let go

Six months ago we were faced with some very difficult problems after struggling to bring Mercy home from Uganda.

1. We tried for months to get a court date.
2. We got a court date and were refused to be seen by the judge, and any other judge in the capital, where they have a family court division.
3. We could not get a court date in the smaller town where Mercy was from, after trying for weeks.
4. I needed to be home with my family after a total of nine weeks being gone. My mother in law who was staying with the kids needed to return home across the state to her husband and her job. She was not able to come stay with them again later.
5. Mercy's caregiver who needed to be present in court and the visa appointment was going out of the country for a month and the holidays meant courts were closed.
6. Families who had filed for full adoption where having a difficult time, and the legal guardianship process was now moving smoothly. We filed for full adoption based on her medical needs.
7. We had no more money for traveling back and forth.
8. We were noticing some BIG behavior/attachment issues. More than we first realized. Stuff that we were unsure we could handle.

So while I sat alone in my room in Uganda counting down the days for my return flight home, I felt like a veil had been lifted from my eyes. I realized, maybe God is saying NO.

I came home from Uganda, alone without the little girl we had hoped for. Our family was able to rest and pray and make a very hard decision. I had many debates going through my head, the biggest one was how do we know what was God's will or our will? Was it really God's will for us to adopt Mercy, or was it our own? I had reached out to other adoptive friends to ask for prayer and advice. A few had arguments that it could never be God's will for Mercy to remain in Uganda and not get the help she needed. They said we should fight harder, that we would always regret the decision should we chose to give up. We would be letting satan win.

Surprisingly though, many people were supportive of us if we decided to let go. Some were friends who were professionals in the adoption field, and others were parents who have struggled with children suffering from RAD and other problems. We asked our pastors, church friends and others to pray for wisdom for us. We spent nearly a month in prayer and finally had to let people know what we felt God was telling us to do.

The toughest part of breaking the news was telling Mercy's caregiver. I typed the email and sent it, knowing it would break many hearts. So much time and effort was put into getting paperwork ready. Sharing the news with friends was difficult too. So many people had walked along side us on the journey, praying, helping financially and at home while I was away. I felt like I was a quitter, giving in.

A good friend sent me a note saying "Guilt is not from God." It made me feel so much better. And the many months of healing began. The guilty feelings melted away and things began to feel right again. I felt as if a weight had been lifted that had been there for over 12 months. I can remember the day I first felt that weight: the day they said "yes, you can adopt Mercy". It was exciting and scary. I wasn't sure how we would afford the expenses and travel, or how we would be able to leave the kids for at least a month. After reading the email with the news, I went to take my morning shower and cried out to the Lord, in fear, apprehension and anxiousness. I asked Him if he was really sure this is what we were supposed to do. I don't recall ever getting a confirmation from Him. And I think this is where we failed.

We moved on, pushed forward and went ahead. Mercy needed help and we were here wanting to provide it. We were excited to add to our family and we blindly went through the process. I felt like J's quick agreement to move forward with another adoption was a sure sign this was meant to be, since he was usually slower to agree to big things like this. But through the long wait process and the lengthy time in Uganda, I don't recall ever feeling like God had promised Mercy to us. I was uneasy the entire time. I wasn't sure if it was the right time to add to our family. I was not sure about the needs Mercy would have. But I felt like since things lined up just right for us to travel, funds were raised and donated, and we were so emotionally invested, we were surely doing the right thing.

So, after the decision was made, the email was sent to Uganda to Mercy's caregiver at the orphanage and to our attorney, after we cried and talked and prayed, after we broke news to friends, family and church, after explaining many times to our children why Mercy would not be coming home, and after so much time has gone by I still dream of Mercy and Uganda. I had a wonderful time getting to know some wonderful kids. I experienced a beautiful country and met some awesome friends. My husband and I had several weeks to spend together. I had a lot of time to study the bible and pray. God had a purpose for me going there, He refined me.

Thankfully, I no longer feel guilty. I no longer feel heartbroken. I feel peace. I feel God's plan was different than ours, that His plan is better than ours. I am excited to see what He has for us.

But I still. miss. Mercy. I don't think I ever felt like she was ours. She is God's, and I feel like she is right where He wants her to be.

If you want to read about the process and trips, click on Africa in the labels section of the sidebar.

it's hard

Our two year homecoming anniversary is coming up for E. in just a few days. When I look back at how much he has grown and changed I am so amazed. However, I'm coming to a realization that loving E seems to come easy for everyone except us. Outside of home he is happy, friendly, smiley and funny. His teachers at preschool don't seem to have any discipline problems. He has made a few friends at school. Extended family and friends tend to not see any problems. At home it's another story most of the time. I am praying that this is just a season in his life.

