New Etsy Shop

I decided to step out of my comfort zone and list some of my photography I recently took with my new to me camera. Here is the link!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/artsywhiterabbit?ref=seller_info

Mourning loss

I have suffered losses in the past few years, and I realized today that I am still mourning them.

I have suffered miscarriage, two failed adoptions, and the loss of the idea of having another child. Most of these losses happened for the better in the end, and I know that God has good plans. I have come to realize that I am still effected by these and haven't really grieved in a healthy way.

I'm not positive what is a healthy grieving process, but I'm pretty sure bottling up feelings and pretending everything is fine is not.

My not so mid-life crisis

Last summer was a rough one. I seriously had a mid life crisis. And now, although many of my friends know about it, I want to air it for everyone, in hopes it may help others.

First of all, I got married at age 19.
I went right from living with my parents to living with my husband (who was 20). Honestly, I spent our first night together in tears, and our first year was full of arguments. But we made it through. And today I can say that I am married to my best friend.

Secondly, I had a baby at age 21 (almost). I was still a baby. Then I had another one 18 months later. Then another four years after that and adopted two with special needs. I had only one identify...mom. I had given up everything I had to care for these kids God gave me.

Thirdly, I became a foster mom. We took in a child with high special needs who was disabled. Seriously, the state could not find anyone else to take her and she was about to end up in a nursing home. I was her primary caregiver. Her story was so sad. Disturbing, really.

Add all this up, throw in a husband working in the most stressful job environment possible, and you have a recipe for disaster.

I had been spending most of my life caring for other people and had forgotten myself. I didn't even know what my interests were anymore. I found myself spiraling into a strange situation, almost manic/depressive. I began acting impulsively and doing things completely out of character. It had my husband and close friends concerned.

I went to the doctor, got some medication for depression and anxiety. My husband and I went to marriage counseling, because words like divorce and separation were coming up in conversation way too often.

I began seeing a counselor on my own too. She had been helpful to get me really thinking about my behavior and why I was doing the things I did.

After 7 months and a long rocky road, I am doing pretty well. I am spending much more time focusing on myself and my marriage. I've gained new interests and hobbies, made some new friends and am trying to step out of my comfort zone. I'm finding what makes me happy vs doing things out of feelings of obligation. I'm still dealing with things and feelings, some days better than others. I still put too much trust and faith in people at times, and other times not nearly enough.

Early morning

It's 3:30 am and I'm restless. Not sure why but I woke and couldn't fall back to sleep.

Thoughts are churning in my head. Random things and ideas, goals and dreams, worries and problems are haunting me tonight.

I'm feeling very unsure about life recently. I don't feel joy. I sometimes resent my husband and children. I spend a lot of time wishing for things that are out of reach. I have little motivation to get things done in every day life. I feel like I'm in the movie Groundhog Day, and the same activities are being rerun over and over. I have many things I would like to do but I either can't get away from housework and mommy-hood, am too exhausted to do it, feel guilty for doing it, or sabotage myself. I have been working on my self talk, trying to claim my fears and feelings and also find a positive spin on life, but it can be so hard!

just dance.

Since I was three years old I have been dancing. Taking lessons at a local dance studio for years and then enrolling in a school after moving across state. Dancing took me to Washington DC, performing in amazing locations there. I have competed, and even danced professionally with our troupe. After I got burned out the end of my sophomore year of high school, I signed up for the dance drill team at high school. There I lettered and helped choreograph and was part of the audition process. I kinda lost my dance shoes throughout time, getting wrapped up in family life, babies, volunteering and foster care. I helped occasionally with the church's musical productions, but other than that, my dance "career" was pretty stale.

I signed my girls up for classes, C. was asked to leave (long story). K. enjoyed it but funds were tight. I loved watching their recitals and my favorite part was watching the adult class perform, I always got chills. My desire was to be up onstage with them, performing. It had been one of my goals to get into a class when I am thinner.

Recently I joined a facebook bartering group. I have been connecting with local people (many moms) and trade goods or services for something I have to offer. Someone on the group had asked if anyone taught dance lessons. After some thought, I decided to speak up and figured I would give it a shot! I have helped teach classes, have choreographed, observed and been in enough dance classes to surely handle the preschool set!

