I feel so empty. I want more...not sure what.

Mourning loss

I have suffered losses in the past few years, and I realized today that I am still mourning them.

I have suffered miscarriage, two failed adoptions, and the loss of the idea of having another child. Most of these losses happened for the better in the end, and I know that God has good plans. I have come to realize that I am still effected by these and haven't really grieved in a healthy way.

I'm not positive what is a healthy grieving process, but I'm pretty sure bottling up feelings and pretending everything is fine is not.

T minus 1

Saturday is my last day before the challenge! Today I was a lazy slug. I did nothing. Cleaned a little in the morning but other than that I layed around. I'm crampy and ache and feel like crap. I gave myself the day. Tomorrow I am running errands in the am and going to coffee with a friend. Then off to get my hair done. After that we need to do grocery shopping for the big start day!

My not so mid-life crisis

Last summer was a rough one. I seriously had a mid life crisis. And now, although many of my friends know about it, I want to air it for everyone, in hopes it may help others.

First of all, I got married at age 19.
I went right from living with my parents to living with my husband (who was 20). Honestly, I spent our first night together in tears, and our first year was full of arguments. But we made it through. And today I can say that I am married to my best friend.

Secondly, I had a baby at age 21 (almost). I was still a baby. Then I had another one 18 months later. Then another four years after that and adopted two with special needs. I had only one identify...mom. I had given up everything I had to care for these kids God gave me.

Thirdly, I became a foster mom. We took in a child with high special needs who was disabled. Seriously, the state could not find anyone else to take her and she was about to end up in a nursing home. I was her primary caregiver. Her story was so sad. Disturbing, really.

Add all this up, throw in a husband working in the most stressful job environment possible, and you have a recipe for disaster.

I had been spending most of my life caring for other people and had forgotten myself. I didn't even know what my interests were anymore. I found myself spiraling into a strange situation, almost manic/depressive. I began acting impulsively and doing things completely out of character. It had my husband and close friends concerned.

I went to the doctor, got some medication for depression and anxiety. My husband and I went to marriage counseling, because words like divorce and separation were coming up in conversation way too often.

I began seeing a counselor on my own too. She had been helpful to get me really thinking about my behavior and why I was doing the things I did.

After 7 months and a long rocky road, I am doing pretty well. I am spending much more time focusing on myself and my marriage. I've gained new interests and hobbies, made some new friends and am trying to step out of my comfort zone. I'm finding what makes me happy vs doing things out of feelings of obligation. I'm still dealing with things and feelings, some days better than others. I still put too much trust and faith in people at times, and other times not nearly enough.

T minus 5

Five more days!! I feel excited and nervous. Some days I feel so out of shape compared to what I used to be. 130 lbs and working out 3-5 days a week. Granted, that was pre-kids, but still I would love to get there again some day.

I started today by donning my skates. They are so pretty! I did the Roller Derby Workout video in them and it added a whole 'nother level of difficulty with the extra weight. I wasn't able to complete all the reps for the abs portion, but I did my best.

After the video and when the house was quiet with time for just me, I soaked in a mineral salt bath and just relaxed.

I did well with my eating and stayed on my skates for several hours!!! After dinner when J got home we went to the gym where I was on the elliptical machine for 50 minutes and stretched lots. I feel so good today!

T minus 6

No real workout was done today. I did wear my new skates around the house for about an hour tonight. I was really busy, I went from church, to DEA practice, 1 1/2 hour drive to skate shop, to a Phinneus and Ferb live show (never will get those two hours of my life back!) then 1 hour drive home. I'm so tired!

Today I learned derby skates are a lot tougher to skate on than the roller rink rentals! Yes, you could say I'm a poser, but I'll be the first to admit I know nothing and I'm starting out very slow. My goal is to wear my new skates around the house as much as possible and when I'm more confident, practice more on the cement floor in the studio (after getting some pads!).

I'm also learning slowly about the game, rules, etc. But I will get there! Today at practice I learned a ton, hopefully I will retain it all.

Skates

Went to a skate shop in Seattle called Fast Girl Skates. www.fastgirlskates.com
I tried on two pair within my price range and skated on their floor, landing flat out on my rear once. I picked out the Riedell Vandal and a couple pair of awesome knee socks!