He does ok on days when dad is home. He also does better when the house is full of siblings. But when most are at school and E. is home in the mornings with more attention from me (school is at 12 for him), he doesn't know what to do with himself. He wanders around the house. He whines about everything. I offer to read with him, play with play dough, anything. The only thing that makes him happy is to watch a video, (which I try to keep to a minimum) or eat constantly.

Church has been an issue too, since he knows when to push my buttons. I swear this is what he is thinking:

Mom has been busy and tired all week. This is her one chance to get filled. Dad is up there on the stage leading worship, so he can't do anything. I'm gonna make her life h*ll.

So he does everything in his power to try to do just that. I thought I had found a great way to overcome this issue, a few weeks ago I told him if he is a good boy (with specific expectations) then he can have a piece of rainbow birthday cake afterward. He was an ANGEL. Last Sunday however, this did not work. Maybe he's clueing in. I told him his reward for good behavior was cookies since church was having a mission lunch. Ten minutes in he was uncooperative and disruptive. I had to leave the sanctuary. E. refused to go to his Sunday School class. I finally got him situated but later heard reports of him having a difficult time. During lunch I passed the cookie plate around and skipped over E. He gave me the glare of death.

His siblings pick on him, because it seems like he is always complaining about anything and everything. He most often spoils family time. He is always lurking, staring, hanging around. When I was making lunch for C. this morning it was like he was drooling over the food. So I put a handful of almonds at his place at the table and smiled warmly at him. He frowned at me and said, "I'm not gonna eat that."

During playtime he spins around the room, tripping over toys, furniture or people. He wiggles and wobbles through space with his hands and arms flinging around. He does strange things like walking around with dirty socks on his head and when asked why he responds, "Decause it's funny! (insert fake giggle) He can't regulate himself and spirals out of control when he does start to enjoy playtime. A good time playing hide and seek turns into someone getting hurt because he's running around the house yelling and giggling uncontrollably.

This morning was no different. E wandered around the house. I suggested he play in his room. He cried and whined. He got a stuffed animal, took it by the arm and swung it over his head while spinning in circles. I asked him not to do that since this specific animal was losing it's stitching. He got a truck, and pushed it on the floor, with all of his weight on the toy. It's one of the surviving cars we own like this since the others' wheels had collapsed from the weight. I checked on him after a few minutes. He sat there, listening to the car squeak and groan under pressure. He looked up at me and said, "Look mom, I'm playing!"

The long awaited lunch came (he lives to eat), and he took forever eating the sandwich his brother made him. It was a different type of bread, with nuts in it. (my ploy to keep myself from eating bread, since I am allergic to nuts!) He took a REALLY long time eating it, after picking apart the filling and slice of bread. He complained and gagged.

A lot of these behaviors may seem like they are typical for a 4/5 year old. Or that they are really nothing to make a deal about. But trust me, after watching him try to fit in, cope with daily life, and try to annoy or sabotage relationships or situations nearly all the time, we've started to realize this is not normal.

Then today, we had a few minutes to spare before the bus came. I called E to me to snuggle him before he left. He frowned and whined, "why do I have to do this???". I tried my best to love him and explained that giving and getting hugs makes you feel nice. "Doesn't this feel nice?" No response. Then I said, "E, I love you." No response. I asked, "Do you love me?" With more whines, he told me no. I asked if he liked me... no. I told him that it hurt my feelings and made me sad that he said he doesn't like or love me. He asked why. Then hid a smile.

Special Needs Adoption

We have two adopted children who have twenty months difference in age. One was placed in our home at 12 weeks old, has had several neuro-surgeries, has special needs and is considered "disabled". The other was referred to us at one year old and was brought home at 35 months of age. He was considered healthy and typically developing when he got home. Now can you guess which child is more challenging to care for?

What are considered special needs?

"Special needs" describes several categories: disabilities, race, age, sibling status, and at-risk.

Disabilities include mental, physical and emotional disabilities and disorders which can range from mild to severe. Behavioral problems are part of the emotional disabilities group.

Minority Race. Some agencies consider minority race alone to be a special need, especially when the child is male, and other agencies do not. This does not mean that being a member of a certain racial group or gender is a disability. It means that, at this time, we have not recruited enough families to adopt our waiting minority race children, and especially the boys. In all racial groups, males outnumber females, sometimes by as much as three to one.

Age. The age limit at which a child is considered to have special needs differs from one state to another and may differ according to the race of the child. In general, a child over age 5-8 years may be considered an older child.

