Sunday, December 9, 2012

dark deep

I have not really stopped crying since 9 pm last night. I have been emotional all week but a small incident with L broke me. It hurts to be criticized by your kids when you are doing your best. That just sent me into a whirl of emotions and I can't get out of this funk. I feel like my whole world has been falling apart, and it never seems to stop. Yes, there are good days or times of days mixed in but ultimately I am frustrated and sad. I feel like a failure, like I don't fit in anywhere. On top of that I watched a movie called What To Expect When You're Expecting which triggered feelings about my miscarriage years ago and made me even sadder.

I question if I am doing anything right. I wonder if working part time was a good decision for the whole family. I think about the time I am away doing roller derby. I don't know why I can't ever find a balance. I am so frustrated about our fire damage, E's behavior, kids' grumpy attitudes, foster baby unknowns, Christmas stress, finances....

It's a big grump fest here, I need a hug and maybe a big ugly cry.


Christine Rinehart said...

Big ugly cries are sometimes needed. I would give you a big ugly hug right now if I could. Well hopefully my hugs aren't ugly but somehow I always manage to go in the wrong angle and end up with faces the same direction instead of opposite. Awkwardsauce. Anyways, balance is hard and a constant struggle, but I think you are an amazing momma and a spectacular roller derby queen, an asset to the clinic, and a great wife. <3

Kathy C. said...

Sorry you're feeling that way. You need your roller derby time. When we get married and become moms (it happened at the same time for me as Rick's daughter lived with us the first year and made life h*** for us), we tend to give up our personal activities. Your kids will never like everything you do. They'll get over it. You're trying to make things better for yourself and them and they'll have to deal with it. Probably everyone is feeling some stress from the fire and the holiday. Hug the baby, kick something and keep going forward.