I know that you are a loving, caring and all knowing Father and that you love me very much. I just don't understand why you are letting me hurt so much right now? I am alone, with my husband gone and you send me to the hospital. Amidst all the medical stuff I hear good news, that Elijah will have his visa appointment and could be coming home any week. That really lifted my spirits, Lord. I felt instantly better and at peace.
I had to go home with my mom, since my children are so young and a handful, and there was no way I could take care of them and myself a day after surgery. Unfortunately, my mom has been through a lot taking care of the kids for the last 3 days. She is not used to having such a busy house, and busy kids, because you gave her 2 very quiet, shy girls. You certainly did not prepare her well for the job of full time grandma to 4 busy kids.
I tried to rest while my husband is in AZ, training for work in the hot sun. I cried out to you for strength during my crazy hormone/pain/medication induced tantrum. I prayed and prayed all night during my waking moments for Elijah's visa appointment, feeling like you had it all taken care of. I trusted that you would have Elijah home very soon. I thought those were your words I heard on Christmas morning telling me that. I couldn't sleep in that morning, hoping for news from Haiti. I opened the email and all I could do was sit there like I was slapped in the face. "It didn't go well" "impossible" "more documents" were words on the screen that SCREAMED at me. I read as my mom listened, trying so hard to be strong and no cry out. NO! I NEED this to go right. I NEED Elijah to come home now. I even had the flight schedules pulled up on another window. "I guess I don't need to look at that", I said as I shut the A. Airlines window closed. CLOSED. That is how I felt. I didn't know what to think. I sent out a few emails, asking others for input, prayer and help. I didn't go to you. I am sorry, but I felt like you betrayed me. My body ached and I felt like I couldn't even breathe. I needed to lay down. Why would you chose to allow this to happen?
I am so ready to go home, even if I have to take care of the kids and myself. I have no more patience and neither does my mom. She is gone with two kids while I sit here weeping and praying and writing you this letter. I feel so heartbroken, alone and forgotten. I am waiting to hear some more news, but every time I open my email there is nothing. Isn't there anything you can do God? Don't you want your little baby boy home with a family who loves him so much? Please won't you fix this and make it right? I need a band aid!
I love you,