"At-risk" children. An an "at-risk" child is one who, while currently healthy, is at risk of developing learning, emotional, behavioral or physical disabilities in the future. Babies exposed to drugs, abuse, neglect, and those with genetic pre-dispositions to mental illness and physical disabilities are called "at-risk."

Our son E. is by far our most challenging child to parent right now. Although S. was born with an opening in his skull, developed hydrocephalus, has a VP shunt and has had two brain surgeries; I would not really consider his daily care difficult. E. has been home for nearly two years now. He would not be considered a special needs child but it's becoming more apparent that his needs take up more of our time and energy than his little brother's.

We have seen how far E. has come in a short period of time, but we are also realizing that his past has effected who he is. We are wondering if he would benefit from therapy. We are looking into that and reading more about attachment. I found this checklist online and surprisingly we circled 18 from this list:

Circle the items if they are frequently or often true.

• My child teases, hurts, or is cruel to other children.
• My child can't keep friends for an age-appropriate length of time.
• My child doesn't do as well in school as my child could do even with a little more effort.
• My child pushes me away or becomes stiff when I try to hug, unless my child wants something from me, in which case my child can be affectionate and engaging.
• My child argues for long periods of time, often about meaningless or silly things.
• My child has a large need to control everything.
• My child is hyper-vigilant.
• My child acts amazingly innocent, or pretends that things aren't really bad or a problem when caught doing something
• My child does dangerous things such as runs away, jumps out of windows, or other potentially harmful actions. My child seems oblivious to the fact that my child may be hurt.
• My child deliberately breaks or ruins his things or other's things.
• My child doesn't seem to feel age-appropriate guilt when my child does something wrong.
• My child is impulsive. My child seems unable or unwilling to stop doing something my child wants to do.
• My child teases, hurts, or is cruel to animals.
• My child steals, or shows up with things that belong to others with unbelievable, unusual, or suspicious reasons for how my child got these things.
• My child likes to sneak things without permission, even though my child could have had these things if my child had asked.
• My child doesn't seem to learn from mistakes, consequences, or punishments (my child continues the behavior despite the consequences).
• My child makes false reports of abuse or neglect. My child tries to get sympathy from others, or tries to get us in trouble, by telling others that I don't feed, or don't provide the basic necessities.
• My child seems not to experience pain when hurt, refusing to let anyone provide comfort.
• My child does not usually ask for things. My child demands things.
• My child lies, often about obvious or ridiculous things, or when it would have been easier to tell the truth.
• My child is quite bossy with other children and adults.
• My child hoards, sneaks food, or has other unusual eating habits (eats paper, raw sugar, non-food items, package mixes, baker's chocolate, etc.)
• My child often does not make eye contact when adults want to make eye contract with my child.
• My child has extended temper tantrums.
• My child chatters non-stop, asks repeated questions about things that make no sense, mutters, or is hard to understand when talking.
• My child is accident-prone (gets hurt a lot), or complains a lot about every little ache and pain (needs constant attention).
• My child acts cute or charming to get others to do what my child wants.
• My child is overly friendly with strangers.
• My child has set fires, or is preoccupied with fire.
• My child prefers to watch violent cartoons and/or TV shows or horror movie (regardless of whether or not you allow your child to do this).
• My child was abused/neglected during the first year of life, or had several changes of primary caretaker during the first several years of life.
• My child was in an orphanage for more than the first year of life.
• My child was adopted after the age of twelve months.

If you find that more than a few items (more than five or so) have been circled, your child may be experiencing difficulties that require professional assistance. If, in addition to several items being marked, any of the last three items is check, your child may be experiencing attachment related problems.

So where do we go from here? Does that mean E. has RAD? Or just "attachment issues"?

When we started the adoption process, we had to fill our paperwork explaining what kind of child we preferred. This was so difficult for us, to say "yes we are comfortable to adopt a child with hearing problems but no, not a child with CP"? We were scared of special needs at the time, so we just circled those issues that were correctable. After God placed several people in our lives and we began hosting several special kids with severe medical needs, we realized that caring for kids with special needs is a blessing, not a burden.

I hope that more people would be open to adopting special needs children. S. has been such a wonderful addition to our family. I can't imagine life without his sweet smile, his cheerful little personality and his spunky energy in our home. I also think adoptive families should be aware and educated. They should consider EVERY child who have experienced some sort of trauma (even at a young age) a special needs child. Even though the agency lists them as "healthy" or "normal", these kids have issues. They need special care and attention, some even more than children with medical needs.

The tough side of adoption

Look at that adorable child!!!

He is not perfect, he is human.

