Friday, January 23, 2009

Crying out

Dear Heavenly Father,
I know that you are a loving, caring and all knowing Father and that you love me very much.  I just don't understand why you are letting me hurt so much right now?  I am alone, with my husband gone and you send me to the hospital.  Amidst all the medical stuff I hear good news, that Elijah will have his visa appointment and could be coming home any week.  That really lifted my spirits, Lord.  I felt instantly better and at peace. 

 I had to go home with my mom, since my children are so young and a handful, and there was no way I could take care of them and myself a day after surgery.  Unfortunately, my mom has been through a lot taking care of the kids for the last 3 days.  She is not used to having such a busy house, and busy kids, because you gave her 2 very quiet, shy girls.  You certainly did not prepare her well for the job of full time grandma to 4 busy kids. 

 I  tried to rest while my husband is in AZ, training for work in the hot sun.  I cried out to you for strength during my crazy hormone/pain/medication induced tantrum.  I prayed and prayed all night during my waking moments for Elijah's visa appointment, feeling like you had it all taken care of.  I trusted that you would have Elijah home very soon.  I thought those were your words I heard on Christmas morning telling me that.  I couldn't sleep in that morning, hoping for news from Haiti.  I opened the email and all I could do was sit there like I was slapped in the face.  "It didn't go well"  "impossible"  "more documents" were words on the screen that SCREAMED at me.  I read as my mom listened, trying so hard to be strong and no cry out.  NO!  I NEED this to go right.  I NEED Elijah to come home now. I even had the flight schedules pulled up on another window.  "I guess I don't need to look at that", I said as I shut the A. Airlines window closed.  CLOSED.  That is how I felt.  I didn't know what to think.  I sent out a few emails, asking others for input, prayer and help.  I didn't go to you.  I am sorry, but I felt like you betrayed me.  My body ached and I felt like I couldn't even breathe.  I needed to lay down.  Why would you chose to allow this to happen? 

I am so ready to go home, even if I have to take care of the kids and myself.  I have no more patience and neither does my mom.  She is gone with two kids while I sit here weeping and praying and writing you this letter.  I feel so heartbroken, alone and forgotten.  I am waiting to hear some more news, but every time I open my email there is nothing.  Isn't there anything you can do  God?  Don't you want your little baby boy home with a family who loves him so much?  Please won't you fix this and make it right?  I need a band aid!
I love you,


Mama D.'s Dozen said...

Praying ... Praying ... Praying ...

Wishing I could help, but my life is in a very difficult place right now. If I were to add 1 kid (or 4) to my household right now ... I would be writing a post just like yours. (HELP me LORD!)

God IS with you. He IS listening. He WILL answer.

I am sooo... sorry you are going through a time such as this.


Nina said...


You should go home. You will feel better in your own house and I REALLY don't mind helping with your kids! It is so hard to imagine the lesson in all of this.....Praying for you