Hello again!

It's been a long time.  I decided to come back to blogging, give you an update on what's new, and journal my journey.

I am still playing roller derby.  I just finished my second season as a skater, and my husband is a referee for the same league.  Right now we are currently in Las Vegas for RollerCon 2014.  We got here early on Tuesday and it's been go, go, go ever since.  I am enjoying a quiet morning in the hotel room, since we were up so late last night.  I am learning a lot and having fun!  The kids are at home with Grandma, and they seem to be doing well.

I am working part-time at a pregnancy clinic.  It's been great, but I seem to be having a hard time juggling everything at once.  I also am working on my art business, White Rabbit Arts.  I have sold several paintings this year, and am setting up a booth to sell art and crafts on Aug. 2-3rd.  I have a lot to do the week I get home from Vegas!

The kids are doing ok.  L. will be a senior this year! I can't believe it.  C. is going to be a sophomore, K, a fifth grader, E. a third grader, and S. a first grader.  I hope life will get a little easier, now that three kids are all at the same school.  E. has been going to therapy/counseling for attachment.  We found a wonderful local woman who understands attachment issues, having been adopted and gone through it herself.  She is great!

Non jolly holiday

RAD sucks. E was officially diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder this fall. Holidays, fun events, and even weekends are hard and at times make me want to pull my hair out when he rages or pushes buttons. It's mainly directed to me. This morning he told me again that he hates living with me.
When I totally ignore him with no interaction or connection, he seems so much more calm and content. How can a mom not show affection or love to her son?
it breaks my heart.

I found a video that explains a bit more about RAD:
http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=Z_CiAjbsYek

Newsy

So many new chapters going on our family right now. Where to begin?

1. I am starting my own business and applied for a license (it came in the mail a few weeks ago). I named it White Rabbit Arts. I am still kind of developing a business plan, but here is where I am going with it currently: kids arts classes, crafts for young and old, fine art and mixed media, event planning and children's room decorating and organizing.
2. I have been teaching a dance class for preschoolers called "Lil' Crocodiles. It is being held at this awesome older building in town and I am able to trade cleaning it for class use. I am starting out with one weekly 45 minute class for kids ages 2-6. It has been lots of fun!
3. Bartering has been something both J and I have been really getting into. We have been going through the house, ridding rooms of clutter and unused items and gaining some nice, needed things. J and I have also traded some labor for delicious meals.
4. My newest bartering agreement...providing childcare last minute to a single dad who is a personal trainer. He is going to be training me for two months for me helping him this month caring for his two sweet kids.
5. We are waiting to hear some big news that may effect our family so be praying. Will write about it soon.
6. E has been going to therapy here at a local place. She has been wonderful and we had a bit of a breakthrough with him!! It was emotional and awesome to see him express some sort of feeling toward his background and birthmom (we have no clue who she is) and turn to ME for comfort.

Change in plans

We have decided to try a local therapist before driving the long distance to see the other one. I was referred to this local woman by our pediatrician, who I love, and spoke to her on the phone last week. She is newer in the area so many don't know of her. J and I went in to see her yesterday and she was great. She has adopted before and seems to have a good understanding on attachment issues as well as how we were describing E. to her. We will meet with her again and bring E. Once she meets him she can get an idea of what type of therapy would be the best...theraplay or writing a life story are a few things she does for younger kids.

We will keep the other therapist in mind if this doesn't work out...but I really hope it does. This will be way more simple and inexpensive!

soon...

Mark, the therapist I wrote about called me yesterday morning and we spoke for a bit about E. He did not recommend getting a neuropsych evaluation. I was told it can be a waste of time and money and can be damaging for the child if taken to the wrong person. He recommended coming in for an evaluation and going from there. He can recommend some good people if E. really needs one. He said many times these kids "act" like they have a learning disability and manipulate many when they are perfectly capable of getting better.