I was able to locate through Craigslist a dance studio. Bartering cleaning services for studio time, I have my location all set. I offered a free demo class on Monday. It was a little rocky, but I had fun and most of the kids did too. I am overcoming a lot of fears and self consciousness by stepping out of my comfort zone and doing something like this!

I am going to be offering a class on Monday mornings and one on Sunday afternoons. If you want more information, like my page on facebook http://www.facebook.com/lilcrocodiles

My space

Our "homestead" came complete with a full sized recording studio building behind our house. While it doesn't have plumbing (which would be sooo nice), it provides extra usable square footage for our family. We have done a lot of work to the interior of the building. There are four rooms in there to use as bedrooms, rec room and storage. I have decided to move out the items in the storage room to make my own art studio. J has been very supportive and even hunted down a beautiful easel for me. Here are some of the photos as we are putting together the room!

More to come!

ten of my favorite things

1: Spending time with loved ones.
2: Passion.
3: Listening to rain hit our metal roof.
4: Holding babies.
5: Clean sheets on my bed.
6: Being creative and enjoying the arts...music, dance, writing, painting, design, theater, architecture, fashion...anything.
7: Giving. (including love, service, compassion and material things)
8: Traveling and experiencing different cultures.
9: Living simply.
10: Moving. (active and non-stagnant)

searching

The last few months have been difficult, maybe the blog is evidence of that. Having a high needs child with a saddening story, dealing with J's difficult hours and stressful job, arguing kids home for the summer and other things have all piled up. I feel like I woke up one day and realized I don't know who I am anymore! I know I am a mom and a wife (and part of other relationships too). But my interests have waned. I don't take time for myself like I should. And I certainly haven't felt genuinely happy. I almost feel like I am going through a midlife crisis, although I am not really old enough to be at the "midlife" point yet.

So I am wading through some emotional things and trying to figure out my real interests, hobbies, what excites me and what I need to say no to. I am going to try new things and do some things I have wanted to do but been too scared to try. I am going to continue working on improving areas in my life that need improving, and de-cluttering and letting go of things that need to go.

Happiness

is:

• checking in to my flight for a four and a half day vacation
• good behavior in church today by ALL children
• chocolate-peanut butter ice cream
• Oh Brother Where Are Thou? soundtrack

Free

I am liberated from facebook. I was going to wait until Tuesday to deactivate my account, but I decided to do it tonight. I feel great, like I have a newfound freedom and more time to do the things I want to do. By the way, facebook is kinda lame. They don't totally delete your account if you choose to deactivate it. When you want to return, all you need to do is log in and click a button to reactivate. So I need all my people out there to hold me accountable that I won't return anytime soon. Maybe down the road when my priorities are set straight and life is not so stressful.

My goals/activities for this week:

Clean the main living areas of the house, declutter along the way

Plan a menu and grocery shop

Read "The Connected Child"

Meet a friend for lunch on Wed.

Have a playdate on Thurs. morning

Visit a friend in the hospital, bring her family dinner

Go to C.'s orchestra concert on Wednesday

Figure out a plan for K.'s birthday (on Super Bowl Sunday this year)

Make a doctor appointment for myself

Eat less carbs

Exercise every day

Get to bed by 11 every night

Emotions

I am dealing with emotions of all kinds lately:

Excitement for the year ahead.
Uncertainty about how to cope with daily life.
Confusion about why things happen a certain way.
Fear for my son's health and future.
Loneliness.
Sadness about what has happened with Mercy.
Guilt for not trying harder.
Happiness when spending quality time with my children and husband.
Anger at myself for overeating and having poor self control.
Overwhelmed with having a hectic, busy, dirty, chaotic house.
Worried about my children.
Embarrassed to go to the gym and work out.
Frustrated at the ignorance of some people.
Anxious about our finances.
Irritation from problem children.
Enraged by said children's behavior at times.
Exhausted most of the day.
Hopeful.

