Beautiful

C. and her cousin last summer

I am challenging K. to do more memory work during homeschool. I found this poem in the Children's Book of Virtues that I really like:

Beautiful faces are they that wear

The light of a pleasant spirit there;

Beautiful hands are they that do

Deeds that are noble, good and true;

Beautiful feet are they that go

Swiftly to lighten another's woe.

Dreams...

I have had a lot of dreams lately. I have not been sleeping well for a while now. I grind my teeth at night. I had a night guard but the dog got ahold of it the one time I forgot to put it away in the case. So until I get around to making a new one, I do without. And my body pays for it!

I have a recurring dream about pregnancy. I am not sure why. I am not able to have more biological children. Five abdominal surgeries has left me with a lot of scar tissue and I had decided to have a tubal ligation after K. was born.

My good friend recently had a baby, so I am wondering if this is why I am dreaming. Who knows. For fun, I looked up pregnancy in this dream dictionary.

By the way, if you ever dream about porta potties, this is what it could mean:

Porta Potty

To see or use a porta potty in your dream, indicates that you need to express your feelings more openly. Don't hold back your emotions. You need to let yourself go.

Here's what is said about pregnancy:

Pregnant

To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. Being pregnant in your dream may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal. Alternatively, if you are trying to get pregnant, then the dream may be a wish fulfillment. If you are not trying to get pregnant, but dream that you are, then it symbolizes fear of new responsibilities.

To dream that you are pregnant with the baby dying inside of you, suggests that a project you had put a lot of effort into is falling apart and slowly deteriorating. Nothing is working out the way you had anticipated.

If you are really pregnant and have this dream, then it represents your anxieties about the pregnancy. If you are in your first trimester of pregnancy, then your dreams tend to be about tiny creatures, fuzzy animals, flowers, fruit and water. In the second trimester, dreams will reflect anxieties about being a good mother and concerns about possible complications with the birth. Dreams of giving birth to a non-human baby are also common during this period of the pregnancy. Finally, in the third trimester, dreams consists of your own mother. As your body changes and grows, dreams of whales, elephants and dinosaurs and other larger animals may also start appearing at this stage of pregnancy.

So all these dreams has got me thinking. What could they mean, if anything?

Empathy for my pregnant (she has a beautiful little girl now) friend?

Desire to have another baby?

New directions, projects or exciting things happening soon? I hope so.

My baby

My youngest daughter is turning eight. I can't believe how fast time flies.

K. is a wonderful little lady.

She is kind, compassionate, and loveable.

She makes friends easily and is very social.

She is a Daddy's girl and can't fall asleep without saying bedtime prayers with him.

She loves art, animals, playing outside or with friends.

She is petite and lovely,

brave and adventurous.

I am a little sad to see her grow.

But I love to see how she has grown.

Happy Birthday K!

Need help

I have a friend who has been through some really hard things. She has lost a lot in her young life and now is struggling to get by as a single mother of two. Soon she will lose her apartment and will be homeless. She is receiving some help from the state, but the wait list for housing assistance is currently 3 years long. She has a few options and has a few months to figure out a solution to her problem, but I can see it is causing a lot of stress for her, which is understandable.

Our family is trying to think of ways to help. We have five acres AND a covered parking space for an RV or trailer. We thought she might be able to live in a trailer with her boys on our property temporarily and give her a chance to get back on her feet. BUT we don't have a trailer. And no one really has money to buy one.

If you know of someone selling an older nicer RV or trailer locally, will you let us know? Or if you have one you could lend or give (will be during the summer months), contact us? If you have space to rent for 3 people for under $300 a month contact me? Or if you want to give financially to my friend, let me know too. If you could pray about this situation I would appreciate it much.

"If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." 1 John 3:17-18

Special Needs Adoption

We have two adopted children who have twenty months difference in age. One was placed in our home at 12 weeks old, has had several neuro-surgeries, has special needs and is considered "disabled". The other was referred to us at one year old and was brought home at 35 months of age. He was considered healthy and typically developing when he got home. Now can you guess which child is more challenging to care for?