Eczema and me

I get horrible eczema and I started doing some research on food sensitivity causing it. I came across this article: http://eczema-natural-healing.com/eczema-food-allergies.html
I would like to give this diet a try. But what is left to eat??

Just the girls

As part of our Christmas gift, my mom treated me and my girls to a trip to Seattle at the end of December. We stayed at a hotel, went to see Cinderella the musical and went out to a nice dinner. We also had a few shopping excursions and the girls rode on the carousel.

Sickness

No fun at all. We had planned a fabulous night away, got a room at a nearby hotel, sent all the kids off to various places, had take out Thai and went to a movie. But both of us have a terrible cold! We tried our hardest not to let it ruin our date night.

Derby

My interest in roller derby is growing. I went to a practice on Tuesday with some new friends, and fell in love.

I have a goal to get in shape, practice skating and attend the Booty Camp in the fall. I am on the team as a non skating official. This means I help with things like score keeping and penalty box time keeping. This will help me learn the game and make connections.

I ordered this great workout video and got it in the mail the other day. I would like to do it every other day. Now I need to buy some skates!!

Learning

I'm learning how to crochet and I have always wanted some fingerless gloves. I kind of threw this project together without much direction but it turned out ok!

Disguise

We disguised coconut milk in a glass cow milk container. The kids ate their cereal with it this morning without complaints!

Official fitness challenge weigh in

Today I was weighed and pinched for the Support Officer Fitness Challenge. It was interesting to see the difference between the results from the Bioelectric Impedance Analysis test and the skin fold caliper measurements. Today I weighed in at 215.5 lbs and at 37.3% body fat.

The challenge lasts 12 weeks and we compete in a team. Our team consists of five people. We will be weighed and measures at the end and will be disqualified if we lose any muscle mass. Prizes are given to members of the winning team.

Early morning

It's 3:30 am and I'm restless. Not sure why but I woke and couldn't fall back to sleep.

Thoughts are churning in my head. Random things and ideas, goals and dreams, worries and problems are haunting me tonight.

I'm feeling very unsure about life recently. I don't feel joy. I sometimes resent my husband and children. I spend a lot of time wishing for things that are out of reach. I have little motivation to get things done in every day life. I feel like I'm in the movie Groundhog Day, and the same activities are being rerun over and over. I have many things I would like to do but I either can't get away from housework and mommy-hood, am too exhausted to do it, feel guilty for doing it, or sabotage myself. I have been working on my self talk, trying to claim my fears and feelings and also find a positive spin on life, but it can be so hard!

Tuesday

Meet my "new" '76 VW Transporter.

I named her Tuesday, the day she came home to me.

New me

Yes I an a little late with the New Year post, but I have been busy. I found a Blogger app for my phone which will help blog a little more (lucky you!). I hope you all had an awesome and safe Christmas and New Year celebration. We did. I have been spending the week meditating on what I want to change or improve on in 2012.

Get Organized.

Be a better mom.

Read the bible daily.

Become VEGAN. I am adopting the vegan diet, mainly for health and weight loss reasons.

Getting fit. This has been a resolution I have failed in before, but I am looking at it as a lifelong goal, not just a resolution. The new year has given me a fresh start to get motivated. I will be blogging about my weight loss adventures. So stay tuned!

New hobbies:
For Christmas, J bought me an older VW Transporter bus. We are going to be learning some new things as we work on getting it up and running smoothly. I would also love to pimp it out a bit!

I also am getting involved with Roller Derby. I met a few people on a Facebook group who are members of the Bellingham Roller Betties. They are in need of officials to volunteer their time. So I am going to be tagging along to a scrimmage in a week to get some information and check it out! Also, J is planning on volunteering for security at their bouts.

Bartering. I got involved with a bartering group on Facebook and I am hooked! I have a surplus of stuff to use for trades, and I have been enjoying clearing out clutter for things we need or have wanted. I have also met some great new local people through people. I will write a separate blog on my bartering adventures soon.

Happy Birthday S!

S is celebrating his 4th birthday on the 4th! We are currently on a family trip to Great Wolf Lodge, and we are all having a great time! We got S a cake tonight since we will be checking out tomorrow. He loves chocolate!! Happy birthday to our sweet boy.