I feel like I can keep all these emotions
contained and pushed down inside for a while...
and then

I open my daughter's backpack and

POP, out shoots the cork

and emotions spill all over the place.

I am not really sure what emotion I was feeling when I saw this.

Thankfully the kids were in bed, the hubby was working overtime

and I was able to just lay in bed and cry, and pray, letting those emotions out for a bit.

When I grow up

I have been thinking about going back to school. Maybe not right now, but when I have some free time!

I took an online career explorer quiz. Here are the results:

CRIMINAL JUSTICE

EDUCATION and CHILDCARE

CULINARY

Um, don't I already do all this now? I am constantly practicing conflict resolution, breaking up fights and doing detective work. I homeschool most of my kids, and am a full time childcare provider. I cook three times a day.

Who needs school?

my love

Sure, I did hint at it, well, I specifically said what I would love and how to do it. When I got home yesterday afternoon after flying for nearly 18 hours, I was greeted by J. and the three youngest kiddos at the airport. After getting in the car, I was surprised with a bucket full of goodies. Halloween candy, chocolates, apples, homemade cards, and a jewelry box. I knew what was in it, but was so happy that he listened. He took my engagement/wedding ring into the jewelers to get resized. We got married at age 19. Needless to say, my ring finger is several sizes chubbier than it was 15 years ago. I have been wearing a different ring (one we got on vacation in Hawaii five years ago) for a long time and I have kept putting off the desire to get this done. But J. listened, and he took it in to get resized, cleaned and polished before I got home.

how I feel

This is my first try at poetry since high school. Don't judge!

Laying in the shadows while the mist slowly falls
tears falling at the same rate.

I feel lost, hopeless, forgotten,
tormented by dark thoughts of things that could be.

Daily I am reminded of the limited time I have on earth,
wishing I can go back and savor each moment with those I love.

How could God bring me as a foreigner to this place
and abandon me?

I felt my father calling me here,
obediently I came.
But where is He now, has He gone?

Is He disciplining His impatient child?
Was it really the Lord's voice I heard?

"Trust me"
Resisting the voice of darkness I turn to listen.

Now the gentleness of God's hand is guiding me,
out of the shadows through the storm of tears.

He has a plan, far better than I can imagine.
Selfishly I wish for a glimpse of that promise,
but trust.

Last post for a bit

kids pretending to be on the airplane to America!

We are leaving tomorrow!! I am mostly packed, have the house somewhat cleaned up and am a nervous wreck. Just spent the last hour answering emails about lodging, making phone calls, printing out visa paperwork, and had J. run some errands. Grandma is on her way across the state right now.

We have run into some small obstacles to overcome and could use your prayers for the next few days and months to come.

• Our oldest is home sick today with sore throat and headache.
• Our oven is not working properly and we don't have time to have it replaced or fixed before we leave. Hoping Grandma can work around it for a few weeks, or just plan to have the food take twice as long to cook in the oven!
• Our attorney wants a report from a doctor for court. We seemed to have a miscommunication and thought it was an optional thing needed. We didn't have time to do it while I was in country, but we did get a report from a different doctor. Lawyer still wants that report and we hope that it can get done this week before Friday.

Please pray for our flights, health, safety and protection. PLEASE be praying Friday (actually if you are living in the NW you should pray Thursday night, around 11/midnight) for our court hearing. Pray the judge appears in court, for a favorable ruling, and for M's behavior as we may need to sit and wait for several hours. Way too boring for a five year old. Pray that there are no delays and we can get a ruling very quickly. Pray that the passport and visa process goes quickly too, without any problems.

Pray for our children at home too please. They are making a great sacrifice too, having us both go to another country for several weeks. L. is even giving up playing fall soccer! And they are cheerful about the whole thing, for the most part. Pray that more helpers will come forward to bless these kids and their grandma.

On a lighter note:

C. celebrated her 12th birthday over the weekend. We bought her an inexpensive digital camera, something she has wanted for a long time. I think you can tell by the photo that she was really excited!