He's been through starvation, illness,

abandonment and early life in an orphanage.

No one talks about it openly. But you get a group of adoptive moms together and you hear it. Usually more than one mom has a story to tell. Stories that will scare anyone into thinking twice.

Tales of sexual abuse, violence, homicidal or suicidal tendencies.

RAD, ODD, PSTD, ADHD, FAS.

Lack of resources, counseling services and therapy programs.

DSHS, neighbors, police and church involved.

Respite, rehoming, disruption, hospitalization, residential treatment.

Many people do not like to discuss these ugly issues. Adoption is supposed to be about love, selflessness, sacrifice and obedience. But sometimes it can be so. dang. hard. It can cause severe depression, marriage complications, hurt to other children, stress and damage to material possessions.

I wonder how many families delve into adoption without first becoming educated? Yes, reading a few books is great, but really talked to people who have adopted and are open and honest? Or spoke to a professional or went through training? It seems like more and more I hear of families going through international adoption and bring a cute orphan home from a foreign country without counting the costs. I recently learned of a family who had adopted internationally and had never even heard of RAD before! Seriously. Adorable brown babies are not an accessory.

Yes, adoption has been wonderful and life changing for our family. It has been joyous. It has also been so difficult. I sometimes thing about what life would have been like for J., me and my three kids before adoption. Simpler, easier, less issues. Would I do it again? Yes. But it truly is not for everyone. And I do believe there are mis-matches. How does one choose a child that is right for their family when they are across the world? The information they get about that child is missing pieces, inaccurate or untruthful. Many kids' ages are even wrong simply for the ease of finding an adoptive family. Some adoptions are finalized before the adoptive parents even meet the child!

Please don't think I am writing to discourage adoptive families. I just want more people to get educated and keep learning through the process. I know for us, doing independent adoption, no one was there to be sure we were. We had to be self motivated and thankfully I met some wonderful people who pointed us in the right direction and helped form a small support group.

If you are in the position of going through some hard things with your kids, know that you are not alone. There are so many people walking that path with you, but remain silent. Don't be afraid to seek help. Talk to other adoptive parents and I bet you will find some support and love. We are all in this together.

Update on M.

Some sad news...

Thank you so much for all your love and support you have shown us this last year. We have been trying for over a year now to adopt Mercy from Uganda. We feel like God has closed all the doors for the adoption of Mercy. We are sad, confused, frustrated and heartbroken. As time passes we are feeling His peace.

After many weeks in prayer about the events that took place before and while we were in country, we know now that bringing her home is not His plan for us or her. We want to continue to help Mercy in any way possible, but are still trying to find the best way to do it. We are thankful Mercy is in a good family situation already, with a "mom and dad" and 13 "siblings". She is loved and well cared for every day. The only thing missing is her medical needs, and I am sure God will provide a way to find help for her.

Our trips(s) to Uganda were not wasted. We were staying and serving in a Christian orphanage and got to know and love 14 wonderful children. We met some awesome people and missionary families and will forever be bonded to this beautiful country.

Please pray for us. Pray for Mercy and her caregivers too. This is so hard to go through.

The steel door?

When a woman we know (who has the gift of prophecy) was asked to pray for us regarding M, she recently shared that she constantly received a vision...

of a closed steel door.

Interesting, because that is exactly what we have been running into recently. We are challenged with some very hard decisions to make about what to do next. We need your prayers to cover us in the next few weeks as we try to follow God's will for our family and get some much needed answers.

When God Says “No” . . . Pray by Charles R. Swindoll

When nobody is around and when we're able to be absolutely honest with ourselves before God, we entertain certain dreams and hopes. We want very much by the end of our days to have _________________________ (fill in the blank). However, it may well be that we will die with that desire unfulfilled. Should that occur, it will be one of the hardest things in the world for us to face and accept. David heard the Lord's "no" and quietly accepted it without resentment. That's awfully hard to do. But we find in David's final recorded words a life-sized portrait of a man after God's own heart.

After four decades of service to Israel, King David, old and perhaps stooped by the years, looked for the last time into the faces of his trusted followers. Many of them represented distinct memories in the old man's mind. Those who would carry on his legacy surrounded him, waiting to receive his last words of wisdom and instruction. What would the seventy-year-old king say?

He began with the passion of his heart, pulling back the curtain to reveal his deepest desire—the dreams and plans for building a temple to the Lord (1 Chronicles 28:2). It was a dream that went unfulfilled in his lifetime. "God said to me," David told his people, "'You shall not build a house for My name because you are a man of war and have shed blood'" (28:3).