Mark has a few opening this summer since families are on vacation, so we are able to come in to see him on July 11. One thing I LOVE is that he doesn't see the child alone. He wants to see the whole family, since E. is part of a family and his behaviors effect everyone.

I mentioned to Mark that for the longest time I didn't think my son had RAD or attachment issues. He didn't fit in some of the descriptions I have seen. He is not violent to others, doesn't typically tease or bully, and doesn't have full out rages (anymore). The response I got from him on the phone seemed right on..."that's not good". Mark said these kids are becoming the victim and are internalizing their anger. Then they become passive aggressive. He said we want E. to be able to identify and express what he is feeling, work through it and then hopefully he won't continue acting out as much to everyone else.

I also spoke of E. continually asking for food or water whenever we are in public or around new people. He does it in a way of is implying I am neglecting to care for him. Yesterday he asked for lunch when we dropped his sister at her friends house, as soon as I opened the van doors and he saw Mrs. J standing there. It was nearly 2 o clock and she said, "Oh, you haven't had lunch yet? I thought you ate already!". I told her that he didn't, we had a late breakfast and a snack through, then left to run a few errands. How sneaky of him to make it seem like I am the bad guy! Or the other day when we went to the beach for a few hours and invited a couple J. works with. He would NOT stop asking for water and getting into other's things sneaking drinks. He had three drinks of water in 30 minutes. He was NOT thirsty, but wanted to let it be known to everyone that he loves water and was really thirsty. Not normal behavior for a typical kid, everyone else was playing on the beach, kicking the soccer ball, or playing with the dogs. E. just hovered and annoyed. Mark gave me a good tip, instead of answering him over and over, just say, "It seems like you need some mommy time, come sit right here by me." Then he will soon hopefully learn that his behavior is negatively effecting him and not me. The problem though, is that most of the time when he is acting this way, he is already nearby and pestering. He doesn't want to be anywhere else.

I am excited about our appointment and ask you pray that we will be able to get insurance approval for 100% coverage. At this point it will cover 70%, not too affordable right now.

The Checklist

Last night I slept horribly. I had dreams and nightmares about E. I felt like my brain would not shut off and all I could think about was how we need to start getting him help.

E. has his good days and bad days. I am fearful of summer with him out of school. He loves to hover around and annoy everyone present, rather than play like most five year olds. If we go anywhere or have anyone over, he spends the majority of time acting silly, cute, or just plain weird. There are occasions where he is sweet, happy and loving. But I sometimes wonder what is genuine and what is not. Last week in church he did great, was obedient, and even cuddled with me. But, guess what was at stake after church was over? Right, cake.

I spent part of last week doing some research about getting a neuropsychological evaluation for E. I was referred to a local woman who sounds lovely and I was so excited to call her. Unfortunately, she doesn't work with children younger than six. No one within an hour and a half drive from us does. I am wondering if we should wait until he is six. I have also heard rave reviews about a therapist a few hours away specializing in working with kids with attachment issues and trauma. I contacted him tonight by email to see how we can get help for E.

His group's website had a checklist on their site that caught my eye.

Circle the items if they are frequently or often true.

