Sometimes, a fresh coat of paint does wonders for the soul. It covers up the dingy ugly surface and looks light and bright again. I've been in recovery from depression and addictions for almost forty days now. I still struggle, but after doing some thinking about why I don't like coming out of hibernation from my room, I realized that I hate the living space in the rest of the house. I began painting a few days ago, starting in the dining room. I am choosing some bright, happy colors to paint the walls.
Today I want to share about something I have been living (mostly secretly) with for a long time. Depression. It creeps over me like a dark grey cloud and through the slight transparencies I can see hope on some days. On the very dark days, I am hope-less. I feel guilt for these feelings of being useless, sad and dull. I don't really know why I feel this way, and it is so difficult to answer loved ones when they ask me why I am depressed. The only answer I can give is "I don't know".
For those who know me well, I have a futuristic strength (I learned this from the book "Strengths Finder" by Tom Rath). I'm a visionary; a dreamer. I look often to the future and the positive changes that will come. The weakness of this strength is that sometimes I don't take the time to live in this moment. I have so many hopes, dreams, goals and ambitions. They are all swimming chaotically inside my head. Many times I feel overwhelmed with all that I would like to do, but I don't find the time to start something. Daily life and distractions get in the way, but more often the dark cloud called Depression will haunt me and swallow my dreams with discouragement.
The cloud has been darkening over my days for a few years now. It has slowly, over the last ten years, become dense and thick and I can barely see through it. I live my days with regret, worthless feelings and intense anger. It's effected every aspect of my life; my family, friends, work and hobbies.
There is however, hope to come. I thank God for this futuristic strength He has given me. The many things I want for my future can be reached. Hope through Him is far stronger than the dark cloud of Depression. While it feels like breaking through the low laying layers of grey is going to take months of work; the glimmer of light on the distant mountain is worth the climb.
I have been moving things into my new studio slowly. I don't think most of my furniture will fit, but I will make do. I have a couple tables, some crates as shelves, a cute antique mirrored vanity and a couple chairs. Not much room for anything else. I'm loving the way it's turning out!
I have been renting a room for my art studio at a building about thirty minutes from my home for almost a year. I have loved having my own space to create without distractions and clutter in my house. However, there is always a guilty feeling when I am gone, and lots of time spent commuting. Plus the rent, although reasonable for the space, was still money I could be spending on other things for my business.
I decided to see if we could use an outbuilding as a studio, and J started getting to work on cleaning out a little 80 sq. ft. garden shed. I have been scouring Pinterest with ideas of what I want and he has been busy building. It's starting to get close to completion.
I am excited to decorate! I want a gypsy wagon/boho feel, so I have been shopping at thrift and antique stores to find items like scarves, pillows and storage options. I need to make the most out of this small space, so we put up peg board to store art supplies. I also found this little child's desk today that I fit in for $20!
It's finally arrived! We are the last district in the county to start school I think. This year L is a senior, C is a sophomore and we are homeschooling this year, K is a 5th grader, E is a 3rd grader and S is a 1st grader. The little boys asked for haircuts last night and I cut E's first. It turned out alright and S kept asking for his turn. His hair is so tight and curly, it kept getting caught in the clippers. So I basically buzzed it all off. It turned out pretty short and he was so upset. I feel horrible. He cried and cried and this morning at school he wouldn't take off his jacket or hood.