I was treated to dinner and theater by my mom on Saturday. We went to dinner at a tapas restaurant. We ate a lot of good food, then walked to the theater to see Burn the Floor. It was a mixture of different ballroom/swing/latin dancing. I really enjoy watching dancing and theater. When I was younger; before my interest in boys, then babies, it was my life and passion. I spent 13 years taking lessons, performing and touring with my dance team. Some of my greatest childhood memories involved dancing. This show really made me want to take some swing or ballroom lessons with my hubby, or even adult jazz/tap? Someday, when life is less crazy perhaps.

Feeling better

(please excuse the grainy webcam pic!)

I'm feeling better the last few days AND so thankful for a friend C. for putting the MAT application on the website for me. I have seen a lesser amount of emails coming in for that, which is good for my time management.

I was getting sick of my hair the last few months, and decided to go short. I had it short when J. and I first met in high school, and it's been short off and on. I thought it would also be better for time management. Just trying to get life in order for big things to come!

Remembering 2009

Reflections from 2009:

• We started the year off by celebrating with family and friends.
• S. turned one!
• I fasted from the internet for a week.
• I was hospitalized with pancreatitis and gallbladder problems, while my husband was out of town. Thankfully surgery fixed a lot of my problems and I healed quickly.
• K. turned 6 in February.
• We brought home our son E. from Haiti in March.
• L. turned 12.
• We traveled to visit family for Easter.
• We experienced many firsts with E. and navigated out way though parenting an adopted toddler. Potty training, fungus, therapy, medical appointments, behavior issues, stress and fear, language barrier.
• E. turned 3 in April.
• We had family visit and went to stay with my sister.
• We had fun at the zoo, the wildlife refuge, the pioneer farm, the beach, and many other places.
• I began my weight loss journey.
• Clepson came to stay with us for a while. He came here from Haiti to have surgery.
• We went camping in Oregon with friends this summer.
• Helped our church start an orphan/adoption ministry. It's still in the beginning phases!
• J. and I got to spend time together without the kids for our anniversary. The kids all stayed with Grandma and Grandpa's house across the state.
• The big kids went to public school after being home schooled for years.
• E. had his adoption completely finalized on 9/9/09
• C. turned 11 in September.
• L. played soccer.
• Went to a pro baseball game with the kids.
• We went to a David Crowder Concert, tickets were a birthday gift to J.
• My sister got married in November. There were many fun events leading up to the big day.
• We decided to adopt another child with special needs.
• My mom was diagnosed with cancer.
• We had our home study updated.
• We celebrated Thanksgiving with friends.
• My mom had surgery and is doing well. Thank you Lord!
• We had a wonderful Christmas with five children!

Wow, that was fun! We have done a lot this year. I am looking forward to the coming decade.

Christmas Letter

Edited for privacy...

Greetings to you this Christmas season. I apologize for the emailed Christmas letter, but it was the only way I could get our note out to all of you before the end of the year. I hope you will understand.

We have had an extremely busy year. We are thankful for all we have and the health and happiness of everyone in our home. We’ve had a lot of great changes, and would love to share with you what has been happening in our lives.

J. is still employed and just celebrated his 10^th anniversary at his work. (edited info)

K. is still a stay at home mom and is no longer home schooling the kids. We decided to enroll them in the local public schools and now we have more time with E. and S. at home. She volunteers for an organization for the Medical Advocacy Team. www.medicaladvocacyteam.blogspot.com Her role is to find host families for international children who are ill and need to come to the U.S for surgery. It is a rewarding job to help children in this way. She enjoys journaling, gardening, reading, playing with the kids and going on fun day trips with the family.

L. will be 13 years old in March and is becoming a young man! He is in 7^th grade and attends H. Middle School. He enjoyed playing soccer again this fall. He loves to read, build things, play outside, and is very helpful with the little boys. He is getting excellent grades in school. He’s a very smart guy.

C. is 11. She is in 5^th grade at C. Elementary. She loves art, animals, making people laugh, singing and helping in the kitchen. She’s compassionate and caring. She likes to play outside, and cuddle on the couch watching movies. She’s doing really well in school and is making a lot of good friends.

