emotional all week but a small incident with L broke me. It hurts to be criticized by your kids when you are doing your best. That just sent me into a whirl of emotions and I can't get out of this funk. I feel like my whole world has been falling apart, and it never seems to stop. Yes, there are good days or times of days mixed in but ultimately I am frustrated and sad. I feel like a failure, like I don't fit in anywhere. On top of that I watched a movie called What To Expect When You're Expecting which triggered feelings about my miscarriage years ago and made me even sadder.

I question if I am doing anything right. I wonder if working part time was a good decision for the whole family. I think about the time I am away doing roller derby. I don't know why I can't ever find a balance. I am so frustrated about our fire damage, E's behavior, kids' grumpy attitudes, foster baby unknowns, Christmas stress, finances....

It's a big grump fest here, I need a hug and maybe a big ugly cry.

Healthy Habit #5

I have been meaning to write this earlier, but life has been unusually busy this week. Also, I have been avoiding this lifestyle change...I have given up a lot the last few days!

Are you ready for this? No more sugary drinks, like soda, sweetened tea, juice. It's water and unsweetened herbal tea for me. Ugh, this is so hard!

Healthy Habit #4

Cut out alcohol. It turns to sugar in my body, is full of empty calories, and that is no bueno. Plus wine and spirits can be expensive and we really need to spend way less on the grocery bill.

I had skating practice tonight and felt pretty good out there after implementing my few new healthy habits. I still am out of shape and need to come a long way with my skills, but I felt less exhausted and winded. Are you ready for Healthy Habit #5? it's a doozy! I'm not sure I want to put it in writing!