What are considered special needs?

"Special needs" describes several categories: disabilities, race, age, sibling status, and at-risk.

Disabilities include mental, physical and emotional disabilities and disorders which can range from mild to severe. Behavioral problems are part of the emotional disabilities group.

Minority Race. Some agencies consider minority race alone to be a special need, especially when the child is male, and other agencies do not. This does not mean that being a member of a certain racial group or gender is a disability. It means that, at this time, we have not recruited enough families to adopt our waiting minority race children, and especially the boys. In all racial groups, males outnumber females, sometimes by as much as three to one.

Age. The age limit at which a child is considered to have special needs differs from one state to another and may differ according to the race of the child. In general, a child over age 5-8 years may be considered an older child.

"At-risk" children. An an "at-risk" child is one who, while currently healthy, is at risk of developing learning, emotional, behavioral or physical disabilities in the future. Babies exposed to drugs, abuse, neglect, and those with genetic pre-dispositions to mental illness and physical disabilities are called "at-risk."

Our son E. is by far our most challenging child to parent right now. Although S. was born with an opening in his skull, developed hydrocephalus, has a VP shunt and has had two brain surgeries; I would not really consider his daily care difficult. E. has been home for nearly two years now. He would not be considered a special needs child but it's becoming more apparent that his needs take up more of our time and energy than his little brother's.

We have seen how far E. has come in a short period of time, but we are also realizing that his past has effected who he is. We are wondering if he would benefit from therapy. We are looking into that and reading more about attachment. I found this checklist online and surprisingly we circled 18 from this list:

Circle the items if they are frequently or often true.

• My child teases, hurts, or is cruel to other children.
• My child can't keep friends for an age-appropriate length of time.
• My child doesn't do as well in school as my child could do even with a little more effort.
• My child pushes me away or becomes stiff when I try to hug, unless my child wants something from me, in which case my child can be affectionate and engaging.
• My child argues for long periods of time, often about meaningless or silly things.
• My child has a large need to control everything.
• My child is hyper-vigilant.
• My child acts amazingly innocent, or pretends that things aren't really bad or a problem when caught doing something
• My child does dangerous things such as runs away, jumps out of windows, or other potentially harmful actions. My child seems oblivious to the fact that my child may be hurt.
• My child deliberately breaks or ruins his things or other's things.
• My child doesn't seem to feel age-appropriate guilt when my child does something wrong.
• My child is impulsive. My child seems unable or unwilling to stop doing something my child wants to do.
• My child teases, hurts, or is cruel to animals.
• My child steals, or shows up with things that belong to others with unbelievable, unusual, or suspicious reasons for how my child got these things.
• My child likes to sneak things without permission, even though my child could have had these things if my child had asked.
• My child doesn't seem to learn from mistakes, consequences, or punishments (my child continues the behavior despite the consequences).
• My child makes false reports of abuse or neglect. My child tries to get sympathy from others, or tries to get us in trouble, by telling others that I don't feed, or don't provide the basic necessities.
• My child seems not to experience pain when hurt, refusing to let anyone provide comfort.
• My child does not usually ask for things. My child demands things.
• My child lies, often about obvious or ridiculous things, or when it would have been easier to tell the truth.
• My child is quite bossy with other children and adults.
• My child hoards, sneaks food, or has other unusual eating habits (eats paper, raw sugar, non-food items, package mixes, baker's chocolate, etc.)
• My child often does not make eye contact when adults want to make eye contract with my child.
• My child has extended temper tantrums.
• My child chatters non-stop, asks repeated questions about things that make no sense, mutters, or is hard to understand when talking.
• My child is accident-prone (gets hurt a lot), or complains a lot about every little ache and pain (needs constant attention).
• My child acts cute or charming to get others to do what my child wants.
• My child is overly friendly with strangers.
• My child has set fires, or is preoccupied with fire.
• My child prefers to watch violent cartoons and/or TV shows or horror movie (regardless of whether or not you allow your child to do this).
• My child was abused/neglected during the first year of life, or had several changes of primary caretaker during the first several years of life.
• My child was in an orphanage for more than the first year of life.
• My child was adopted after the age of twelve months.

