It's Been So Long!

After an on again, off again relationship with my blog, I have decided to keep going.  I don't know if anyone will ever read it, but it is a good way for me to keep a journal and write more often.  

Today is the first day of Winter Break for my kids.  The two youngest boys have colds, which my body is trying hard to fight.  I am still in my p.j.'s and haven't showered since Saturday.  I missed a Christmas party last night, stayed home with the sickest kid, watched movies and did laundry.  My girls are spending a few nights at my parent's house, and that provides a somewhat quiet house for me!  

I am not ready for Christmas.  I can't believe how quickly it snuck up on me, and every year I tell myself I need to save money ahead of time, or shop early.  This year I didn't listen (again) and we are waiting on a paycheck, so we are not spending much on gifts.  I am either making them, or buying inexpensive, small things for the kids.  The big gift for our whole family is going to be in January.  We are going to rent a cabin near the mountain and spend several days together playing in the snow, sitting by the fire or in the private hot tub.  

I am trying to direct the kids (and myself) to focus more on the true meaning of Christmas.  I keep reminding the kids that it is Jesus' birthday, not ours.  I want peace and love shared abundantly this season.  We are keeping it simple, and aside from the guilt trips I get on occasion by certain teens, I feel like it is going to be a good year. 

Paint

Sometimes, a fresh coat of paint does wonders for the soul. It covers up the dingy ugly surface and looks light and bright again.  I've been in recovery from depression and addictions for almost forty days now. I still struggle, but after doing some thinking about why I don't like coming out of hibernation from my room, I realized that I hate the living space in the rest of the house. I began painting a few days ago, starting in the dining room. I am choosing some bright, happy colors to paint the walls. 

Hope

Today I want to share about something I have been living (mostly secretly) with for a long time. Depression. It creeps over me like a dark grey cloud and through the slight transparencies I can see hope on some days. On the very dark days, I am hope-less. I feel guilt for these feelings of being useless, sad and dull. I don't really know why I feel this way, and it is so difficult to answer loved ones when they ask me why I am depressed. The only answer I can give is "I don't know".

For those who know me well, I have a futuristic strength (I learned this from the book "Strengths Finder" by Tom Rath). I'm a visionary; a dreamer. I look often to the future and the positive changes that will come. The weakness of this strength is that sometimes I don't take the time to live in this moment. I have so many hopes, dreams, goals and ambitions. They are all swimming chaotically inside my head. Many times I feel overwhelmed with all that I would like to do, but I don't find the time to start something. Daily life and distractions get in the way, but more often the dark cloud called Depression will haunt me and swallow my dreams with discouragement.

The cloud has been darkening over my days for a few years now. It has slowly, over the last ten years, become dense and thick and I can barely see through it. I live my days with regret, worthless feelings and intense anger. It's effected every aspect of my life; my family, friends, work and hobbies. 

There is however, hope to come. I thank God for this futuristic strength He has given me. The many things I want for my future can be reached. Hope through Him is far stronger than the dark cloud of Depression. While it feels like breaking through the low laying layers of grey is going to take months of work; the glimmer of light on the distant mountain is worth the climb.

Baptized

My 11 year old girly got baptized tonight! I am so proud of her and thankful for her love for her Savior. 

Studio Progress

I have been moving things into my new studio slowly. I don't think most of my furniture will fit, but I will make do. I have a couple tables, some crates as shelves, a cute antique mirrored vanity and a couple chairs. Not much room for anything else. I'm loving the way it's turning out!

New Art Studio

I have been renting a room for my art studio at a building about thirty minutes from my home for almost a year. I have loved having my own space to create without distractions and clutter in my house. However, there is always a guilty feeling when I am gone, and lots of time spent commuting. Plus the rent, although reasonable for the space, was still money I could be spending on other things for my business.

I decided to see if we could use an outbuilding as a studio, and J started getting to work on cleaning out a little 80 sq. ft. garden shed. I have been scouring Pinterest with ideas of what I want and he has been busy building. It's starting to get close to completion.

I am excited to decorate! I want a gypsy wagon/boho feel, so I have been shopping at thrift and antique stores to find items like scarves, pillows and storage options. I need to make the most out of this small space, so we put up peg board to store art supplies. I also found this little child's desk today that I fit in for $20!

First Day of School

It's finally arrived! We are the last district in the county to start school I think. This year L is a senior, C is a sophomore and we are homeschooling this year, K is a 5th grader, E is a 3rd grader and S is a 1st grader. The little boys asked for haircuts last night and I cut E's first. It turned out alright and S kept asking for his turn. His hair is so tight and curly, it kept getting caught in the clippers. So I basically buzzed it all off. It turned out pretty short and he was so upset. I feel horrible. He cried and cried and this morning at school he wouldn't take off his jacket or hood.