Dreams die hard. But in his parting words, David chose to focus on what God had allowed him to do—to reign as king over Israel, to establish his son Solomon over the kingdom, and to pass the dream on to him (28:4–8). Then, in a beautiful prayer, an extemporaneous expression of worship to the Lord God, David praised the greatness of God, thanking Him for His many blessings, and then interceded for the people of Israel and for their new king, Solomon. Take some extra time to read David's prayer slowly and thoughtfully. It's found in 1 Chronicles 29:10–19.

Rather than wallowing in self-pity or bitterness regarding his unfulfilled dream, David praised God with a grateful heart. Praise leaves humanity out of the picture and focuses fully on the exaltation of the living God. The magnifying glass of praise always looks up.

"Blessed are You, O LORD God of Israel our father, forever and ever. Yours, O LORD, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, indeed everything that is in the heavens and the earth; Yours is the dominion, O LORD, and You exalt Yourself as head over all. Both riches and honor come from You, and You rule over all, and in Your hand is power and might; and it lies in Your hand to make great and to strengthen everyone." (29:10–12)

As David thought of the lavish grace of God that had given the people one good thing after another, his praise then turned to thanksgiving. "Now therefore, our God, we thank You, and praise Your glorious name" (29:13). David acknowledged there was nothing special about his people. Their history was one of wandering and tent-dwelling; their lives were like shifting shadows. Yet, because of God's great goodness they were able to supply all that was needed to build God a temple (29:14–16).

David was surrounded by limitless riches, yet all that wealth never captured his heart. He fought other battles within but never greed. David was not held hostage by materialism. He said, in effect, "Lord, everything we have is Yours—all these beautiful elements we offer for your temple, the place where I live, the throne room—all of it is Yours, everything." To David, God owned it all. Perhaps it was this attitude that allowed the monarch to cope with God's "no" in his life—he was confident that God was in control and that God's plans were best. David held everything loosely.

Next, David prayed for others. He interceded for the people he had ruled for forty years, asking the Lord to remember their offerings for the temple and to draw their hearts toward Him (29:17–18). David also prayed for Solomon: "give to my son Solomon a perfect heart to keep Your commandments, Your testimonies and Your statutes, and to do them all, and to build the temple, for which I have made provision" (29:19).

This magnificent prayer contained David's last recorded words; shortly after, he died "full of days, riches and honor" (29:28). What a fitting way to end a life! His death is a fitting reminder that when a man of God dies, nothing of God dies.

Though some dreams remain unfulfilled, a man or woman of God can respond to His "no" with praise, thanksgiving, and intercession . . . because when a dream dies, nothing of God's purposes die.

E. school update

E. age 4.

E. age 7 months, Nov. 2007.

E. has been home now for over 20 months! Wow, has it been that long already? I can't believe it! This morning I finally got around to cleaning out his backpack for preschool. In it I found his progress report. He has been attending developmental preschool since late spring, after quite a process to get him in. He is loving it and I am so glad I fought for him! I wanted to share with you the nice things that Teacher Gayle wrote about my little guy. And while you are reading it, be amazed by how far this kid has come. At age 7 months, E. weighed 8 pounds. Found at a hospital, he was severely anemic, unable to suck, sit or hold up his head. He was malnourished and suffering from kwashiorkor (protein deficiency).

E. is doing a great job at preschool! He has learned to recognize his name in print and is working at tracing and writing the letters of his name. He is able to follow classroom routines and transition from one activity to another with less teacher support. E. seems to enjoy his time at school and he willingly gives his best effort. He is interested in what others are doing and with some modeling and adult support he joins in other's activities. He is able to stay at a table and work with a teacher for 15 minutes then move to another table to work on another task with a different teacher. He is improving his fine motor skills for coloring, and using scissors. We are learning about alphabet letters and sounds using a program called Zoo Phonics. We practice the letter names and listen for the sounds in words and print. E. enjoys sharing the object in his letter homework bag. It is a pleasure to have E. and his wonderful giggle in our classroom.

fo sho yo!

Well after speaking to dear lawyer last night I learned that yes, we indeed must have our case heard in the smaller local town. Yes, we must wait for the judge to take bench at the beginning of November. No, dear lawyer has no idea how long it will take to get a court date. Yes, he is aware of the timing issue and we more than likely will have to wait until the new year for a court hearing.

YES, as of last night, I am for sure leaving soon. In just four and a half days to be exact. I need to come home. My little boy is sick, J. is tired and so is grandma (she hasn't complained but I am sure), my kids need a mom, and I miss my family and friends terribly. I am so anxious to get home, regroup, and spend some good ole' quality time with my people. It's been great being here, but I MISS HOME. I have missed nearly all of my second favorite season, autumn. I am missing trick or treating, carving pumpkins, yummy food, and harvest activities with my kids. But I am sooo looking forward to Thanksgiving at my parent's house with my mom's excellent turkey dinner.