1. My child acts cute or charms others to get others to do what my child wants.
2. My child often does not make eye contact when adults want to make eye contract with my child.
3. My child is overly friendly with strangers.
4. My child pushes me away or becomes stiff when I try to hug, unless my child wants something from me.
5. My child argues for long periods of time, often about ridiculous things.
6. My child has a tremendous need to have control over everything, becoming very upset if things don't go my child's way.
7. My child acts amazingly innocent, or pretends that things aren't that bad when caught doing something wrong.
8. My child does very dangerous things, ignoring that my child may be hurt.
9. My child deliberately breaks or ruins things.
10. My child doesn't seem to feel age-appropriate guilt when my child does something wrong.
11. My child teases, hurts, or is cruel to other children.
12. My child seems unable to stop from doing things on impulse.
13. My child steals, or shows up with things that belong to others with unusual or suspicious reasons for how my child got these things.
14. My child demands things, instead of asking for them.
15. My child doesn't seem to learn from mistakes and misbehavior (no matter what the consequence, the child continues the behavior).
16. My child tries to get sympathy from others by telling them that I abuse, don't feed, or don't provide the basic life necessities.
17. My child "shakes off" pain when hurt, refusing to let anyone provide comfort.
18. My child likes to sneak things without permission, even though my child could have had these things if my child had asked.
19. My child lies, often about obvious or ridiculous things, or when it would have been easier to tell the truth.
20. My child is very bossy with other children and adults.
21. My child hoards or sneaks food, or has other unusual eating habits (eats paper, raw flour, package mixes, baker's chocolate, etc.
22. My child can't keep friends for more than a week.
23. My child throws temper tantrums that last for hours.
24. My child chatters non-stop, asks repeated questions about things that make no sense, mutters, or is hard to understand when talking.
25. My child is accident-prone (gets hurt a lot), or complains a lot about every little ache and pain (needs constant band aids).
26. My child teases, hurts, or is cruel to animals.
27. My child doesn't do as well in school as my child could with even a little more effort.
28. My child has set fires, or is preoccupied with fire.
29. My child prefers to watch violent cartoons and/or TV shows or horror movie (regardless of whether or not you allow your child to do this).
30. My child was abused/neglected during the first year of life, or had several changes of primary caretaker during the first several years of life.
31. My child was in an orphanage for more than the first year of life.
32. My child was adopted after the age of eighteen months.

If you find that more than a few items (more than five or so) have been circled, your child may be experiencing difficulties that require professional assistance. If, in addition to several items being marked, any of the last three items is check, your child may be experiencing attachment related problems.

Sadly, I circled 22 items on this list.

What's the big deal about TV, Movies, Computers and Video Games?

by Nancy Thomas

It really is a big deal! These children often have damaged and delayed development of the brain, due to early trauma, such as abuse, separation from the mother, not having their needs meet, and being left to cry for long periods, day after day. It is essential that they have the pieces in place necessary to give the brain optimum opportunity to heal.

• Time spent on these activities prevents the brain from healing
• Interrupts the normal thinking patterns
• Time spent out of reality
• Subtracts from time child spends doing healing activities
• Reinforces twisted thinking and behavior
• Eliminates relationship building activities
• Conditions viewer to tolerate more violence and more sexual behavior
• Increases expenses
• Deteriorates self-esteem

The seven to ten second scene changes that most movies and TV programs have, disrupt normal thinking patterns. In some programs, such as the Pokemon movie for children, the changes are actually at four-second intervals. For the brain to heal, the child must spend time thinking, feeling, touching, building, creating, designing, etc. Being in a "ozone state" completely out of touch with reality, for one hour is one less hour that the brain is moving forward in its progress.

The programs and games, themselves, have highly destructive elements to moral character building. These children who know right from wrong often and intentionally choose wrong repeatedly. The theme of many TV shows and movies conditions viewers to tolerate higher levels of violence, sexual behavior and disrespect. Even the commercials often depict parents as ignorant and the child having to tell them what the proper kind of breakfast food should be.

Children with emotional problems that have trust issues with adults often see the adults as inept, powerless and clueless; reinforcing these concepts is counterproductive.

The fourteen hours a day that we are given to help each child, must not be squandered. I see each minute, as a priceless opportunity. To waste them on destructive activities is unconscionable. The brain requires eye contact with a loving caregiver. The aforementioned destructive activities eliminate this. The brain and nervous system in order to heal must have touch. Loving touch and interactive play activity are not a part of watching TV or movies. The "zoning out" in front of the tube eliminates movement, smiles, and normal relationship activities. Some parents feel the TV is an inexpensive babysitter or a distraction to "keep the kid busy" so the parent can work or rest. I believe the time a child spends sitting and staring at the screen is incredibly expensive in the long run. Costs need to be observed in several areas. The cost to the parents is in the form of more therapy needed. While the cost to the child is in the form of more of their childhood lost, whereas, the cost to society is yet another member with delays in work ethic, relationship skills and/or moral character.

