Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Hurt

Most people don't understand attachment issues that go along with adoption. But I want to vent and hope you might imagine how this would make you feel as a mother.

You decide to adopt and work diligently for several years to make it possible. You travel to Haiti several times and meet your future son. He appears to be charming, loving and cuddly and according to his caregivers, he is. You wait and pray, hoping for him to come home to you quickly. The day finally comes and you greet him at the airport. In a matter of minutes the dream reunion is shattered as your son wants nothing to do with you, and will barely make eye contact.

Years pass and you take your son to specialists and therapists. You hope for some sort of reason for his odd behavior. He struggles in school and more people are involved with finding some diagnoses. No real explanation is found. Your son doesn't want anything to do with you unless it involves food or wanting negative attention. He acts like it's torturous to cuddle or give hugs, yet will curl up with anyone else. He is passive aggressive and only shows one genuine emotion, anger. The other ones are fake or mimicked to get by in life or gain control. He struggles socially and emotionally as well as developmentally. He pushes further away and his anger grows as he gets disciplined for his behaviors such as stealing, lying, hitting and being defiant. He annoys most everyone except those who don't know him well.

These are the things I have been struggling with since E has been home. I feel defeated. It's even more frustrating that therapists who deal with attachment and RAD are few and far between in our area. We found one but she doesn't take our medical insurance. Ugh. Thanks for listening.

1 comment:

Kathy C. said...

The very things I struggled with in our first Haitian adoption. Try not to take it personally. That's the only advice I have. I had so much anger because I took having my stuff stolen too personally. I made it my problem to fix him. Nothing really helped, even a home for troubled youth for four years. He had them fooled the first two years and then they blamed everything on us not loving him enough. He is now in the army where you don't have to be relational, just follow orders.

Hang in there. People are understanding it better than they did 13 years ago and hopefully you'll find support, at least online from other adoptive families.