See ya when I am home and settled in, yo!

Update

No news, just in case you were wondering.
Dear lawyer was not able to meet with important person today. Will try tomorrow. If he can guarantee us a favorable judge we shall go with that.

I have no idea what that means.

In other news, my baby S. is sick. He's had a fever for two days. J. took him to the doctor to rule out vp shunt issues. The doc said it looks like a virus. I feel so bad I am not with him while he feels lousy.

Speaking of sick, there are about 5 kids I am living with here who have been sharing their germs with me. I feel like I have been fighting this bug off for a week.

I am ready to get off this crazy train. Right about NOW.

So now what?

Yesterday was supposed to be a day with some answers. But after checking the email and carrying my phone around with me all day, I heard that our attorney was not able to do what he said he would. I believe there was some situation that he didn't have control over that delayed his actions. He said today he will try.

But my return flight is getting closer and closer, less than a week away. My people back home really want me there (and I do too)! I reminded dear lawyer that I am planning on returning home if we don't get word of a court date in the very near future. If this happens, we most likely will not be returning until after the New Year. This makes me sad. We feel like our hands are tied. And for some reason the timing we desire does not seem to be God's plan. So, soon I will be back home and try to resume normalcy for a while. And pinch pennies yet again to save for another trip to Africa. Maybe by this evening I will have WONDERFUL news of miraculous proportion. But I am not holding my breath. Too many lets downs after being here eight weeks does that to a person.

what's going on

Today we got word that no one knows when the new judge is arriving in the nearby court.

Tomorrow our attorney is going to be talking to the people in the capital's court to see if we can refile and try again at having our case heard there. Please pray. I am not sure if this means weeks of waiting or not. If things don't move quickly we will miss our window of opportunity and have to wait until after the New Year to have court.

Today I went with M. and saw the orphanage she lived in before she came here. I took some pictures that I will post later. But I can say that I am SOO glad she is at HSH and is getting excellent care. It was good to see the town she came from and meet some of the aunties who cared for her there. I got to hold a few babies too!

Tonight the power is out, it has been since before lunch actually. I need to save batteries on my laptop. But I wanted to get this prayer request out there.
Please please pray.
We need a miracle.

Sunny Sunday

I woke up, sent M. out to do her morning routine, put earplugs in my ears and fell asleep for another hour this morning. After showering and getting dressed and ready for church, we all loaded up in the Land Cruiser. I sat in the front holding Opio. He loves riding in the front but jumps every time the horn goes off or someone coughs! We went to Calvary Chapel and had a wonderful time of fellowship, worship and bible study. Pastor JB even remembered my name! Many people there are praying for our situation and ask every week how things are progressing.



After church, we loaded up again and drove home on the bumpy, dusty red road. Opio honked the horn MANY times for Auntie to open the gate. We ate a meal of red beans and rice, with avacado slices on the side. The aunties still give me a huge portion, so when I am full, I slide some onto my neighbors' plates. These kids can EAT!






I went to my room, changed into comfortable clothes, checked my email, prayed and listened to an African thunder storm. Beautiful. I took a little nap and now am just taking a few minutes to check in with you all. I really could use some encouragement. I am lonely and feel so out of touch.


This week I have hope. I feel it. It is OUR WEEK. Please join us in prayer that this will be the week we will get a court date. Or at least hear one is in the near future.

making "plans"

I have learned you really can't plan how things will go here, that you just need to be very flexible and go with the flow. But I feel like it is time to start thinking about coming home again. My return flight is Nov. 3. I THINK that if something doesn't happen in the next two weeks, I may just be on that flight home. I miss my family and am tired. Many people have been going to court and some have already left with their children. While I am so happy for them, it is so difficult to see. My selfish heart thinks, "Why can't that be us? M. deserves this! I have been here a long time and am not even through the first step!"

There is also an issue that needs prayer regarding an important document that is needed to get the visa. Hopefully our lawyer is working on it as promised and we will get it taken care of soon.

Of course, if I do fly home in the next few weeks that means we will need to purchase yet ANOTHER airline ticket to come back in the future. We are out of money and are praying for God's provision for this if need be.

"You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail." Proverbs 19:21

how I feel

This is my first try at poetry since high school. Don't judge!

Laying in the shadows while the mist slowly falls
tears falling at the same rate.

I feel lost, hopeless, forgotten,
tormented by dark thoughts of things that could be.