If you find that more than a few items (more than five or so) have been circled, your child may be experiencing difficulties that require professional assistance. If, in addition to several items being marked, any of the last three items is check, your child may be experiencing attachment related problems.

So where do we go from here? Does that mean E. has RAD? Or just "attachment issues"?

When we started the adoption process, we had to fill our paperwork explaining what kind of child we preferred. This was so difficult for us, to say "yes we are comfortable to adopt a child with hearing problems but no, not a child with CP"? We were scared of special needs at the time, so we just circled those issues that were correctable. After God placed several people in our lives and we began hosting several special kids with severe medical needs, we realized that caring for kids with special needs is a blessing, not a burden.

I hope that more people would be open to adopting special needs children. S. has been such a wonderful addition to our family. I can't imagine life without his sweet smile, his cheerful little personality and his spunky energy in our home. I also think adoptive families should be aware and educated. They should consider EVERY child who have experienced some sort of trauma (even at a young age) a special needs child. Even though the agency lists them as "healthy" or "normal", these kids have issues. They need special care and attention, some even more than children with medical needs.

Leftover salad

Today I made a yummy salad for lunch:

3/4 head green cabbage

2 carrots, grated

2 leftover pork chops, chopped

1/2 can crushed pineapple

balsamic vinegar salad dressing sweetened a bit with agave nectar

Mix and serve.

The kids even liked it!

The tough side of adoption

Look at that adorable child!!!

He is not perfect, he is human.

He's been through starvation, illness,

abandonment and early life in an orphanage.

No one talks about it openly. But you get a group of adoptive moms together and you hear it. Usually more than one mom has a story to tell. Stories that will scare anyone into thinking twice.

Tales of sexual abuse, violence, homicidal or suicidal tendencies.

RAD, ODD, PSTD, ADHD, FAS.

Lack of resources, counseling services and therapy programs.

DSHS, neighbors, police and church involved.

Respite, rehoming, disruption, hospitalization, residential treatment.

Many people do not like to discuss these ugly issues. Adoption is supposed to be about love, selflessness, sacrifice and obedience. But sometimes it can be so. dang. hard. It can cause severe depression, marriage complications, hurt to other children, stress and damage to material possessions.

I wonder how many families delve into adoption without first becoming educated? Yes, reading a few books is great, but really talked to people who have adopted and are open and honest? Or spoke to a professional or went through training? It seems like more and more I hear of families going through international adoption and bring a cute orphan home from a foreign country without counting the costs. I recently learned of a family who had adopted internationally and had never even heard of RAD before! Seriously. Adorable brown babies are not an accessory.

Yes, adoption has been wonderful and life changing for our family. It has been joyous. It has also been so difficult. I sometimes thing about what life would have been like for J., me and my three kids before adoption. Simpler, easier, less issues. Would I do it again? Yes. But it truly is not for everyone. And I do believe there are mis-matches. How does one choose a child that is right for their family when they are across the world? The information they get about that child is missing pieces, inaccurate or untruthful. Many kids' ages are even wrong simply for the ease of finding an adoptive family. Some adoptions are finalized before the adoptive parents even meet the child!

Please don't think I am writing to discourage adoptive families. I just want more people to get educated and keep learning through the process. I know for us, doing independent adoption, no one was there to be sure we were. We had to be self motivated and thankfully I met some wonderful people who pointed us in the right direction and helped form a small support group.

If you are in the position of going through some hard things with your kids, know that you are not alone. There are so many people walking that path with you, but remain silent. Don't be afraid to seek help. Talk to other adoptive parents and I bet you will find some support and love. We are all in this together.