An example of how attachment disabled kids can come between parents:
Mom, Dad and three children go out to lunch at a new burger joint.
Dad orders food while Mom and three children sit at a table. Troubled child gets all bent out of shape about the seat he chose to sit in and wants to move. Mom tells him to stay there and he pouts.
Pouting stops after food is in front of him. But not for long. He is upset because Mom does not allow him to drink 20 oz of lemonade in two minutes. Upset because we bought him a grilled cheese sandwich. Upset that Mom does not allow him to dip every inch of french fry AND his hand in ketchup. Doesn't like the way his sandwich tastes, etc. etc.
Mom is irritated because they had just spent over $40 on lunch and troubled child is trying to ruin the outing. Dad is irritated and yells at Mom to "just let him eat, why are you letting him bother you so much?"
Dad leaves table for a few minutes. Everyone is nearly finished eating. Troubled child has a few sips of lemonade left in that 20 oz cup that is now in front of Mom. Mom asks troubled child if he would like the rest of the lemonade. Troubled child glares at Mom and does not answer. Mom asks again. No reply. Mom looks away for a few seconds. Troubled child quickly grabs lemonade from in front of Mom, hides it under other arm and starts to drink the rest.
Oldest son notices the strange behavior and alerts Mom. Mom asks troubled child if he wanted more, why didn't he just say yes? Three sips of lemonade is thrown away. Troubled child cries and makes a scene in burger joint. Mom tries to talk with troubled child but his "crying" gets louder and more noticed by the crowd. Dad comes back to the table and asked what happened. Dad is debriefed. Dad tells troubled child to stop crying and to get his coat on. More wailing while coat is being put on by Dad.
Mom, Dad and three children get in the car. Troubled child "cries" but more like excretes saliva, snot and tears all over himself while making goat like noises. Mom is more than annoyed. Dad again asks Mom why everyone is so upset. Mom explained again. Dad is irritated that Mom is so agitated. Mom asked oldest son to back her up. He does. Everyone is irritated by troubled child. Dad tells Mom to just ignore troubled child and stop talking to him. Mom is irritated that Dad seems irritated at Mom. Mom feels at fault for entire issue, but also just plain angry. Surprisingly, active three year old preschooler got through entire outing without one single issue (besides not wanting to eat sandwich either).
2 comments:
One child can sabotage a fun outing. Yep. Been there. Sorry your meal wasn't much fun after all the trouble of going out.
please make your husband read this, stat:
Dude, You have got to step up! Your wife is going through hell! She is the primary attachment figure, that's just how it is. So she is the one that your traumatized kid is trying hard to hate. No, you probably don't see half of what's going on. THATS HOW HE WANTS IT. I guarantee that what he's putting your wife through is worse than she describes. You miss the murderous looks, the frightening self-satisfied grin when he's once again managed to drive a wedge between you and your wife. She cannot 'just ignore him'. Dint you understand, he will torture her until she engages. How long can you ignore an itch? Your wife's trying to ignore a thousand itches in a thousand different places!
He will turn on you.
As soon as you decide that you will support your wife loudly , 100%, everytime in front of your traumatized kid; when he realizes that you can no longer be manipulated into buying his mess. He. will. turn. on. you. He is playing you now.
You must make your wife 'the boss of him' when he's mean, disrespectful, whatever to her, you must embrace her, kiss her and tell him what q great mom she is! You must always defer to her when he cones to you asking for something. Assume he's trying to somehow get around mom's rule, or anger her, of whatever. Get on your knees and pray for her. PRAY WITH HER. Send her on an outing alone to do something enjoyable, then make sure you're available to run interference when your traumatized kid tries to punish her for taking care of herself.
I'm not trying to disrespect you. I had no idea how things really were until I had three months leave from work and could see just how bad things were.
Don't let this trauma destroy your marriage and family. Your traumatized kid needs so much help; and your wife has to do most of the hardest, because she's the primary attachment figure.
You have got to step up.
Please feel free to email me: mobettapapa at gmail
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