Daily I am reminded of the limited time I have on earth,
wishing I can go back and savor each moment with those I love.

How could God bring me as a foreigner to this place
and abandon me?

I felt my father calling me here,
obediently I came.
But where is He now, has He gone?

Is He disciplining His impatient child?
Was it really the Lord's voice I heard?

"Trust me"
Resisting the voice of darkness I turn to listen.

Now the gentleness of God's hand is guiding me,
out of the shadows through the storm of tears.

He has a plan, far better than I can imagine.
Selfishly I wish for a glimpse of that promise,
but trust.

Things I have experienced in country...

• Riding a little motorcycle called a boda boda, a main form of transportation here.
• Eating a samosa (veggies and beans wrapped in a dough similar to a wonton, yum).
• Atending church that makes me feel at home.
• Riding a boat to the source of the Nile, Lake Victoria.
• Making mud pies out of red clay.
• Jumping on a trampoline.
• Seeing a man fall off the back of a boda boda, then jump up and get on again.
• Getting sunburned at the pool, even with enough sunblock to make my skin whiter than it already is.
• Watching my hubby play futbol (soccer) with local kids.
• A cockroach in my bed.
• Attending a Ugandan Independence Day celebration, ie a political rally. We were the only muzungus in the crowd.
• Shopping at the market for food for the children.
• Ryans chips masala and chicken coconut curry at Kingfisher.
• Seeing my hubby lead worship with an all Ugandan worship team!
• Walking (or footing it, as the locals say) across an old foot bridge over the Nile.
• Seeing a dead man in the middle of the road early on our way to Kampala.
• Watching Auntie Aida eat a whole fish head. The others had the rest, not a piece wasted.
• Pushing M. in the tire swing.
• Extreme thunder and lightning storms.
• Playgrounds that in no way would meet US safety standards.
• Running from a huge stork diving towards me while making some sort of strange prehistoric/alien sound effects.
• Feeling so impatient with the process.
• Being called Muzungu (white person) everywhere we went. It's like we're rock stars!
• Giving high fives, hand shakes and fist bumps (bongas) to the local children.
• Buying beef at the local market, cut straight from the carcass.
• Seeing a man carrying a queen sized bed on the back of a boda.
• Making many new friends. People here are so friendly.
• Small children begging for money.
• True worship and prayers before bed for the children at the orphanage.
• Beautiful birds.
• Waking to a rooster crowing at 5 am.
• Sweating buckets from walking a half a mile in the sun.
• Difficulty sleeping.
• Seeing too many people dumpster diving.
• Having my feet turn orange from the dirt roads.
• Swimming with M.
• Court hearings in the capital.
• Beautiful art and crafts.
• A Christian rap concert and getting interviewed by a tv station prior.
• Learning a bit about Ugandan history.
• Opportunities to read books.
• Buying and enjoying a fresh ripe pineapple.
• Seeing a man ride the rapids on a water jug down Bujagali Falls.
• Watch fisherman cast their nets on the river.
• Holding M. as she is suffering from a seizure.
• Off roading daily on unpaved, eroded muddy roads.
• Seeing how SLOWLY things move here.
• Watching a poorly edited local soap opera.
• Loading four adults and 11 children into an eight passanger vehicle.
• Taking several cold showers a day. You learn to love them.
• Loving on 14 special children every day.
• A lovely iced vanilla latte occasionally in town.
• Witnessing extreme poverty.
• Meeting wonderful missionary families who are doing wonderful things.
• Extreme disappointment and let down.
• Ugandan "drive thru", buying chapati from a stand while driving through the middle of a small village.
• Feeling like there is a perfect plan in all this and a reason we are here now.
• The "swimming attire" for some local kids at the pool, see through, suits on backwards, etc!
• Feeling secure, yet not so much with armed soldiers, police and security everywhere.
• Learning different English words. Like "shading" for coloring, "smart" for handsome or cute, and so on.
• Drying off with a crunchy line dried towel.
• Hearing a praise testimony at church about a village duck thief.
• Going to the Speke Monument (explorer who discovered the source of the Nile).
• Getting wet, slobbery kisses from M.
• Stepping over goats in the middle of the road or path.
• Feeding chickens from the dining table.
• Spending lots of quality time with my husband.
• Waiting too long to eat a popsicle and drinking it instead.

No go

We showed up at the courthouse before 9am. We noticed we were not on the court calendar. Our lawyer said he was going to talk with the judge. We waited and waited. M. got scolded when she was listening to music on the cell phone and dancing. Then we waited and waited some more. The lawyer came back at 12 and said the judge refused to hear our case. She is being tranferred at the end of the month. So we are back to the beginning. We may be able to see if another judge in the capital can hear our case since we tried to go to court here. But we will see. If not, we may have to wait until the beginning of November for another hearing to be scheduled.