K. is 6. She’s in 1^st grade at C. She is a funny, sweet little girl. She loves to cuddle and loves her daddy. She loves singing, dancing, coloring, dressing up, pretending and everything most six-year-old girls like.

E. is our little 3 1/2 year old boy from Haiti. He came home to us in March of 2009. He is a happy, cuddly, sweet boy. The adjustment has been going well and he is such a blessing to our family. His adoption was complete and final on 9/9/09! He is funny and loves to laugh. He had his first experience with snow today and had a great time playing in it with his sisters.

S. will be two soon. He is the sweetest, happiest toddler. He charms everyone he meets! He loves to be active, is running everywhere and gets into everything! He is trying out words daily. He loves his brothers and sisters and they are very helpful caring for him.

Recently we decided to adopt again. (If you would like to hear more about this journey you will have to read my private blog. See the side bar to find out how and let me know who you are!)

We still live in the country, on our 5 acres. We have been working hard around the place and have been remodeling our studio. We have also been busy ripping up our rotting back deck with plans to replace it soon. There are many projects we hope to finish soon! We are hoping to get a few small farm animals in the future. Chickens would be fun…

We hope you and yours have a very Merry Christmas and wonderful New Year. May God bless you!

Today...

• Waited for something important to arrive in my in-box- it didn't
• Bought a mattress and bed frame for C.
• Made jello salad for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow
• Made several calls to specialists regarding S.
• Connected a bit with other adoptive parents
• Worked out at the gym with my friend
• Missed a very special little girl
• Attended a Thanksgiving church service
• Cleaned up the house a bit
• Did three loads of laundry
• Was glad that S. took a nap today after two days of not much rest
• Made crock pot roast beef, but waited too late to put it in, and we didn't eat dinner until 8:15!
• Watched Glee!
• Sold a t-shirt. Thanks for your support and love Sarah!
• Went grocery shopping with J. and little boys
• Cleaned up after two "accidents" when E. waited too long to go to the potty
• Looked forward to my mini getaway with friends
• Pitched old paperwork and schoolwork
• Thought about how thankful I am... many times

Burdened

I feel weary. I cannot even begin to explain how sad my heart is at times. I have suffered with the gift of compassion for many years. I remember the feelings I had as a young child while watching a "feed the starving children" type commercial on tv, or caring for a sick pet. I have these same feelings now, tenfold. I get so emotional at the thought of a child suffering, whether it is in the same county as me, or across the world. There are so many, and we can't save each one. It is just not possible for us to do it on our own. We can make a difference in a few lives though.

I believe that God brought several people in my life for a specific reason. I met my friend Sarah several years ago at my kids' homeschool program. She had adopted from Children of the Promise in Haiti. I was eager to learn the details. J. and I had considered adopting in the past, and the seed that had been planted by a Focus on the Family radio program had begun to sprout.

Sarah and I became fast friends and soon we began volunteering together. We traveled to Haiti and helped save the lives of a few precious children. We've been through heartbreak and experienced great joy. Sarah and Salem both started the MAT from the ground up. I soon became the host family coordinator.

Though our adoptions, traveling to Haiti, and helping several children, my life has changed. My priorities are much different and I feel happier about the little things in life. My relationship with my Father God has changed too, and for that I am most thankful.

I do, however, carry this burden. The burden of hearing about a little girl, orphaned and abandoned because of an illness. Unable to obtain medical care because of the country she was born in. Her story is so similar to our son's. I want so badly to help, but I am limited to what I can do, because of finances and circumstance.

I did not seek her out. The Lord brought her story to me. The timing is not perfect for us, we are busy, and I have a lot going on in my family. But there is something about her that is calling out to me. I am not sure why, I feel the need to do what I can to save her life. I am reaching out to others, so that they can experience the same joy and blessings I have experienced by helping a child.

It is the best feeling in the world.

Psalm 28

Of David.

¹ To you I call, O LORD my Rock;
do not turn a deaf ear to me.
For if you remain silent,
I will be like those who have gone down to the pit.

² Hear my cry for mercy
as I call to you for help,
as I lift up my hands
toward your Most Holy Place.