Hope

Today I want to share about something I have been living (mostly secretly) with for a long time. Depression. It creeps over me like a dark grey cloud and through the slight transparencies I can see hope on some days. On the very dark days, I am hope-less. I feel guilt for these feelings of being useless, sad and dull. I don't really know why I feel this way, and it is so difficult to answer loved ones when they ask me why I am depressed. The only answer I can give is "I don't know".

For those who know me well, I have a futuristic strength (I learned this from the book "Strengths Finder" by Tom Rath). I'm a visionary; a dreamer. I look often to the future and the positive changes that will come. The weakness of this strength is that sometimes I don't take the time to live in this moment. I have so many hopes, dreams, goals and ambitions. They are all swimming chaotically inside my head. Many times I feel overwhelmed with all that I would like to do, but I don't find the time to start something. Daily life and distractions get in the way, but more often the dark cloud called Depression will haunt me and swallow my dreams with discouragement.

The cloud has been darkening over my days for a few years now. It has slowly, over the last ten years, become dense and thick and I can barely see through it. I live my days with regret, worthless feelings and intense anger. It's effected every aspect of my life; my family, friends, work and hobbies. 

There is however, hope to come. I thank God for this futuristic strength He has given me. The many things I want for my future can be reached. Hope through Him is far stronger than the dark cloud of Depression. While it feels like breaking through the low laying layers of grey is going to take months of work; the glimmer of light on the distant mountain is worth the climb.

Self care: eye brow shaping

I took a few minutes to groom myself this morning. Look at the difference!

Sickness

No fun at all. We had planned a fabulous night away, got a room at a nearby hotel, sent all the kids off to various places, had take out Thai and went to a movie. But both of us have a terrible cold! We tried our hardest not to let it ruin our date night.

these boots

I found an awesome pair of Tony Lama

cowgirl boots at a nearby boutique.

They are vintage and have been well loved.

And look so darn cute with a brown skirt!

My space

Our "homestead" came complete with a full sized recording studio building behind our house. While it doesn't have plumbing (which would be sooo nice), it provides extra usable square footage for our family. We have done a lot of work to the interior of the building. There are four rooms in there to use as bedrooms, rec room and storage. I have decided to move out the items in the storage room to make my own art studio. J has been very supportive and even hunted down a beautiful easel for me. Here are some of the photos as we are putting together the room!

More to come!

self care step one...

Today I went to get a mani/pedi at a little nail salon with friends. It felt lovely to have someone treat my feet and hands and polish my nails with some pretty fall colors!

Also, my mom loaned me the book "The Dirty Life" by Kristin Kimball. I really need to start reading more and am excited to start this book tonight!!

SELF-CARE: An Assessment

I recently took an online quiz. No, not the "What Disney Character Are You?" quiz. A more serious, eye opening one. It addressed self-care needs for people in helping roles. Me.
"Being in a helping role involves attending to the needs of others and you are often exposed to negativity and suffering."

I took the quiz and can you believe it? the results (more than 15 very true responses to the 40 questions) meant that it is definitely time to take a close and careful look at self-care issues.

As I stated in my last post, I have been working on self discovery and de-cluttering. In response to the question "how can we make this household less stressful?" my husband answered, "we need to get rid of some kids". Not possible but for one.

The bottom line is this. I need to take better care of myself. Both of us do as parents. The problem is I feel guilty and selfish when I do. Tonight I read this:

"Being self- referential has nothing to do with selfishness or narcissism.

It ironically increases your effectiveness in helping others."

And I found this brilliant quote as well...
"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." -Friedrich Nietzsche