Many thoughts are running through our heads. We are trying to decide what to do in the situation we have to wait several more weeks. It is so expensive to keep flying back and forth, and hard for my kids to have their mother absent. So far I have been gone from them over 6 weeks total. That's a long time! Ugh, I just want to scream and I don't understand why no one is showing any mercy on this case.

I so wish I could drown my sorrows in a pint of chocolate peanut butter ice cream.

We're online!

We got the laptop to charge, and went out today to purchase a wireless modem and monthly internet plan. We now can update more often, just in time for an urgent prayer request.

To be vague, we are going to court at 9am tomorrow. We need many many prayers as there are several complications to our case and many reasons the just could decide to postpone, delay or not hear it. It was a miracle to even get the date tomorrow and we are so thankful for this. Please pray it goes smoothly, that we are seen by the judge, for safe travels for those advocating for us and M. and for favor.

We have had an amazing few weeks here. We have seen and experienced so much, will have to post more about that soon. Thanks for your continued prayers and support for our family.

What a week!

We are at an internet cafe using the internet, since the laptop is still refusing to cooperate and the battery will not charge. We have had a busy week, traveling, catching up on missed sleep, meeting M., going to the capital for court, seeing beautiful falls on the Nile, going to church, meeting friends in town, riding a boda (J's first time), shopping at the market for the orphanage.

We had a lousy day on Friday with our court date. We were the last to appear before the judge, and he did not understand why our case was filed there. He believed it should be filed closed to where M. is from. So that is what we are doing now. It was filed yesterday, and we will see what happens. This is very strange to us and our lawyer. I don't want to go into many details, but we need lots of prayers. There are many ways this can go, but it doesn't feel like this will be a smooth process.

We have heard from home a few times, and they sound like they are doing well. We are well too, enjoying being here together. We've seen some beautiful and ugly things in this country. So grateful to be able to experience life here and have time to learn and grow.

Arrived

We arrived here safely. We had good flights, no delays or problems, praise God! All 6 or our bags made it too. We are staying overnight at a local hotel, then will get in a taxi in the morning to drive to M.'s house. Hoping to be able to update after court on Friday. Please be praying!

Last post for a bit

kids pretending to be on the airplane to America!

We are leaving tomorrow!! I am mostly packed, have the house somewhat cleaned up and am a nervous wreck. Just spent the last hour answering emails about lodging, making phone calls, printing out visa paperwork, and had J. run some errands. Grandma is on her way across the state right now.

We have run into some small obstacles to overcome and could use your prayers for the next few days and months to come.

• Our oldest is home sick today with sore throat and headache.
• Our oven is not working properly and we don't have time to have it replaced or fixed before we leave. Hoping Grandma can work around it for a few weeks, or just plan to have the food take twice as long to cook in the oven!
• Our attorney wants a report from a doctor for court. We seemed to have a miscommunication and thought it was an optional thing needed. We didn't have time to do it while I was in country, but we did get a report from a different doctor. Lawyer still wants that report and we hope that it can get done this week before Friday.

Please pray for our flights, health, safety and protection. PLEASE be praying Friday (actually if you are living in the NW you should pray Thursday night, around 11/midnight) for our court hearing. Pray the judge appears in court, for a favorable ruling, and for M's behavior as we may need to sit and wait for several hours. Way too boring for a five year old. Pray that there are no delays and we can get a ruling very quickly. Pray that the passport and visa process goes quickly too, without any problems.

Pray for our children at home too please. They are making a great sacrifice too, having us both go to another country for several weeks. L. is even giving up playing fall soccer! And they are cheerful about the whole thing, for the most part. Pray that more helpers will come forward to bless these kids and their grandma.

On a lighter note:

C. celebrated her 12th birthday over the weekend. We bought her an inexpensive digital camera, something she has wanted for a long time. I think you can tell by the photo that she was really excited!

I was treated to dinner and theater by my mom on Saturday. We went to dinner at a tapas restaurant. We ate a lot of good food, then walked to the theater to see Burn the Floor. It was a mixture of different ballroom/swing/latin dancing. I really enjoy watching dancing and theater. When I was younger; before my interest in boys, then babies, it was my life and passion. I spent 13 years taking lessons, performing and touring with my dance team. Some of my greatest childhood memories involved dancing. This show really made me want to take some swing or ballroom lessons with my hubby, or even adult jazz/tap? Someday, when life is less crazy perhaps.