When I begin the therapeutic parenting program with a child I plan on not having the child watch TV, movies, play computer or video games for one solid year. I prefer toys that increase creativity, problem solving, cause and effect thinking, tactile stimulation, and focus. My favorite is a bucket of Legos. They make big ones for little hands all the way up to motorized for teens. Incredible creations the children build can be used as a centerpiece on your table at meals. To build self-esteem, I also like to have the child hold their creation while I photograph them. The act of photographing the child’s project in itself says "what you did is important." The follow up of showing the photos to friends and relatives and putting them on your refrigerator further builds the child’s belief in their abilities and value. Action video and computer games are very helpful for a child planning a military career, the increase in the trigger finger speed can be helpful in a real life battle situation.

It’s been over twenty years since we eliminated television from our home life. I find our children reading more, talking more and interacting more. Why not unplug the tube and plug into your child’s life!

How do you know?

How can I tell if some of the behavior we experience with E. is related to trauma/attachment issues or simply a learning delay or disability? If it is defiance or normal childhood ignorance?

We are learning more and more about PTSD/RAD/trauma effected children recently. I have been meeting up with a wonderful group of ladies watching Nancy Thomas videos a few times a month. Great information! I have only seen two sessions but so far I am really impressed.

E. has been through so much in his short little life, and part of his early childhood is missing. No one knows what happened to him from birth to age 8 months. Who knows what trauma he experienced besides nearly starving to death? The fact that he went through the stress of malnourishment, being in an orphanage for years and then moving to a family he didn't know in a new country would be enough to effect him for sure...either emotionally or physically.

When the average person or even a close friend or family member (outside our immediate family) sees E., they see a happy, cute little boy who is eager to please. He rarely has behavior issues at preschool, does fine in the care of others, and loves to make others laugh.

At home, sometimes, there is another little boy. One that is sometimes defiant, that doesn't seem to know answers to questions, that can throw a huge tantrum and who rarely listens or follows directions. Up until the last year we thought this was due to a learning disability. We are starting to get a better idea that this might be something more.

Let me give you an idea:

Me: E, please go get ready for bed.

E.: OK.

E. comes out of his room with mismatched pajamas and a whiny look.

E.: Is it ok if I wear these pants with this?

Me: I know there are matching pants with that shirt, lets look.

I look through his drawer and quickly find the matching pair. No biggie.

Next day:

Me: Good morning E.

E.: Hi!

E. sneaks around the bathroom taking a really long time.

Me: What are you doing in there?

E. I am taking off my diaper.

Me: You didn't put a diaper on last night, because you don't need one anymore! When did you put a diaper on?

E. Hmm. I peed it.

I look at the diaper which is relatively dry, except on the outside, which feels slightly wet. Strange.

Me: Can you please get dressed? There are clothes folded on top of your dresser for you.

E.: Ok!

Me: Don't put on S's clothes though!

Hubby can't find S's clothes, which I also laid out on the dresser. He calls E. into the room. E. is wearing S's clothes.

Me: E., why are you wearing those? Take them off, and put on the other ones. Where are the other clothes for you?

E.: They are in the drawer.

E. had taken the clothes he was supposed to put on and put them in the drawer, under a few other items. Weird.

Another good example:

Me: E. why are are doing that?

E: S. is...

Me: How old is S.?

E.: Hmmm...

Me: S. is three. How old are you?

E.: Uhhh... I don't know how old I am.

Me: Well think about it a minute.

E.: Hmmm...eight.

Me: No, try again.

E. Uhh, seven.

This goes on and on while E. guesses several possible ages AVOIDING the number 5.

Me: (knowing he is lying and DOES know he is 5) I don't think you will be able to graduate preschool and go to kindergarten if you don't know your age. Are you sure you can't remember how old you are?

E.: I don't know.

Me: You need to sweep the floor in the kitchen until you can remember.

E.: I'm mad at you!

I let E. sweep for a minute and occasionally ask him if he can remember. Then, after a few minutes of sweeping, he suddenly can remember he is 5!

He has also done this when playing a color game, pretending he doesn't know the color and going around the entire color wheel trying to "guess".

Now some of you are going to say this is normal five year old behavior. I understand that many people do not understand how frustrating it is parenting these trauma effected children. Please know that this is a small picture of what I go through parenting this child everyday. And imagine that this is going on all day long. Then, when he goes to school, or grandma's, and to hear that he does not have any of the issues I describe while in their care...oh I hope you can imagine.

Why does he do this? Control. And that gets under my skin. I am trying my hardest not to let it. In the video (please bear with me as I have only watched it once and am not great at remembering details) I learned that kids effected by abuse, trauma, etc. use the back portion of their brain the most. This is the fight or flight portion. E. is here a lot, it is home to him, and he does what it takes to get reactions from us (mainly me) so he can stimulate this area. Our goal is to get him to use more of his frontal lobe, the cause/effect part of his brain. The part that helps with attachment, good decision making skills, etc. We want him to use and strengthen THIS part. So when he does something looking for a reaction, and we get angry and frustrated, he can see this and feel somewhat content and satisfied. When we react in another way, throw him off a bit, it will get him to start using the frontal lobe more. This is what I am excited about learning more about!

I am going

to the ETAMM. I can't wait, you have no idea.

Lemonade

An example of how attachment disabled kids can come between parents:

Mom, Dad and three children go out to lunch at a new burger joint.

Dad orders food while Mom and three children sit at a table. Troubled child gets all bent out of shape about the seat he chose to sit in and wants to move. Mom tells him to stay there and he pouts.

Pouting stops after food is in front of him. But not for long. He is upset because Mom does not allow him to drink 20 oz of lemonade in two minutes. Upset because we bought him a grilled cheese sandwich. Upset that Mom does not allow him to dip every inch of french fry AND his hand in ketchup. Doesn't like the way his sandwich tastes, etc. etc.

Mom is irritated because they had just spent over $40 on lunch and troubled child is trying to ruin the outing. Dad is irritated and yells at Mom to "just let him eat, why are you letting him bother you so much?"

Dad leaves table for a few minutes. Everyone is nearly finished eating. Troubled child has a few sips of lemonade left in that 20 oz cup that is now in front of Mom. Mom asks troubled child if he would like the rest of the lemonade. Troubled child glares at Mom and does not answer. Mom asks again. No reply. Mom looks away for a few seconds. Troubled child quickly grabs lemonade from in front of Mom, hides it under other arm and starts to drink the rest.

Oldest son notices the strange behavior and alerts Mom. Mom asks troubled child if he wanted more, why didn't he just say yes? Three sips of lemonade is thrown away. Troubled child cries and makes a scene in burger joint. Mom tries to talk with troubled child but his "crying" gets louder and more noticed by the crowd. Dad comes back to the table and asked what happened. Dad is debriefed. Dad tells troubled child to stop crying and to get his coat on. More wailing while coat is being put on by Dad.

Mom, Dad and three children get in the car. Troubled child "cries" but more like excretes saliva, snot and tears all over himself while making goat like noises. Mom is more than annoyed. Dad again asks Mom why everyone is so upset. Mom explained again. Dad is irritated that Mom is so agitated. Mom asked oldest son to back her up. He does. Everyone is irritated by troubled child. Dad tells Mom to just ignore troubled child and stop talking to him. Mom is irritated that Dad seems irritated at Mom. Mom feels at fault for entire issue, but also just plain angry. Surprisingly, active three year old preschooler got through entire outing without one single issue (besides not wanting to eat sandwich either).

it's hard

Our two year homecoming anniversary is coming up for E. in just a few days. When I look back at how much he has grown and changed I am so amazed. However, I'm coming to a realization that loving E seems to come easy for everyone except us. Outside of home he is happy, friendly, smiley and funny. His teachers at preschool don't seem to have any discipline problems. He has made a few friends at school. Extended family and friends tend to not see any problems. At home it's another story most of the time. I am praying that this is just a season in his life.

He does ok on days when dad is home. He also does better when the house is full of siblings. But when most are at school and E. is home in the mornings with more attention from me (school is at 12 for him), he doesn't know what to do with himself. He wanders around the house. He whines about everything. I offer to read with him, play with play dough, anything. The only thing that makes him happy is to watch a video, (which I try to keep to a minimum) or eat constantly.

Church has been an issue too, since he knows when to push my buttons. I swear this is what he is thinking:

Mom has been busy and tired all week. This is her one chance to get filled. Dad is up there on the stage leading worship, so he can't do anything. I'm gonna make her life h*ll.

So he does everything in his power to try to do just that. I thought I had found a great way to overcome this issue, a few weeks ago I told him if he is a good boy (with specific expectations) then he can have a piece of rainbow birthday cake afterward. He was an ANGEL. Last Sunday however, this did not work. Maybe he's clueing in. I told him his reward for good behavior was cookies since church was having a mission lunch. Ten minutes in he was uncooperative and disruptive. I had to leave the sanctuary. E. refused to go to his Sunday School class. I finally got him situated but later heard reports of him having a difficult time. During lunch I passed the cookie plate around and skipped over E. He gave me the glare of death.

His siblings pick on him, because it seems like he is always complaining about anything and everything. He most often spoils family time. He is always lurking, staring, hanging around. When I was making lunch for C. this morning it was like he was drooling over the food. So I put a handful of almonds at his place at the table and smiled warmly at him. He frowned at me and said, "I'm not gonna eat that."

During playtime he spins around the room, tripping over toys, furniture or people. He wiggles and wobbles through space with his hands and arms flinging around. He does strange things like walking around with dirty socks on his head and when asked why he responds, "Decause it's funny! (insert fake giggle) He can't regulate himself and spirals out of control when he does start to enjoy playtime. A good time playing hide and seek turns into someone getting hurt because he's running around the house yelling and giggling uncontrollably.

This morning was no different. E wandered around the house. I suggested he play in his room. He cried and whined. He got a stuffed animal, took it by the arm and swung it over his head while spinning in circles. I asked him not to do that since this specific animal was losing it's stitching. He got a truck, and pushed it on the floor, with all of his weight on the toy. It's one of the surviving cars we own like this since the others' wheels had collapsed from the weight. I checked on him after a few minutes. He sat there, listening to the car squeak and groan under pressure. He looked up at me and said, "Look mom, I'm playing!"

The long awaited lunch came (he lives to eat), and he took forever eating the sandwich his brother made him. It was a different type of bread, with nuts in it. (my ploy to keep myself from eating bread, since I am allergic to nuts!) He took a REALLY long time eating it, after picking apart the filling and slice of bread. He complained and gagged.

A lot of these behaviors may seem like they are typical for a 4/5 year old. Or that they are really nothing to make a deal about. But trust me, after watching him try to fit in, cope with daily life, and try to annoy or sabotage relationships or situations nearly all the time, we've started to realize this is not normal.

Then today, we had a few minutes to spare before the bus came. I called E to me to snuggle him before he left. He frowned and whined, "why do I have to do this???". I tried my best to love him and explained that giving and getting hugs makes you feel nice. "Doesn't this feel nice?" No response. Then I said, "E, I love you." No response. I asked, "Do you love me?" With more whines, he told me no. I asked if he liked me... no. I told him that it hurt my feelings and made me sad that he said he doesn't like or love me. He asked why. Then hid a smile.